Such a simple word. Four little letters.

Used to describe.. strong like for a variety of things, and situations.

I realize just how much I love.. so many objects, so many people, so many actions.

Sometimes my heart seems so full I don't think it can hold more, than it does.

Yes, love is like shoe shopping. You just can't have enough, there is always room for more.

confessions of a fly

The strands thicken until the fly fears there is no way to escape... with one last strong flutter of its wings it breaks free from what started as such an inviting web.

Even as it starts to fly away, it circles back, drawn by the comfort that was found there.

In the distance, it sees new webs, new fields, new flowers and trees.

It is good to be a fly in this great big world.

Okay, confession time.

I am a democratic, independent, republican.. yes.. I actually vote for the person I think is best for the position, no matter his or her political tag.

I am disappointed when politics comes down to belittling people. Who of us is so perfect that we have a right to judge???? Whether as a joke or mean spirited.. it just doesn't feel right to me. I have made too many mistakes.. for which I am glad I didn't have to publically answer to.

My family is also not perfect.. thankfully I don't have to apologize each day for their actions either.

I believe in God. Yep, what a fraud I have been. I not only believe.. I pray every night. I pray for peace, miracles, comfort and forgiveness... yes, forgiveness for not speaking up. I pray that I am right and there is a heaven, filled with peace, pain free living, and angelic souls.

SL has been an enlightening experiment in my principles. I now know, no matter how nice the people are around me... if I am going against my basic beliefs... it doesn't work for me.

I apologize for not speaking up at the start. I never pretended to be anyone else... or maybe I did, in a silent way. I know I will feel better about me... now that I have stated these things out loud.

Life

Lost in the world
not knowing where
I fit in
Lost in myself
wondering why
I am here
Feeling needed
but unnecessary
loved
but alone
happy
yet sad
smiling
sighing
laughing
crying
life goes on
so will I

Remembering, never forgetting

I am having a hard time the past few days... I don't know why.. but I can't seem to get my brother out of my head, so I went searching through my old blog pages from a previous site and decided to post the following blog(s) here.. maybe it will help.. maybe I just need to be able to see signs of him here... written December 5, 2007.. but still feels like yesterday.

My heart is torn apart right now and I have no place to turn to, so I find myself here.

I just received a phone call that my brother Leonard committed suicide last night.

He fought so many demons over the last 47 years.. and last night the last one won.

He never really got over being rejected as a child, but he put on the bravest front of all of us.

When our mom came back to get us when he was 14 .. he was the only one of us that was strong enough to see that she wasnt going to be there for us even then, and chose to go back into foster homes again.

We all had to grow up so fast, but because he was so much bigger than most boys his age, he had to grow up even faster, so much was expected of him.

He was quiet, gentle, and very solitary. But behind his tough exterior you could see a broken boy, a broken man.

When he finally got married and had his daughter I thought his world had turned around and he would finally enjoy everything that the world and family had to offer....

Then one day, heroin walked into his life... and led him back into the streets. Away from his family, to the "friends" that were bound to help take him down.

He would break away, make a clean start.. only to be drawn right back to the Hell.

This past year, he seemed to be getting it all together again. Got a regular job, bought a van, was fighting to stay clean and seemed to be winning. But he couldnt stay away from the love of a toxic girlfriend.. even though she kept dragging him back down. She was so hurtful. She knew just how to turn the blade and cut him to the quick...

Last night he couldn't go on hurting for another moment. And in keeping with his quiet ways he sat alone in his van with the exhaust piped into the inside and silently went to sleep for the last time.

With no loud cry for help, no pleas to be saved, he ended a life of suffering, of feeling he was alone in this world.

I love you Leonard... I hope you know those weren't only words when I said them. I wish I could have done something, said something, to make your world a better place so you wouldn't leave me here without you.

Leonard Joseph Winkler February 29, 1960 - December 4, 2007

Rest in peace my beloved brother

and then:

Welcome home!

The dark days the overcast skies the floods, winds and biting rain.

The air so thick as to be unbreathable, then as if in a blink of an eye.

The gates open the trumpets blare and the carnival is set to welcome you.

Faces of forgotten friends, relatives waiting with open arms Joy, peace and acceptance for the rest of eternity.

Here are your new clothes You look great in wings. Where have you been? We've missed you so much!

All play and no work....

Breath in... breath out.... relax and let your body feel free to float... you are light as a feather.... you have no cares in the world....

Oh good grief who am I kidding?? lol

Do you ever just feel the need to say NO! I don't want to be an adult today. I don't want to do what I know I am supposed to do. I don't care how many people are relying on me to be there, to do my share (and their's), I don't care.. I don't care.. I don't care...

That is me today. I woke up this morning with an attitude of... me.. me... me.. and I am going to listen to myself for a change.

I may have to start playing the lottery. Work seems so much like.. work. Tomorow I will join the adult crowd again but for today.. I must play.

Flying through life

Funny how, after a short while in sl, I find myself echoing rl and falling into a set routine. It is the opposite of what I wanted when I arrived. After realizing how much fun sl could be, I decided I would have fun... break out of the box, do things I couldn't or wouldn't do in rl...

At first everything was new... but as I got to know people, especially linked to Cafe Wellstone, I found myself drawn into a weekly routine. A fun one, with great people... but.. as a single avatar in a couples kind of crowd... it can sometimes get a little lonely too.

So I have been branching out, exploring, meeting new people, trying new things. I hope my absences don't push me farther and farther to the outside of the group. And in my heart I hope I am missed a little. :)

I worry that I will spread myself too thin. I did that all the way through school... joined every group, hung with every crowd.. and found myself a part of all, friends to all.. but not best friends with anyone.

Maybe that is the way I am destined to live this life.... I don't know.

Ahhhh, a .. day off?

I'm trying to remember when a day off went from.. well, a day off, to just a day without pay.

I suppose it was the moment Amy was born. Sometimes being an adult sure carries more responsibilities then it did when I viewed it as a child. I remember thinking "When I grow up I will never have to do this again!" haha.. good thing I didn't know the real outcome or I might not have been so motivated to get to this point.

I also know that since SL I have had to make goals for myself or nothing gets done around my house. How could I have become hooked so quickly to my little SL world?

Oh , that's right.. I have an addicitve personality.. geez.

So goals... I have to make them now.. "Before you can log on to SL you have to clean the kitchen" or whatever the worst disaster of the day is..

Here I am on Sunday. My only real day off from work all week, and so far I have already cleaned the bathroom, the kitchen, cleaned the litter box, wrapped a fathers day gift, helped Amy with breakfast, her hair and getting dressed, mowed the front lawn and taken a shower... whew... (and all before 9:30am)

almost done.... well, as soon as I run to the store, take Amy by her dad's house to drop off a gift and a hug, and help her with a bath...

Then time for SL.. I need some fun!

kicking back

What an amazing amount of changes my life has gone through (that being my sl life) since I joined in August.

I've gone from bumping into the walls (okay still do that on occasion) to kicking back on my own island paradise. I intend to have a party soon when I can figure out how to fit into the hectic Wellstone schedule.

I have gone from floating on my own to falling in .. umm strong like... to back to floating on my own. Time travels so fast in SL. What feels like forever today, tomorrow is.. well, the past.

No matter what road I choose though... it is .. all fun. Can't wait to start my next new adventure.

So for now.. Let's dance!

No news is not always good news

News... I've always dreaded watching it. All the bad news, all the fluff filler stories over and over.

The other day I was talking to a friend who said she was going to give up watching the news. I can sure understand the concept.. but not watching the news could have cost me my life (and Amy's).

In 1980, I was living in Washington state. Amy had just turned 2. The guy I was dating at the time decided we should take a road trip across the state to visit some friends of his in eastern washington. We spent Friday night there then Saturday headed back for the western side of the state.

It was a beautiful day in May.. the perfect time to be in Washington. As we made our way back we decided to take a little detour and drive to Mt. St. Helen's .. my gosh it was standing up there in the sky so regally just calling to us!

As we got closer to the campground areas we noticed a lot of other people had the same idea we did.. the place was packed! We drove through a couple places that were way too full and finally found a place that we thought.. heck let's just pull over here and sleep and we will drive the rest of the way back tomorrow after we get a chance to play around a little near the recreation area.

I started to get a sleeping area set up for Amy and grabbed a bottle and some formula.. then noticed.. Darn it! that was the last bottle. So, totally bummed we realized we couldn't stay... started the car and headed the rest of the way back to my house.

We got in pretty late, fell asleep and the next day awoke... to a pitch black day. I had never seen anything like it. I stepped out my front door and the whole world was dark like the middle of the night but grey. Not just the sky.. the trees, the ground, the air.. you could not breath without breathing in ... grey! What the heck??? I rechecked the clock and we had actually slept in until like noon.. and yet it was dark.

So I turned on the radio and that is when I heard that Mt. St Helen's had erupted. I guess it had been spitting plumes of smoke and puffs of lava for a while, actually weeks , months... it was just a matter of time.. but since it had taken so long, most people thought it wouldn't happen or at least that it wouldn't happen that soon. (I would have known this had I ever watched the news.)

Where we had been parked.. was devastated.. The whole area for 236 square miles.. was destroyed. Most of the people there.. did get away.. some did not. Would we have... I don't know.
I know where I was living was at the lower end of the river run off area.. and it was horrible, and yet we were hundreds of miles away. I had to tape all the windows and door edges of the house.. because the ash was so fine that it infiltrated everywhere and with Amy's weak lungs she was in extreme danger. We had to wear face masks to leave the house.

I lasted about 1 week living like that.. then I talked my boyfriend into loading all of mine and Amy's stuff (luckily we didn't have much) and driving us to California to move to the high desert where my mom was living at the time. It was horrible trying to drive out of town.. the car started choking up.. we ended up at the auto parts store.. we had a totally ash clogged air filter.. we ended up having to replace it again as we got out of Washington.

I have tried to watch at least the local news since then. I realized it wasn't safe to live in a bubble and that some news is actually good to know.

Mt. St. Helen's erupted Sunday morning somewhere near 8am May 18, 1980.

I am so proud!

What an amazing evening I just had. So much fun.

I have talked a bit about my daughter. She goes to a day program for handicapped adults. The main focus of her group is drama and music. They put on some excellent performances mostly for the local retirement homes... but tonight they did their second big, big performance at a local theater that packs in big name performers.

It was... an outstanding show... and I wanted to share the (okay badly done lol) video I shot with my little camera.

Ladies and gentlemen.. my daughter Amy:

Where is my line?

Since I started this account under my SL name... I have decided to blur the lines between SL and RL.. which gets easier and easier to do as I spend more time in SL.

While some enter the SL world to be and do things they never could be.. I find that I fall more into the category of... deesue is so much like RL me. Likes to have fun, tease, flirt, shop, play, and loves to be with friends... she also needs her quiet, alone times... to just be... deesue.

I live in a house built by Shinigama Kayo. It is amazing. Big, beautiful and.. peaceful. When my music stream isn't playing .. you can hear water, chimes and birds. (The same is true in my RL home)

Deesue and I share a love for clothes and shoes. Although she wears a lot more stilleto's then I do lol. We both have wayyy more than the average person would seem necessary. Clothes... in RL or SL.. I love to be creative, am well known for changing my outfits to match the activity of the moment, and have to do mounds of laundry in RL because of that.

I am finding I am getting more adventurous in deesue's attire. I entered a bathing suit contest last night... I wear booty shorts that show half my booty lol, and in RL I would never go dancing in silks lol.. but a conversation I had last night with Jane2 got me to thinking... I really DO have a line I don't cross.. even in SL.

Whether RL or SL... I have certain parts of "me" that are saved for that .. special person that I may choose to .. ummm share a pose ball with lol

I wonder if that will change after I have been on SL for a longer time? In some ways I hope it doesn't. It hasn't changed for me in all these years in RL...

How about you? Is your avatar an extension of RL you?? Or just a cartoon figure with no conscience or consequences?

My Biological Mom .. the novel

Recently, I was asked about my family, specifically my relationship with my mom, hmmm. I have been trying to figure out, for a few months, how to put into writing something about her. She is an important part of why I am, what I am, where I am, and who I am..

My mom is a very unique person. I love her very much for bringing me into the world. She had been raised by her grandparents who, when mom was only 14 gave her their blessing to marry my father who was 21 and in the Navy. (no she was not pregnant) It took her a while TO get pregnant.. but I was born 2 weeks before her 16th birthday. Then 13 months later she had my brother Leonard and not long after that my brother Tom.. who oops, has a different father .. she and dad divorced soon after.. and there she was, an 18 year old with 3 babies... a baby herself.. who hadn't had a childhood.. it is no wonder why she lost custody of us soon after the divorce.

I don't have a lot of early memories of her, but I have the image of her being a good mother.. I just think she was too young. We were reunited again when I was 15... 10 long years later.

When I hear of her life in those years. I am glad we were not with her. She gave birth to two more children (both of which she gave up custody of) she married I think 3 times in those years.. the marriage thing with my mom is a confusing subject.. It is hard to pinpoint exact numbers.. and then there is the issue of legal marriages and not actually legal marriages.. (like the minor detail of ..had you actually divorced the last one before the ceremony of the next one?) During that time she also did 17 months in a federal prison for check fraud, and the rest of the years she did.. pretty much .. anything it took to have money in her pocket and a roof over her head. It would not have been a good place for us 3 kids to be.

Life with mom as a teenager was fun! She was more like a friend then a mom, which to a 15 year old is great.. now that I am older I realize it wasn't in my best interest. I do give my mom credit for teaching me to be more confident in myself, she also taught me how to have fun. Unfortunately she also "let" me smoke, skip school, date, shoplifted in front of me, taught me the art of stocking up on groceries by writing bad checks on the way out of town, etc.

Living with her I witnessed so many different lifestyles from the poorest to some of the richest. While I only lived with her for about 2 years (off and on) before I moved out on my own.. we packed a lot of life into that time.

I did move back in with her a few times after that for a month or two here and there.. and then much later on ... she moved in with me for a while.

The biggest example my mom has been to me.. is what NOT to be or do. I don't say that to be cruel, I know that for the most part she has a good heart.. but she is the queen of bad choices... in her friends, in her lifestyle choices, in her life.

Anything that I have done wrong or bad in my life.. my mom has done worse. Sadly, it reflects in her later adult life. She is still a beautiful woman but you can see how living hard has affected every part of her. She is worn and tired. She has had strokes which could be from genetics or methamphetamines. Honesty is not one of her strong suits.

At age 52 she and her present husband (number 7? 8?) were a major part of a shoot out over a big drug buy gone bad and an 18 year old boy ended up dead. It was later proven that although my mom played Annie Oakley and shot every shot she could (along with her husband) the fatal shot ended up being from the gun of their friend... who is still in prison, and very rightly so. My mom and step father did about 5 years each for the parts they played. No offense, but it should have been more. It was their deal, their confrontation.

I ended up paying all of both of their restitution bills so they could leave southern California.. and because of their probations they were released to the custody of my area and in all technicality to me. I purchased them a 5th wheel trailer and they lived in my driveway for wayyyyy too long. I employed her husband at my business until I couldn't take it another day and I had to uh.. let him go. (oh the guilt!)

Part of the reason I am here in Florida, instead of Washington state.. is because the Bank of deesue could not afford to keep its doors open anymore. My clients only withdrew funds but never made payments in return. Since then, these clients have still attempted to use said closed accounts.. but when the banker is across the United States it is much easier to rubber stamp with "request denied"

I know this isn't what you may expect as a blog... but it really isn't a sad story... it's just "life with my mom". I have always been more her mom then the other way around... I find she holds some kind of spell over me... I can forgive her for most anything, I will always love her, and worry about her.. but this baby bird can no longer let the momma bird back in her nest. I finally had to let her go.

Wow, this ended up long.. sorry if you made it to the end.. chalk this one up to Facebook therapy... I needed to get this out. Now, to start coming up with normal blogs.. hmm what ARE normal blogs?

*Oh.. and for anyone that read back to older blogs.. another clue into "Two truths and a Lie" revealed.*

Solid Potato Salad

This has got to be one of the most unusual music videos I have seen in a while! Keep watching past the first minute.... youch! Flexible!

How I spend my days

It has been a while since I blogged. Not that I haven't had things to say, but work has been.. well WORK lately.. lol

When I took over dairy/frozen food I never dreamed how hard I would be working. Somehow I had a picture in my mind that I would stand, smile, and turn pictures on products so they faced forward and looked pretty. Hmmm, okay I guess I do that too.. but getting it ordered, on the shelf, looking pretty and than counting it all, documenting and justifying it to the corporate office makes it a whole bunch more than just what I was thinking.

Luckily I don't have to touch the four aisles of frozen food often.. but the dairy dept is my baby from end to end. All things touched and set by me.. So I thought I would share my little (not so little) part of the store.... yes this is where I spend my days.. Wish I was a better photographer. Thank goodness I rock as a dairy manager! lol

The main part of the dairy:

the cheese section:

the organic section:

the juice section:

Don't I have a pretty department???

And the space shuttle rockets red glare

I come home from the best day at the ball game and then what?????

Step out my front door and watch the space shuttle lift off.. omg I love living where I am!!!

I only wish I had a camera that truly reflected what I see when the shuttles lift off.. it is... amazing.. each and every time!

Play Ball!

We started out at 10am... arrived by 11... walked, souvenier shopped, and ate for two hours.. then ...

Play Ball!

omg we had such a great time watching the Florida Marlin's lose big time to the New York Mets today at Roger Dean Stadium.

The weather was A #1 perfect! Low 80's with a touch of clouds to take the bite out of the direct rays... Our seats were so perfectly behind home plate

that I could make the call of strike or ball before the umpire could... we were surrounded by pitching scouts with speed guns, who got such a kick at what a big fan my cheering kiddo is...

We went for the "must have" Dean Dog... which was HUGE! We bought new hats, Amy got a new shirt... and we drank enough to keep us from turning into pools of nothing in the heat...

The first four innings we thought we had a lock on a winning game! (When Amy's favorite player, #12 Cody Ross, hit a home run and we were leading 4 to 0.... )

then... the A team left the field and the rookies started playing... hmmmm or should I say attempting to play and not very well.

Then the game turned ... and by the end.. we lost 10 to 5.. eeks! Thank goodness it is only a practice game and doesn't count! (Something we always say when we lose a spring training game! lol)

We are lightly burnt and still grinning ear to ear.. what a great place to live... we are in baseball heaven.

Destination.. life

Fiercely independent, slightly afraid, but excited of the life ahead... she walked away from the life she had known for way too many years.

With a last glance around, she left the keys on the counter and walked out the door.

The sun was shining a little brighter when she stepped out the door, her smile was even bigger, her heart beat loudly in anticipation.

The drive to her new home, her new life, was a short one. She had waited and planned so long, she didn't have to go far to begin anew.

While parking the car in the driveway, the tears began to flow. Free, she was finally free.

She entered a house full of boxes, but empty of furniture. It didn't matter. Soon it would be full of new and hand selected things, chosen just for her. Things of comfort, things of serenity, things of joy, of peace.

and here she is one year later... one very happy, peaceful year later. She is no longer afraid. She remembers how strong she has always been, how happy she can be no matter what life throws at her, how many things she can do.

She will never let her life turn into what it was in the past again.

Happy Anniversary rl deesue! Happy Anniversary house! Happy Anniversary life!

A real feel good day

Ever have one of those moments that stays with you??

I had one today. Just have to share.

I was eating lunch today with a co-worker, when he all of a sudden turned purple.

It was obvious that part of the burger he had been eating got stuck in his throat.

Years ago I had taken a CPR certification class. So I got behind him and did the heimlich maneuver. Out came the burger. In came the fresh air again.

So many times lunch breaks happen all alone. Gosh, I am glad I had lunch at the same time he did today. So is he.

I feel really good. Like there was a real purpose to the day.

Stale cookies anyone?

I seem to be in a reminiscing type mood today...

I wish I could say I have a big exciting life outside of this screen... but now that Amy is older.. nope.. no exciting life lol.

I remember when Amy was younger.. my home was a non-stop activity center for every child in the neighborhood. There were days that I would wake up early to the sound of a child or two or three playing on the swingset waiting for us to open the curtains so they could invite themselves to breakfast.

I never minded. Seemed the more kids there were, the busier they stayed and the easier it was on me. We never had any money back then, and I dont remember it often making a bit of difference.. except when trying to pay for all those popsicles, packets of kool-aid, sandwiches, and I couldn't buy enough bags of Mother's Cookies.

I swear my neighbors saved a fortune on daycare by pushing their kids out the door to "go play at Amy's house". Some would stay almost up to bedtime. And not a single parent ever offered me a penny. Oh well, Amy loved it.

One of their favorite things was a giant trunk full of clothes, shoes, hats, scarves and accessories that we collected from my closets and from the local thrift shop. I wish I had some of the group shots or pics of some of the plays they used to put on to entertain me, but with money as tight as it was, I didn't take too many pictures. The few that I did take.. most were handed to the kids to take home to their parents.

Here is one that I kept of Amy and her best friend Elizabeth. I had a lot of pics of them, as I ended up taking Elizabeth in for the summer so her mom could get herself together. Liz is a mom herself now, with two kids of her own.. Recently I sent a bunch of the photos to her. Her kids got a big kick out of seeing mom when she was young and being silly.

It's hard for me to think of Amy and Liz as adults. In my heart they will always be like the picture above.

So I guess what I am saying is, I hope, for those of you that have younger children (even grandchildren) that you all are spending time with them.. they grow so fast.. and one day you will buy a bag of Mother's cookies and they will go stale... then you will know the kids are grown.

Bubbles!

Ahhhhhhh.. gosh, what a great way to erase a long day at work.

Now for some fun on SL!

Random facts, shhhh don't tell

I saw talk of a 25 random things blog. I thought about trying to do that, but... well I don't seem to be very good at just following along. So I decided I would do a random things blog but with a twist.. which I would like to call:

Two Truths and A Lie

Yes below .. in each three, one is a fallacy. If I do it correctly (lol) you will know a bit more about me, but still be left wondering.. what you know.. for sure. Since I am writing as I think of them, I don't know how obvious some will be from conversations I have had...

1. I love chocolate (all kinds!)

2. I love peanut butter and pickle sandwiches

3. I love Manwich with pork and beans mixed in

1. I didn't learn to drive until I was 22

2. I have only had 1 speeding ticket

3. I give my car a birthday present every year

1. When I swim laps in a pool I have to swim clockwise or I get dizzy

2. I am a fanatical exercise person

3. I weighed 76 pounds at age 23

1. I have died three times in the last 50 years

2. I have saved a persons life

3. I performed CPR on a kitten

1. I was evicted once after only two days of residency

2. I lived under the stairs of my home towns public library

3. I lived in a tent one summer

1. I was arrested for stealing road signs

2. A person was murdered on my front door step

3. My mom and stepdad were convicted of murder

1. I love cats

2. I love dogs

3. I love birds

1. I lost my virginity two weeks after my 17th birthday

2. I have been married 3 times

3. I have had a lesbian relationship

1. I was a home coming queen

2. I was a cheerleader

3. I was a band geek

1. I was expelled from school 4 times in one year

2. I was a near straight A student

3. I was always the teachers pet

1. I am afraid of heights

2. I am afraid of spiders

3. I am afraid of snakes

1. I love to mow the lawn

2. I love to iron

3. I love to wash dishes

Okay.... there... now you all know me so much better! Hmmmm or do you?

They're here! They're here!!

This is some pretty exciting time coming up in the deesue household. Our all time favorite month of the year is weeks away!

Sunday brought in the good news that the pitchers and catchers have returned for another season and baseball is just around the corner!!! A major, major deal for us!

I have yet to book our tickets, but we will spend at least 2 of my precious days off sitting in, what I hope to be blazing sun, getting burnt to a crisp.... while we eat hot dogs and drink giant ice cold lemonades, and cheer our lungs out for our Florida Marlins.

Normally we would be at the ballpark every Sunday and a few days during the week... but... that was before the Dodgers left.. it was so nice to have a ballpark just 15 minutes away from home. We have had some amazing years of memories there...

Amy's birthday is also in March. We have always been at a game. Most years we got lucky and the Marlins were playing the Dodgers on that day... (then Amy had to struggle to choose who to root for)

I hope the Marlins stadium is even half as fan friendly as Dodgertown was! They treated Amy like a special #1 fan. She has an amazing collection of autographed balls, broken bats, souvenier lunchboxes, seat cushions, posters, pins, hats and shirts...

Her favorite birthday will always be the day she met Tommy LaSorda... we saw him in his golf cart putting through to batting practice. He stopped and while Amy was telling him that it was her birthday, I was happily snapping pictures for the photo album. After we walked away I looked into the screen to review the pictures and realized my camera had messed up.. omg the pictures were so blurry they were unsee-able! I felt like the worst mom in the world.

So I said, "Let's just walk by his cart again and I will try to get some pics of him in the background behind you". As we walked up Tommy saw Amy and said "Hey birthday girl! Are you back again?" and... Amy ratted me out! and told him that I messed up the pictures. (darn kid!)

He was so sweet he cleared the crowd and said "Okay mom, let's get these pics right this time!"

and I did.. lol

Then we went and watched them get beat by the Marlins, hehe..

her favorite player is Cody Ross (who started out as a Dodger then became a Marlin)

Oh yeah,, I cant wait to add some more smiles to the baseball memory banks.

Is that mint I smell?

I am a very, very healthy person. I can sometimes go years without anything major... a sniffle now and then, but since I quit smoking cigarettes the longest I usually carry a cold is 3 days.. (oh boy I hope I am not jinxing my health Karma right now)

But there are times when it completely takes over and runs full force... and I usually have a warning system... I start eating everything in sight. Which isn't quite as noticeable now that I have tried to form better eating habits.. but when I was younger and would go a day or two without a meal.. it was very obvious! It is like my bodies way of saying.. major crisis coming up.. fuel.. put in fuel!!!

I think I have only had the flu really, really, really bad twice. Once right after I met me now ex-husband.. (bragged about how healthy I always am and two days later I passed out while changing Amy's diaper.. oops) Thank goodness he was there at the time!

The other time was about 9 or so years ago now.... Man, what a fever! I was working fulltime at our restaurant appliance repair business, never got days off and here I was at home with this raging fever. So I tried to kick back in the recliner chair and take it easy... But I was sooo bored!

Then I started noticing all the nail and tack holes left in the walls from when I had taken down all the Christmas decorations. I still hadn't redecorated after taking all the stuff down. Gosh there were a lot of little holes... and all those white walls.. just staring at me.... begging me for repair....

So I headed out to the garage to see if we had any hole filler stuff and a hole filler stuff tool... (I know you are all impressed with my construction knowledge here aren't you?) lol

But I can't find any... dangit.. These holes are driving me nuts! I swear they are getting bigger (in my fevered state of being) .. Then I remembered hearing something about renters sometimes using white toothpaste to fill small holes so they could get their deposit back.

So I grabbed the Colgate toothpaste (with whitening power) what could be better? and I spent the whole afternoon filling in little holes.. Gosh I was so pleased with the results when I was done... then I proceeded to pass out on the couch and finally get that much needed rest.

When my ex got home from work... he said instantly he noticed our home smelled so "minty" fresh... lol! Then he noticed my repair. Now he was real nice about it...but later when I was back to my normal self again.. I couldn't help but notice that the walls looked really bad lol. And when the sun hit those walls you could see what looked like hundred's of shiny spots (must have been that whitening power..lol)

Note to future repair people... toothpaste may work for a very tiny spot but if you have over, say, 50 or so holes..... DON'T USE TOOTHPASTE! lol

Nice thing is it motivated my ex to actually repair them correctly and then repaint the whole room.. so it all worked out....

But it got me to wondering about two things... One: do others do weird things that seem totally normal when they are in the midst of a real high fever... and by others... I mean you.... and Two: do you have a clear sign - warning system telling you you are going to be getting sick???

Florida and the wildlife

On my way home from work yesterday morning, as I drove by the little lake down the street, I saw a pretty good sized turtle climbing up the bank.

I wish I had had my camera with me.. because as soon as I stepped out of my car he started up this "posture" dance... I've always heard of turtles as being so slow.. but here he was scraping his back legs into the ground sending up this spray of dirt.. like he was peeling out at the track or something .. lol.

I'm thinking he must have thought my black firebird was like the biggest turtle he'd come across in some time.. (ok ever) but he wasn't backing down for a second. Darn I wish I had a picture of it... makes me smile everytime I picture it in my mind... lol.

The wildlife here is one of the many things I love about Florida.

On any given day I can sit out in the screen room and see cardinals, turtles, (the pic is of a turtle that lives in my back yard munching mango's all summer long) kingfishers, grackles, hummingbirds, mockingbirds, owls, even had a wild turkey that used to fly in (ok I didnt see him fly.. he just kept appearing and standing in the yard) although I haven't seen him since last... oh no.. since before Thanksgiving... oh dear..., there are long necked crane as big as ostriches that show up in herds in my front yard to feed, cow birds, and during the hurricanes we even had a parakeet walk up the driveway. I have a few bunny rabbits living in the landscaping, frogs and lizards all around the screened room and squirrels everywhere.

I haven't seen an armadillo yet in my yard, although I see them alongside of the road all the time... hmmm.. come to think of it.. that's the only time I've seen them... feet up... roadkill... same goes for the racoons... never in my yard.. just roadkill...

Down at one of the state buildings downtown they have a little creek... err canal... uhh waterway running through that is stocked with all kinds of different fish. Most look like they could be living in someone's aquarium and turtles laying out on the waters edge or posed on the rocks in the water tanning their little shells.. I can sit and stare at them for hours.. so relaxing.

Seeing how many of nature's creatures have made the choice to live here lets me know I'm not totally nuts in wanting to live here also.

Can't seem to let go

As I have mentioned a bit... my daughter is 30 now, and has multiple handicaps. For those who are not familiar with her.. she has cerebral palsy that effects mainly her left side, she is totally blind (as of 4 months ago) and she also is developmentally delayed in most areas.... In other words, I'm one of the lucky ones in that she can do quite a few things but needs some assistance in little ways in most every thing she does throughout the day.

I have made the choice to keep her at home and raise her instead of handing her off to some kind of group home that will shuffle her around until she is just one of the masses... but the older she gets, the more the "agencies and their representatives" are inferring that I am just an over-protective mother that needs to learn to let go. I have held strong to my beliefs that no one knows her the way I do, no one protects her the way I do (she is such an easy mark, so gullible and so emotionally innocent) and that the best place for her is with her loving mom. Am I wrong?

I was raised for a part of my childhood in foster care.. and while I loved one mom that I was lucky to get (thank you mom Yadon!) for the most part... my foster home experience was full of neglect, abuse (of all kinds) and extreme sadness. I equate disabled group homes with that experience because the few I have been in, I viewed "clients" sitting alone in chairs staring at nothing, laying in their beds in rooms with no company, or herded around in groups. I feel terrible that I am talking in such generalities.. but that is my experience.

Amy's days are full of love, and someone (okay me) who says.. "Does that shirt actually match those pants?" "Do you realize your shoes are on the wrong feet?" "Oh come on.. I know you can speak clearer than that" "Lets do something different with your hair this morning." Someone who reads articles out of the newspaper to her, points out if a show is on t.v. that she may not have noticed, offers to go swimming with her and double checks to make sure "everything" is covered properly before she walks out the door. We shop together, plan meals together, talk baseball together and take drives and laugh together when we get lost..

As I said earlier she needs little "helps" throughout her day... from assistance in dressing, fixing her hair and "personal" needs, to cutting her food into bite sized pieces, and helping her dial the phone, to holding her hand when she steps out of the house. She doesn't have mathematical abilities, and until she lost the last of her sight.. could only read simple words in a 2-3" size, and write a simple signature of Amy A. We have tried some of the assisted work programs, but the assistant always ended up doing all the work, so we gave up on that..

While there is a tiny part of me that would love to have an adult life without having to be "needed" all the time, to have alone time with other.. adults. I can't imagine the guilt of knowing that I had time and love... and that my daughter was living with some group home parent.. who most likely feels over-worked, under-paid and under-appreciated.

So am I over-protective? Probably but... I have a 30 year old daughter who is a non-smoking, non-drinking, non-cussing, virgin who has never suffered abuse. Would she be all those if she had been handed over to a group home for her care? If I were to let go of her... and any harm came to her... I just could never forgive myself.

What would you do in my place? Do you know anyone who is in a similar circumstance? What did they do? How did it work out?

Brrrrrr

omg.. help me I am freezing this morning!

Someone send some warm air this way!!

I can't take it!

It is bad when I am only going to work because they turn the heat on in the store...

*note to self* get heater checked out before next winter....

Growing up.. SL style

So one day... I was out for a walk... enjoying what Sl life has to offer.. but wishing for more.

It is hard to be a single avatar in an Sl world. Not that I want to be tied to some routine, but.. there is more to offer in this world than I am seeing, experiencing... and .. so ... little deesue, cute little barbie deesue.... decided to grow up a bit.

I will kind of miss her. She was easy to see past. Others would walk right by her and not even notice she was there.. which.. for the start of my SL life.. was a good thing. It gave me a chance to look around. See what others do. how they are, act, think, behave...

Then with a little help from my advisor... deesue went shopping.. oh boy did she go shopping! New skin, shape, lots of hair, clothes... even added the perfect ao....

and ta da..... the new deesue.. made her appearance.

I'm still me, always will be.... but now maybe someone will want to dance with me.... for another reason other than poor deesue has no one to dance with.

Different times

I was watching some kids playing in their yard this weekend and I found myself feeling sad for them. Maybe they don't even realize what they are missing.. how different things were for their parents and grandparents... the freedom that days off.. that summer offered...

Here they are trapped in their yard with mom checking out the window every few minutes just to make sure no one is driving by preparing to grab them and cart them away...

I feel so lucky to have been raised back in the 70's and out in the country. Each day was an adventure, and there were days that we left in the morning and didn't return until the sun was going down. We hiked in the woods, we trekked along the back roads to the lake, we joined with countless others to earn a few bucks picking strawberries for the local growers.. and some days we spent just playing baseball in the field and sitting up in the apple, plum and cherry trees eating until we were sick.

Summers were great! I remember missing a lot of my friends from school, because back in those days we had a party line (a lot of people now don't even know what that is I bet.. lol) and you couldn't tie up the phone just talking to your friends because the lady down the street might need the phone .. or might just be listening.. lol.

The first days back in school were like reunions and everyone had their stories to tell about how they had spent their summer. At the time I was envious of those that went on fancy vacation trips.. although a few summers I did get to go away to camp and that gave me all kinds of stories to share!

Now as I think back.. I am so glad that we got to have the type summers we had, and that I got to have those carefree days before the world evolved into what it is today!

Poetry of Reflection

I light a candle of hope... because nothing in this life is impossible....

The happy face the people see

the inside darkness that is me..

in my mind

The outer shell so very tough

the inside full of shaking stuff..

in my heart

A smile, a laugh, a joke

a sigh, a tear, a choke..

in my being

Try to see me as I truly am

under this external sham..

in my soul

What will be your reaction

if you find there's still attraction..

to my life

Will you stumble blindly on,

will you choose to still be gone..

from my life

If you could do anything else...

If you could be or do something different than what you are now... Had life handed you a different course... what do you think you would have liked it to be??

This may sound a little odd, but I LOVE tug boats. Not just the cute little one that was in the fairy tales.. although that may be where my love of tug boats came from... but the thought of being in charge of this little boat that has so much power and pull, that without it the big freighters would never be able to make it in and out of the harbors....

Maybe that's part of it too.. the feeling of being so indispensible... of being needed... Well geez.. now all these freudien thoughts are trying to take away the enjoyment of my fantasy... lol nahhh ! I can go down to the harbor and just stare at these sometimes very ugly old tug boats.. and it's like they just call to me.

Of course it would be the Lil Deesue.. and I would fix it up with curtains and comfortable pilot seats... Probably in pinks, so everyone knew it was a girls tug... and I'd always wear pink and white outfits. It would be so cute... but with a kick ass engine in it so that it could pull anything, and if I entered it into a tug boat race, it would blow the other guy's doors off!

Oh my gosh, that would be so great!! Captain Deesue of the Lil Deesue tug lines at your service! Our motto.. "We don't just think we can.. we know we can!!"

How about you?? Got an off the wall wish that hasn't been fulfilled because life took you a different direction?

If the jeans fit.....

I rarely remember my dreams. I sometimes will remember little flashes of one but as soon as I try to tell someone about it, the details just fly out of my brain.

I am guessing this has, partly, to do with the fact that I always have very innocent non-sensical (sp?) dreams. When I say they involve bunnies and skipping in the park I really am not exaggerating... since I gave up watching horror films and got past my childhood "stuff" I have been the queen of non important unassuming dreams.

Last night I dreamt that Russell Simmons (the hip hop record guy, who also has a few lines of clothing) tried all night to help me find the perfect pair of jeans. I was there with one of the ladies that was on "The Next Top Model" and a room full of other girls. He was personally doing all the measurements for each girl, handing them a pair of jeans and sure enough.. each one walked out looking fantastic.. they were perfect!

But for some reason he kept measuring my waist size as 60" and handing me these really baggy, crotch to the knees type, and the pants only hanging to just past my knees. I kept trying to tell him they were way too big and definitely not my style.. that I really wanted a pair that went all the way to my shoes... but he swore "just for me" he would have them altered to fit perfect and that once I saw them done I would love them.

The strange thing is I had to get up twice last night to go to the bathroom (I really need to cut down on the liquids before bed..lol) but when I got back into bed and fell back to sleep... there was Russell Simmons handing me those jeans again..lol.. and every time I tried them on again, no matter how many adjustments were made, they still didn't fit...

I was pretty frustrated by this morning that I still didn't know which pair of jeans were the perfect ones for me. I sure know which ones to avoid though! lol

Hehe.. aren't you all glad I shared that dream with you? Now do you see why it is probably better that I forget the details of most of them? lol

We're here to stay...

You passed us in the store day

We saw you look then glance away

We tried to smile to let you know

we didn't mind we know we're slow

We've learn to walk with heads held high

as people crowd us and loudly sigh

She may be limping but we don't care

and if you'd ask we'd gladly share

The miracles that we face gaily

witnessing the joy that she has daily

You see we never thought she'd walk

the doctors said she'd never talk

We will not leave

We're here to stay

your attitude is wasted on us today.

These words have been written in my mind time and time again over the years I finally decided to put them on paper the other night.

For my daughter Amy. She is my light, my life, my joy, my angel without her my life would not be complete and I would not be the person I am today.

(photo taken about 2 years ago now.. back when I had real short hair)