tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-73147108064369659032024-03-14T04:18:14.811-04:00deesue's placeA little of this, a little of that... all a part of me.deesuehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697303623944599767noreply@blogger.comBlogger88125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7314710806436965903.post-30012012840249582222020-08-07T19:10:00.000-04:002020-08-07T19:10:09.584-04:00Alone<p>I am going to die.</p><p>I have said it out loud a few times but, even at that, I am not sure that my soul believes me. Even as I think of it and know I should be making plans for after I am gone, my brain says ice cream sure sounds good now doesn't it?</p><p>I didn't know until after the surgery that this fix was temporary. Maybe if I had I could have processed the thought more. Would I have believed it then? I'm really not sure.</p><p>I don't know exactly when. The first doctor that was honest with me said 1 - 3 years is the average. The research I have done online has shown me 5 -7 years, but I don't know if they had both surgeries as I have had. It changes the whole equation. I have never been one to shoot for average so I hope I will have 5 - 7.. even longer would be cool.</p><p>I have tried to talk to two people about this dying thing and both pretty much shut me down real quick with oh don't think of it that way.. I am not letting you go anywhere. Which is a nice thought but not real realistic. </p><p>I really need to talk to someone who is facing this. I searched for help groups. I really am not seeing one that screams.. here.. come here. So, I plod on each day holding this in wishing, as I have my whole life, that I had that parent every person is supposed to be able to turn to. The one that lets you say it all, then just knows a way to make you feel better even if they can't fix anything, because they know you so well they just... know.</p><p>It is lonely to live your life alone. Surrounded by acquaintances. It is lonelier to die alone. </p><p>I live each day with a smile on my face for Amy. She deserves more out of this life then I can give her. During this quarantine time alone with her, I have worked very hard to fill her head and heart with stuff.. memories, stories, giggles, imagination, dreams.. I know she doesn't retain most memories for very long but I hope these go to core memories and once I am gone they continue to pop up when she needs them.</p><p>I don't want her to forget me. I don't want to be forgotten. </p>deesuehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697303623944599767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7314710806436965903.post-3833068783686720162015-09-16T09:16:00.000-04:002015-09-16T09:18:04.912-04:00Unseen<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-q21AwTfRp1I/VflqEPr4zTI/AAAAAAAAAeM/aAT4UnADF60/s1600/alone.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="199" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-q21AwTfRp1I/VflqEPr4zTI/AAAAAAAAAeM/aAT4UnADF60/s200/alone.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<br />
My voice<br />
is not heard<br />
<br />
my thoughts<br />
a confusion of<br />
<br />
empty words<br />
said to silence<br />
<br />
questions <br />
without answers<br />
<br />
feelings<br />
I can not explain<br />
<br />
the struggle <br />
to find happiness<br />
<br />
the search<br />
for inner peace<br />
<br />
a whisper<br />
all I can share<br />
<br />
The shout<br />
is silenced<br />
<br />
by my own<br />
insecurities<br />
<br />
wasted<br />
on my journey<br />
<br />
in a life<br />
not meant for me<br />
<br />
I am<br />
an accidental being<br />
<br />
In a world<br />
that can not know medeesuehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697303623944599767noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7314710806436965903.post-39935607054137127252014-11-24T09:14:00.001-05:002014-11-24T09:14:15.521-05:00Thank you Life<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UWD-TIeOp_c/VHM7YgNBRDI/AAAAAAAAAdU/WN03rkrrkuc/s1600/game%2Bof%2Blife.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UWD-TIeOp_c/VHM7YgNBRDI/AAAAAAAAAdU/WN03rkrrkuc/s1600/game%2Bof%2Blife.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
Do you ever stop to wonder.. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
why does one person live while another person dies? </div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
There doesn't seem to be a logic to it... but ..</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
there is a pattern .. a rhyme to this universe, an ebb, a flow.. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
which makes me think in the bigger scheme </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
there IS a reason to it all.</div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
The age old question unanswered..</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Why am I here? What is my purpose? </div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
I don't think anything in this life happens accidently</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I am here for some reason..</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
You are here for some reason..</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and it seems to be okay, maybe even pre-destined </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
that we don't know why.</div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
I do know that I am thankful</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
to be a chosen one to participate </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
in this crazy game called life.</div>
deesuehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697303623944599767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7314710806436965903.post-84075680767142654862014-10-01T17:54:00.000-04:002014-10-01T17:54:29.940-04:00My solitary life<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-q2o3TXrBBKw/VCx2841WjxI/AAAAAAAAAc4/GGKq5C-6wH0/s1600/brick%2Bheart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-q2o3TXrBBKw/VCx2841WjxI/AAAAAAAAAc4/GGKq5C-6wH0/s1600/brick%2Bheart.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm keeping you at arms length</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
it's where you have to be</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I can no longer make excuses</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
for just being me.</div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
I've tried to keep "me" secret<br />I've tried to say the truth<br />neither works to save a heart<br />abandoned in its youth.</div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
It will not ever matter<br />how perfect you may be<br />the problem lies with<br />the person that is me.</div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
I can't continue hurting<br />the people who reach out<br />there is no way to fix me<br />on that I have no doubt.</div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
So please except my smile<br />or handshake that I give<br />it's all I have to offer<br />it's how I have to live.</div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm really not unhappy<br />I'm really not so sad<br />I'm just alone as always<br />it's really not so bad.</div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
God made me strong<br />right from the start<br />then I built the walls<br />that protect my heart.</div>
deesuehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697303623944599767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7314710806436965903.post-77321935723192148992014-09-23T12:58:00.000-04:002014-09-23T12:58:43.190-04:00Why??<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_z7VrX_GiDw/VCGmWWosj3I/AAAAAAAAAco/IXXxBW1IOtM/s1600/Broken-Rope.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_z7VrX_GiDw/VCGmWWosj3I/AAAAAAAAAco/IXXxBW1IOtM/s1600/Broken-Rope.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
How can you expect me to keep positive when all you throw me is frayed ropes with no chance of lasting??<br />
<br />
What have I done to cause this??<br />
<br />
Why??<br />
<br />
I have tried all my life .. <br />
<br />
Why do you continue to test me?? <br />
<br />
Why??<br />
<br />
I don't deserve this! Amy doesn't deserve this!<br />
<br />
Why??<br />
<br />
I don't understand why you keeping raising my hopes.. then just let me fall.<br />
<br />
Why??deesuehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697303623944599767noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7314710806436965903.post-8005422502805893012014-08-14T19:25:00.001-04:002014-08-14T19:25:33.645-04:00I am enough<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fphrYK7wfXw/U-1ExJel2VI/AAAAAAAAAcY/9g0I1HQf4wU/s1600/standing%2Balone.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fphrYK7wfXw/U-1ExJel2VI/AAAAAAAAAcY/9g0I1HQf4wU/s1600/standing%2Balone.jpg" height="320" width="298" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
There is only one</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
who shouldn't let you down,</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
it is yourself.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
You owe you</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
not anyone else.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I know that now</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
and will not rely on others</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
for what I have inside to give.</div>
deesuehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697303623944599767noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7314710806436965903.post-62434539379857191172014-07-07T01:18:00.002-04:002014-07-07T01:18:17.171-04:00They all disappear<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ho8fGKvlIGg/U7osvQHlLMI/AAAAAAAAAcE/0zMwbnryUhk/s1600/sad-girl-alone-relationship-quote-Favim_com-481354.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ho8fGKvlIGg/U7osvQHlLMI/AAAAAAAAAcE/0zMwbnryUhk/s1600/sad-girl-alone-relationship-quote-Favim_com-481354.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
I sit in the quiet<br />
only the sound of the ceiling fan<br />
the breeze feels nice<br />
it's too hot to sleep<br />
and yet I know I should be.<br />
<br />
I made the mistake <br />
of looking at my sisters facebook page.<br />
I know better.<br />
<br />
A reminder of a life<br />
so different from the one I live.<br />
And so separate from mine.<br />
.<br />
I remember for a short time thinking<br />
I had met my best friend<br />
linked by blood.<br />
<br />
How quickly things change.<br />
How fast people appear and disappear <br />
from our lives, from my life.<br />
<br />
Sigh.. I have to get up in five hours.<br />
Please let her not be in my dreams.<br />
Family .. it means nothing but sadness.<br />
Closes off my world again.<br />
<br />deesuehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697303623944599767noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7314710806436965903.post-50326498682780408072014-06-24T00:11:00.001-04:002014-06-24T00:11:40.978-04:00I Believe<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SZCCSGB_y4o/U6j5yNIhDQI/AAAAAAAAAb0/vMJTwLJXwvs/s1600/Transfer-Values.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SZCCSGB_y4o/U6j5yNIhDQI/AAAAAAAAAb0/vMJTwLJXwvs/s1600/Transfer-Values.jpg" height="179" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Trust</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Faith</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Hope</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Love</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Honor</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Truth</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Joy</div>
<br />deesuehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697303623944599767noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7314710806436965903.post-62356292058166757912014-06-14T14:16:00.002-04:002014-06-14T18:18:10.942-04:00I believe in you<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7tnYsUUzvc8/U5yQxoZsveI/AAAAAAAAAbk/2YXk3LCssDs/s1600/71-7178-TXEU100Z.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7tnYsUUzvc8/U5yQxoZsveI/AAAAAAAAAbk/2YXk3LCssDs/s1600/71-7178-TXEU100Z.jpg" height="244" width="320" /></a></div>
She entered my life with laughter<br />
I recognized the ploy<br />
of being entertaining<br />
to cover the hurt.<br />
<br />
In her I see so much of me.<br />
Childhood trauma<br />
a life of insecurity<br />
that damn scars only you see<br />
screaming I'm not worthy<br />
when the world sees how truly amazing you are.<br />
<br />
So many years later<br />
we are still one <br />
we are still the same<br />
All the ribbons, kudos and degrees<br />
can't erase the past can they?<br />
<br />
If I could give you one thing my friend<br />
it would be that you see you<br />
as you see me.<br />
We are the awesome.. <br />
we just have to believe.<br />
<br />
I love you Angi<br />
(You are the little sis my mom should have had)<br />
<br />deesuehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697303623944599767noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7314710806436965903.post-61479890192325704822014-06-07T00:50:00.000-04:002014-06-07T09:00:50.702-04:00The reflection<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-U0vL15aHxvg/U5KYtX-HznI/AAAAAAAAAbY/WzbSNu6p-y4/s1600/coffee1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-U0vL15aHxvg/U5KYtX-HznI/AAAAAAAAAbY/WzbSNu6p-y4/s1600/coffee1.jpg" height="320" width="306" /></a></div>
She sat in a chair<br />
with a smile on her face.<br />
The thought crossed her mind <br />
to wonder why. <br />
<br />
But she pushed it aside<br />
and just enjoyed the moment<br />
for what it was.<br />
<br />
Sometimes in life<br />
it's best not to look for details<br />
sometimes it's just enough <br />
to know it's there.<br />
<br />
Whether it lasts<br />
or is just a fleeting glimpse<br />
of something unseen for so long.<br />
<br />
She knew it felt good<br />
and that was all that mattered.<br />
She sipped from her cup<br />
and enjoyed being herself.<br />
<br />deesuehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697303623944599767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7314710806436965903.post-54323803328729187952014-05-25T15:53:00.000-04:002014-08-20T21:20:13.011-04:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TDmReJiXWdY/U4JJZm4g3kI/AAAAAAAAAbE/VA7IaIhb2GI/s1600/Zero-Challenge-Failure.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TDmReJiXWdY/U4JJZm4g3kI/AAAAAAAAAbE/VA7IaIhb2GI/s1600/Zero-Challenge-Failure.png" height="122" width="320" /></a></div>
Sighs.. I was challenged to write something happy here.. and I have searched for two days to find that happy center that I have to draw from to put pen to paper. <br />
<br />
I know, in my lifetime of 55 years, there have been happy moments. <br />
<br />
I can't find a single one that isn't surrounded with a sad or a hurt. <br />
<br />
It is as if I am not meant to retain those happy times. <br />
<br />
They are like fleeting thoughts of.. "Oh there is one.. uh no. hmm"<br />
<br />
With each happy moment came a price, an after effect, a crushing fall.<br />
<br />
I do not look at my life as sad, or unsuccessful, but there is a reason I have not been able to sit and write my life story. I only have one view point. It is a book I would not want to read. A story that isn't meant to be told. A life better taken in small doses. <br />
<br />
So I must admit my failure to meet this challenge. For now.<br />
<br />deesuehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697303623944599767noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7314710806436965903.post-57390964455636378012014-02-06T08:28:00.000-05:002014-02-17T09:06:31.499-05:00Broken<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_lTxbxEA-7o/UvONfu73ZaI/AAAAAAAAAaY/VoSotf9xXrA/s1600/broken-doll.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_lTxbxEA-7o/UvONfu73ZaI/AAAAAAAAAaY/VoSotf9xXrA/s1600/broken-doll.jpg" height="229" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
I called out <br />
you didn't hear<br />
the pain hidden<br />
by a smile<br />
<br />
I cant tell<br />
the fear I hide<br />
even I don't know<br />
where it is<br />
<br />
I need help<br />
push it away<br />
scream in silence<br />
hope you know<br />
<br />
the broken doll<br />
left all alone<br />
calls for you<br />
no words heard<br />
<br />deesuehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697303623944599767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7314710806436965903.post-59806737031746623902014-01-26T18:18:00.002-05:002014-01-26T18:19:25.759-05:00It's not JUST a name<div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed" id="id_52e59752b606d1f45893006">
<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">Niggers! Kikes! Wops! <br /><br /> Yeah there was a time these names were all part of the regular language.. a punch line in a joke.. even if it bothered you.. You kept your mouth closed and pretended to go along so you wouldn't look "uncool"<br /><br /> Then one day people found their voice and said HEY! Knock it off!! .. and now to use these is totally unacceptable.. <br /><br /> But.. did we learn anything?<br /><br /> How many of you ha<span class="text_exposed_show">ve used the term "short bus" "window-licker" "retard" "special" lately.. and got a big laugh from the crowd?? <br /><br /> I can answer that.. a lot of you. And I know you aren't mean people.. it's just the new cool slam.. the easy target for a punch line, because let's face it, they aren't standing there to defend themselves to speak up and say HEY! <br /><br /> Please think twice before you do it again.. it hurts. It hurts some of us real bad. There has to be a better way to be funny then to slam those that can't always speak up for themselves.. isn't there???<br /><br /> Sorry but I just couldn't hold it in any longer.</span></span></div>
deesuehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697303623944599767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7314710806436965903.post-27007687461711097292013-12-14T21:12:00.000-05:002018-01-03T18:42:50.311-05:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-H3pkhfwPnTI/Uq0PUqEMBiI/AAAAAAAAAaE/REdg6LrYu8s/s1600/all_alone_for_christmas_by_b0x0rz.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-H3pkhfwPnTI/Uq0PUqEMBiI/AAAAAAAAAaE/REdg6LrYu8s/s320/all_alone_for_christmas_by_b0x0rz.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
The holidays suck.<br />
I thought I wasn't going to be alone this year.<br />
Trapped in all this Christmas cheer.<br />
I keep trying to participate, to enjoy.<br />
I hate you for doing this to me.<br />
For leaving me alone.<br />
I hate that I hate you.<br />
I wish you had never come into my life<br />
then I wouldn't have been reminded<br />
of what I'm missing.<br />
I've asked for forgiveness ..<br />
for hating you.<br />
Each day I hate you again.<br />
And each day my heart aches,<br />
not for losing you, <br />
but for being alone.<br />
It's hard to be alone in a crowd<br />
especially at the holidays.<br />
I wish you loneliness, <br />
deep empty sadness,<br />
because that is what you gave me for Christmas.<br />
<br />deesuehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697303623944599767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7314710806436965903.post-80076438291615519432013-08-04T08:20:00.001-04:002013-08-04T08:20:41.542-04:00Age<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oPrtLlnMRkU/Uf5FyBd5xeI/AAAAAAAAAYI/wvOZwc3NGlI/s1600/Age.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oPrtLlnMRkU/Uf5FyBd5xeI/AAAAAAAAAYI/wvOZwc3NGlI/s320/Age.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
How is it that I let this thought get away from me? <br />
<br />
Thankfully I am surrounded by the smartest people on the planet. <br />
<br />
Hello, life.. I'm back.<br />
<br />deesuehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697303623944599767noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7314710806436965903.post-40313551364198277842013-08-02T01:30:00.001-04:002013-08-02T01:31:15.449-04:00Solitude<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gJsw5QHe924/UftCoHWC3bI/AAAAAAAAAX8/MWgdqdgkuGU/s1600/old_man.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gJsw5QHe924/UftCoHWC3bI/AAAAAAAAAX8/MWgdqdgkuGU/s320/old_man.jpg" width="245" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
He walked the streets .. tired. He was not unhappy, but those who saw him could see how hard life had been on him. The lines on his face, his worn crippled hands, his tattered clothes, the slow pace of age worn legs.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
Each day he waited in line at the shelter, knowing there would be a free hot meal waiting on the other side of the walls. The people there only asked that he sat in a church pew and listened to their words for a bit, then he could quickly eat the meal handed him.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
The directors were kind. Most nights a cot was offered to him and he knew he could stay in the safety of the shelter, but each night he quietly shook his head and headed out the back door and down the alley.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
His eyes darting back and forth to make sure he wasnt followed as he ducked low and crawled beneath the old bridge deep inside the forgotten garden of the once popular but now neglected cemetary.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
Lifting the flap of the large refrigerator box that was now his home, he settled into the worn blankets. His body rocking back and forth to chase off the cold of the night.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
It wasn't long before his eyes closed and he drifted off to sleep. Dreaming most nights of the friends and family he had left behind. Flashes of sad eyes, beckoning fingers, calls for him to come home.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
Each morning he would awake, shake off those feelings and sit and listen to the birds, calling to one another, relaying messages. He would stay most of the day in or near his home. Being one with the solitude.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
He knew most didnt understand his choice to live this way, he couldnt explain it even if he tried, which he never did, but for the first time in all of his living years the voices were quiet and he was finally at peace.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
These were the times he smiled. When no one was around to see.</div>
<br />deesuehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697303623944599767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7314710806436965903.post-80152996749415571242013-07-30T08:54:00.000-04:002013-07-30T08:57:55.044-04:00Have you seen.. whats her name?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KvayXd6AAVQ/Ufe3BeWjPjI/AAAAAAAAAXo/ihT31pAPheo/s1600/ill+be+alright.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="216" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KvayXd6AAVQ/Ufe3BeWjPjI/AAAAAAAAAXo/ihT31pAPheo/s320/ill+be+alright.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
I may not be around much for a bit. A few days.. I dont know. It just seems so
much as happened lately and to be honest I'm confused about.. everything. I
don't know what I feel about anything anymore. At this point it is all too much
to take in, so I am choosing the only thing I know to do and that is to back
away and hide for a while.
<br />
<br />
I have let Second Life .. be my life for some time now. It was a safe path
away from real life that has not always been good to me. So I made my fantasy
world where all things can be good and happy and perfect. But now I see that
Second Life is the same.<br />
<br />
I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to hurt.. anyone, including
myself. And maybe in living in this pretend world I have done just that. I
stopped living at all in the real world.<br />
<br />
So, I'm going to stop and try to reconnect at least in small ways, to this
real life I have... had... wished I had.<br />
<br />
Maybe if I put even a small amount of time into it I can find whatever it
is.. I'm missing. because I have lost a spark, a flame, a fire that you need in
this life to want to get up every morning.<br />
<br />
If nothing else, at least I will have known I tried.<br />
<br />
Not saying I may not log on. Just know I may not be.. as available as I have
been. All of the things happening lately have just made me really stop and
wonder what I am doing.. in so many areas of my life. So I need to take a closer
look, through only my own eyes.deesuehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697303623944599767noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7314710806436965903.post-60990949460110152672013-07-18T11:13:00.000-04:002013-07-18T11:14:22.221-04:00Lies<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7XTBNRUabSc/UegF47cs0zI/AAAAAAAAAXY/i837OQ4r4GM/s1600/truth.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7XTBNRUabSc/UegF47cs0zI/AAAAAAAAAXY/i837OQ4r4GM/s1600/truth.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
My whole life is lies. <br />
<br />
I am not a whole person. I am bits and pieces glued together with lousy glue. A little bit of heat, a little bit of cold, a little bit of anything and the pieces come apart again.<br />
<br />
I keep trying to patch me together, but with anything broken, each time I'm repaired I become more and more fragile. <br />
<br />
I'm sorry I let people down again. Lying, pretending to have answers for their problems when I have struggled all these years to find my own. <br />
<br />
I wish I could be what I have pretended to be. I'm sorry I lied about what I am. I am not strong, I am not wise, I am not a success.. in any way.deesuehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697303623944599767noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7314710806436965903.post-56464268094303203432013-07-16T08:03:00.000-04:002013-07-16T08:04:31.529-04:00Out of the darkness comes..<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-t9Sjdm_L738/UeUxIraJdwI/AAAAAAAAAXI/XyV-X3NlLcs/s1600/stars.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-t9Sjdm_L738/UeUxIraJdwI/AAAAAAAAAXI/XyV-X3NlLcs/s1600/stars.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
Sometimes the emotions of the world around me, can consume me. Eat at my soul until I can't see anything but the black. I feel completely, I feel deep. A part of me wishes I didn't, that I could pretend things are okay, turn a blind eye, shrug my shoulders and walk on. But it seems God made me to be a well.. A deep place for all my things to come hide, to reside until they feel safe to venture out on their own.<br />
<br />
I think I'm pretty good at putting on a happy face. I'm really not sad all the time. Well, maybe I am but it is deep inside. The surface is happy and maybe we aren't supposed to find the inner core so often.. just maybe that is why it is hidden so far down.<br />
<br />
I do know that the sadness I carry, makes me appreciate the happiness I can also feel. No, I'm not going to break out in a verse of "This little light of mine...." well darn it .. I guess I did but I didn't mean to.. laughs.. but it's true...<br />
<br />
The brightest stars in the world aren't on a stage.. they are those of us that have been trapped in the dark. Sometimes over and over again, to occasionally break through as a symbol of hope, a sign of joy, a map for those still lost and trying to find their way.<br />
<br />deesuehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697303623944599767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7314710806436965903.post-30535013502171619722013-07-06T16:47:00.001-04:002013-07-06T16:47:35.146-04:00Please don't make me ride this ride<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cFUgF99USK4/UdiBZ46IZ0I/AAAAAAAAAW4/QYB6lg9LPR8/s1600/roller+coaster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cFUgF99USK4/UdiBZ46IZ0I/AAAAAAAAAW4/QYB6lg9LPR8/s1600/roller+coaster.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
I walk to the ride, knowing I don't want to be there, forced to get on. I put on a smile and pretend to be excited. My friends and family all believe me. I make all the right motions, say all the right words.. after pretending for so long, I know what they want to hear to not have any doubts. I've done it for so long that even I believe me sometimes. <br />
<br />
For moments I convince myself I really do want to be on this ride. My heart starts to get excited. I catch myself smiling.. I grip the safety bar for added assurance and for minutes at a time.. I am so happy. <br />
<br />
The climb to the top is exhilarating. I never want it to end.. I am so happy.. no don't! don't reach the top.. let's stay right here I want to scream. Then we are at the top and I know what is next.. the descent,, the long, long fall.. that quickly takes away all my joy, all my faith, my strength, my confidence. <br />
<br />
Please dear God in heaven. just leave me down here. stop this ride now.. don't make me climb back up.. I cant take it anymore. Not another climb! Please not another climb.. but the ride continues.. breaking me down farther and farther as it goes along. I try to hide my face. Only letting others see me as I climb.. if only I could stop reaching the top. If only..deesuehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697303623944599767noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7314710806436965903.post-2817416335815888732013-06-15T23:59:00.000-04:002013-06-16T00:00:28.792-04:00Recurring Dreams<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9TbQ0AAaRvs/Ub031LOB1NI/AAAAAAAAAWg/HL2sl-agpQg/s1600/dreams.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9TbQ0AAaRvs/Ub031LOB1NI/AAAAAAAAAWg/HL2sl-agpQg/s1600/dreams.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
I stand in the middle of a huge arena. A skating rink maybe.. all I know is it round, with highly polished floors, slippery. I have a ball.. like a bowling ball but with no holes. <br />
<br />
No one is there to tell me the rules but somehow I know I need to get this ball to the side. <br />
The floor is flat, it looks so easy. I roll the ball as hard as I can but no matter what.. before it can reach the edge.. it rolls back to me. Over and over I try. <br />
<br />
Sometimes it gets so close I start to celebrate, then there that damn ball is right by my feet again. Sometimes even though I push it hard it only rolls a few feet then comes rushing back to me. Over and over all night.. I wake up frustrated.. <br />
<br />
I dream this dream over and over for most of the years of my childhood. Every once in a while it sneaks into my adulthood.. exactly the same.. and never any success. <br />
<br />
What does it mean and why can I never get completely rid of it.. sighs. I'm so glad, for the most part I forget what I've dreamt as soon as I wake up.deesuehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697303623944599767noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7314710806436965903.post-69183505758058794472013-06-11T10:42:00.000-04:002013-06-11T10:46:05.144-04:00I want to<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-B8VxKYEZC1c/Ubc4IXP7YpI/AAAAAAAAAWQ/hf8qGqdtz6k/s1600/Humpty-Dumpty.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-B8VxKYEZC1c/Ubc4IXP7YpI/AAAAAAAAAWQ/hf8qGqdtz6k/s320/Humpty-Dumpty.jpg" width="242" /></a></div>
<br />
Tears well <br />
in my eyes<br />
My heart <br />
aches<br />
for trust <br />
taken <br />
I can't<br />
evolve.<br />
Arms open<br />
to me<br />
I can't <br />
enjoy<br />
I want to.<br />
Fear rules<br />
my life<br />
I can't<br />
forgive<br />
I need to.<br />
See me<br />
broken<br />
I can't<br />
forget<br />
I don't<br />
know why.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
deesuehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697303623944599767noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7314710806436965903.post-80102309152019843952013-05-02T00:38:00.000-04:002013-05-02T00:39:01.972-04:00The touch<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ZpHTYaetGkU/UYHpSes-EOI/AAAAAAAAAVg/3rUdPaNPNjI/s1600/amys+baby+hand.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ZpHTYaetGkU/UYHpSes-EOI/AAAAAAAAAVg/3rUdPaNPNjI/s320/amys+baby+hand.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
You...<br />
trust me to not let you down<br />
love me no matter what<br />
believe me in all things<br />
light up my world.<br />
<br />
Without you..<br />
my world has no meaning<br />
I would not be who I am<br />
I would not exist<br />
<br />
With...<br />
one smile in your sleep<br />
one touch of your hand<br />
<br />
<br />deesuehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697303623944599767noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7314710806436965903.post-54718920698319866052013-04-25T08:36:00.000-04:002013-04-25T08:36:47.298-04:00It begins with a single step<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kCcmdxEoOVk/UXkc3gRPA5I/AAAAAAAAAVQ/h8BBjCO8KoI/s1600/pickyourselfup-copy-small.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="256" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kCcmdxEoOVk/UXkc3gRPA5I/AAAAAAAAAVQ/h8BBjCO8KoI/s320/pickyourselfup-copy-small.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
I have never had a problem with failing at things. There are a lot of things I am flat out NOT good at, and I'm okay with that. Most times. Sure I would like to be as skilled as others around me, but if the world didn't have spectators.. who would the talented people perform for?? Ah yes, life makes a place for each of us.<br />
<br />
Throughout this journey of living, I have found a way to be happy with what has been handed me.. no matter how meager it has been at times. <br />
<br />
It is so darned easy to see the things around me that can be adjusted, tweaked, shined, lifted up, coddled, and sometimes replaced to make things better.<br />
<br />
Trying to find the key to my own inner peace has been the biggest challenge lately. Somewhere along the line I stopped looking from within and made the mistake of thinking others would hold that key.<br />
<br />
No doubt in my mind we need others to help us along the way, but only we can answer those voices from within. Only we can feed our souls. Only we can make the changes we need to get ourselves pointed back in the right direction.<br />
<br />
Some of the sounds within me are muffled right now, and maybe that's a good thing. New journeys come from reinvention. I've always loved to move.. physically and spiritually.. a time to start fresh and clean. <br />
<br />
I wonder what lies ahead? I'm ready to find out.<br />
<br />deesuehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697303623944599767noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7314710806436965903.post-46125821031297594762013-04-24T09:31:00.000-04:002013-04-24T09:31:20.704-04:001 + 2 = Lucky Me<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-a-GuDFQ1cz4/UXfcXcZmDjI/AAAAAAAAAVA/ChtlCX2DnUw/s1600/best+friends.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-a-GuDFQ1cz4/UXfcXcZmDjI/AAAAAAAAAVA/ChtlCX2DnUw/s320/best+friends.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
I'm a train wreck at times.. no doubt about it.<br />
<br />
All my life I've been alone to fend for myself..<br />
<br />
Until now.<br />
<br />
See those two crazy ladies I got my arms around up there??<br />
<br />
Keiki and Angi.. the two best things to ever happen to me...<br />
<br />
How they see past my faults, I havent a clue, but they do.<br />
<br />
These two never let me go, no matter how bad I get <br />
<br />
and somehow they see in me something I don't.<br />
<br />
Hope some day I can be what they see.. until then..<br />
<br />
Angi and Keiki.. I love ya ladies.. we are a hell of a threesome.<br />
<br />
(was gonna title this "the best threesome ever" but didnt want the hits that title would bring lol)deesuehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15697303623944599767noreply@blogger.com1