Thursday, February 6, 2014


I called out
you didn't hear
the pain hidden
by a smile

I cant tell
the fear I hide
even I don't know
where it is

I need help
push it away
scream in silence
hope you know

the broken doll
left all alone
calls for you
no words heard

Sunday, January 26, 2014

It's not JUST a name

Niggers! Kikes! Wops!

Yeah there was a time these names were all part of the regular language.. a punch line in a joke.. even if it bothered you.. You kept your mouth closed and pretended to go along so you wouldn't look "uncool"

Then one day people found their voice and said HEY! Knock it off!! .. and now to use these is totally unacceptable..

But.. did we learn anything?

How many of you have used the term "short bus" "window-licker" "retard" "special" lately.. and got a big laugh from the crowd??

I can answer that.. a lot of you. And I know you aren't mean people.. it's just the new cool slam.. the easy target for a punch line, because let's face it, they aren't standing there to defend themselves to speak up and say HEY!

Please think twice before you do it again.. it hurts. It hurts some of us real bad. There has to be a better way to be funny then to slam those that can't always speak up for themselves.. isn't there???

Sorry but I just couldn't hold it in any longer.

Sunday, August 4, 2013


How is it that I let this thought get away from me?

Thankfully I am surrounded by the smartest people on the planet.

Hello, life.. I'm back.

Friday, August 2, 2013


He walked the streets .. tired. He was not unhappy, but those who saw him could see how hard life had been on him. The lines on his face, his worn crippled hands, his tattered clothes, the slow pace of age worn legs.
Each day he waited in line at the shelter, knowing there would be a free hot meal waiting on the other side of the walls. The people there only asked that he sat in a church pew and listened to their words for a bit, then he could quickly eat the meal handed him.
The directors were kind. Most nights a cot was offered to him and he knew he could stay in the safety of the shelter, but each night he quietly shook his head and headed out the back door and down the alley.
His eyes darting back and forth to make sure he wasnt followed as he ducked low and crawled beneath the old bridge deep inside the forgotten garden of the once popular but now neglected cemetary.
Lifting the flap of the large refrigerator box that was now his home, he settled into the worn blankets. His body rocking back and forth to chase off the cold of the night.
It wasn't long before his eyes closed and he drifted off to sleep. Dreaming most nights of the friends and family he had left behind. Flashes of sad eyes, beckoning fingers, calls for him to come home.
Each morning he would awake, shake off those feelings and sit and listen to the birds, calling to one another, relaying messages. He would stay most of the day in or near his home. Being one with the solitude.
He knew most didnt understand his choice to live this way, he couldnt explain it even if he tried, which he never did, but for the first time in all of his living years the voices were quiet and he was finally at peace.
These were the times he smiled. When no one was around to see.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Have you seen.. whats her name?

I may not be around much for a bit. A few days.. I dont know. It just seems so much as happened lately and to be honest I'm confused about.. everything. I don't know what I feel about anything anymore. At this point it is all too much to take in, so I am choosing the only thing I know to do and that is to back away and hide for a while.

I have let Second Life .. be my life for some time now. It was a safe path away from real life that has not always been good to me. So I made my fantasy world where all things can be good and happy and perfect. But now I see that Second Life is the same.

I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to hurt.. anyone, including myself. And maybe in living in this pretend world I have done just that. I stopped living at all in the real world.

So, I'm going to stop and try to reconnect at least in small ways, to this real life I have... had... wished I had.

Maybe if I put even a small amount of time into it I can find whatever it is.. I'm missing. because I have lost a spark, a flame, a fire that you need in this life to want to get up every morning.

If nothing else, at least I will have known I tried.

Not saying I may not log on. Just know I may not be.. as available as I have been. All of the things happening lately have just made me really stop and wonder what I am doing.. in so many areas of my life. So I need to take a closer look, through only my own eyes.

Thursday, July 18, 2013


My whole life is lies.

I am not a whole person. I am bits and pieces glued together with lousy glue. A little bit of heat, a little bit of cold, a little bit of anything and the pieces come apart again.

I keep trying to patch me together, but with anything broken, each time I'm repaired I become more and more fragile.

I'm sorry I let people down again. Lying, pretending to have answers for their problems when I have struggled all these years to find my own.

I wish I could be what I have pretended to be. I'm sorry I lied about what I am. I am not strong, I am not wise, I am not a success.. in any way.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Out of the darkness comes..

Sometimes the emotions of the world around me, can consume me. Eat at my soul until I can't see anything but the black. I feel completely, I feel deep. A part of me wishes I didn't, that I could pretend things are okay, turn a blind eye, shrug my shoulders and walk on. But it seems God made me to be a well.. A deep place for all my things to come hide, to reside until they feel safe to venture out on their own.

I think I'm pretty good at putting on a happy face. I'm really not sad all the time. Well, maybe I am but it is deep inside. The surface is happy and maybe we aren't supposed to find the inner core so often.. just maybe that is why it is hidden so far down.

I do know that the sadness I carry, makes me appreciate the happiness I can also feel. No, I'm not going to break out in a verse of "This little light of mine...." well darn it .. I guess I did but I didn't mean to.. laughs.. but it's true...

The brightest stars in the world aren't on a stage.. they are those of us that have been trapped in the dark. Sometimes over and over again, to occasionally break through as a symbol of hope, a sign of joy, a map for those still lost and trying to find their way.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Please don't make me ride this ride

I walk to the ride, knowing I don't want to be there, forced to get on. I put on a smile and pretend to be excited. My friends and family all believe me. I make all the right motions, say all the right words.. after pretending for so long, I know what they want to hear to not have any doubts. I've done it for so long that even I believe me sometimes.

For moments I convince myself I really do want to be on this ride. My heart starts to get excited. I catch myself smiling.. I grip the safety bar for added assurance and for minutes at a time.. I am so happy.

The climb to the top is exhilarating. I never want it to end.. I am so happy.. no don't! don't reach the top.. let's stay right here I want to scream. Then we are at the top and I know what is next.. the descent,, the long, long fall.. that quickly takes away all my joy, all my faith, my strength, my confidence.

Please dear God in heaven. just leave me down here. stop this ride now.. don't make me climb back up.. I cant take it anymore. Not another climb! Please not another climb.. but the ride continues.. breaking me down farther and farther as it goes along. I try to hide my face. Only letting others see me as I climb.. if only I could stop reaching the top. If only..

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Recurring Dreams

I stand in the middle of a huge arena. A skating rink maybe.. all I know is it round, with highly polished floors, slippery. I have a ball.. like a bowling ball but with no holes.

No one is there to tell me the rules but somehow I know I need to get this ball to the side.
The floor is flat, it looks so easy. I roll the ball as hard as I can but no matter what.. before it can reach the edge.. it rolls back to me. Over and over I try.

Sometimes it gets so close I start to celebrate, then there that damn ball is right by my feet again. Sometimes even though I push it hard it only rolls a few feet then comes rushing back to me. Over and over all night.. I wake up frustrated..

I dream this dream over and over for most of the years of my childhood. Every  once in a while it sneaks into my adulthood.. exactly the same.. and never any success.

What does it mean and why can I never get completely rid of it.. sighs. I'm so glad, for the most part I forget what I've dreamt as soon as I wake up.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

I want to

Tears well
in my eyes
My heart
for trust
I can't
Arms open
to me
I can't
I want to.
Fear rules
my life
I can't
I need to.
See me
I can't
I don't
know why.