The touch

You...
trust me to not let you down
love me no matter what
believe me in all things
light up my world.

Without you..
my world has no meaning
I would not be who I am
I would not exist

With...
one smile in your sleep
one touch of your hand

It begins with a single step

I have never had a problem with failing at things. There are a lot of things I am flat out NOT good at, and I'm okay with that. Most times. Sure I would like to be as skilled as others around me, but if the world didn't have spectators.. who would the talented people perform for?? Ah yes, life makes a place for each of us.

Throughout this journey of living, I have found a way to be happy with what has been handed me.. no matter how meager it has been at times.

It is so darned easy to see the things around me that can be adjusted, tweaked, shined, lifted up, coddled, and sometimes replaced to make things better.

Trying to find the key to my own inner peace has been the biggest challenge lately. Somewhere along the line I stopped looking from within and made the mistake of thinking others would hold that key.

No doubt in my mind we need others to help us along the way, but only we can answer those voices from within. Only we can feed our souls. Only we can make the changes we need to get ourselves pointed back in the right direction.

Some of the sounds within me are muffled right now, and maybe that's a good thing. New journeys come from reinvention. I've always loved to move.. physically and spiritually.. a time to start fresh and clean.

I wonder what lies ahead? I'm ready to find out.

1 + 2 = Lucky Me

I'm a train wreck at times.. no doubt about it.

All my life I've been alone to fend for myself..

Until now.

See those two crazy ladies I got my arms around up there??

Keiki and Angi.. the two best things to ever happen to me...

How they see past my faults, I havent a clue, but they do.

These two never let me go, no matter how bad I get

and somehow they see in me something I don't.

Hope some day I can be what they see.. until then..

Angi and Keiki.. I love ya ladies.. we are a hell of a threesome.

(was gonna title this "the best threesome ever" but didnt want the hits that title would bring lol)

You're not enough

look at them,
how they succeed
why cant you
be like them
go back in your shell
like a turtle

the world isn't
a good place
for the likes of you
you're not enough
they all know
you should too

Sometimes the best reaction is none

 

Here I am back at this site again. Why?

Easy. you don't talk back. I can say what I want without someone responding. Without seeing a sad face, a disappointed look, a smile when I don't want to see one. The safety of non-reaction.

Yes, that is why I blog.

It has been almost 5 years now since my daughter lost her sight. My life changed then. It has never been the same. I have never been the same. It was more than just her losing her sight (which was astronomical) .. it was the days that I lost faith, lost hope.. that, somehow, no matter what we went through it would all be okay.

Did our life go on? Do we live an okay life? Do we love each other with all our hearts? Yes.

Can I ever look at a problem now and see anything but the worst outcome? No.. and it has changed me.

I wish I had someone to turn to.. to just .. be there.. but I cant, because I cant be real with anyone ever again. I need the safety of non-reaction.

Re-reads what she wrote.. posts and returns the smile to her face, walking back into the world to be what everyone expects her to be.. *whispers* I will see you again soon. there is so much I need to be able to say.

Tag

There are no accidents. We are all tied together with a single invisible thread. We can't see it but each action causes a reaction. No matter how big, no matter how small. There are no accidents. I was lead here. You were lead here. We were lead here to somehow touch each other's lives.. for a moment, a time, a ripple.Sometimes the touch is good, sometimes it is not, but each touch, is necessary to get us to where we are today and where we will be heading tomorrow. You who think you have choices.. have not evolved. Even your choices.. were scripted. It is an illusion of choice.The world grows smaller as our reach grows wider. We are in control, but of nothing.When I leave this place, when you leave this place. Life will continue on with the ripples we have helped make.We will not go unneeded, even if we feel unnecessary. Without our part, others parts would not be.We touch in a game of cosmic tag.

Such a simple word. Four little letters.

Used to describe.. strong like for a variety of things, and situations.

I realize just how much I love.. so many objects, so many people, so many actions.

Sometimes my heart seems so full I don't think it can hold more, than it does.

Yes, love is like shoe shopping. You just can't have enough, there is always room for more.

confessions of a fly

The strands thicken until the fly fears there is no way to escape... with one last strong flutter of its wings it breaks free from what started as such an inviting web.

Even as it starts to fly away, it circles back, drawn by the comfort that was found there.

In the distance, it sees new webs, new fields, new flowers and trees.

It is good to be a fly in this great big world.

Okay, confession time.

I am a democratic, independent, republican.. yes.. I actually vote for the person I think is best for the position, no matter his or her political tag.

I am disappointed when politics comes down to belittling people. Who of us is so perfect that we have a right to judge???? Whether as a joke or mean spirited.. it just doesn't feel right to me. I have made too many mistakes.. for which I am glad I didn't have to publically answer to.

My family is also not perfect.. thankfully I don't have to apologize each day for their actions either.

I believe in God. Yep, what a fraud I have been. I not only believe.. I pray every night. I pray for peace, miracles, comfort and forgiveness... yes, forgiveness for not speaking up. I pray that I am right and there is a heaven, filled with peace, pain free living, and angelic souls.

SL has been an enlightening experiment in my principles. I now know, no matter how nice the people are around me... if I am going against my basic beliefs... it doesn't work for me.

I apologize for not speaking up at the start. I never pretended to be anyone else... or maybe I did, in a silent way. I know I will feel better about me... now that I have stated these things out loud.

Life

Lost in the world
not knowing where
I fit in
Lost in myself
wondering why
I am here
Feeling needed
but unnecessary
loved
but alone
happy
yet sad
smiling
sighing
laughing
crying
life goes on
so will I

Remembering, never forgetting

I am having a hard time the past few days... I don't know why.. but I can't seem to get my brother out of my head, so I went searching through my old blog pages from a previous site and decided to post the following blog(s) here.. maybe it will help.. maybe I just need to be able to see signs of him here... written December 5, 2007.. but still feels like yesterday.

My heart is torn apart right now and I have no place to turn to, so I find myself here.

I just received a phone call that my brother Leonard committed suicide last night.

He fought so many demons over the last 47 years.. and last night the last one won.

He never really got over being rejected as a child, but he put on the bravest front of all of us.

When our mom came back to get us when he was 14 .. he was the only one of us that was strong enough to see that she wasnt going to be there for us even then, and chose to go back into foster homes again.

We all had to grow up so fast, but because he was so much bigger than most boys his age, he had to grow up even faster, so much was expected of him.

He was quiet, gentle, and very solitary. But behind his tough exterior you could see a broken boy, a broken man.

When he finally got married and had his daughter I thought his world had turned around and he would finally enjoy everything that the world and family had to offer....

Then one day, heroin walked into his life... and led him back into the streets. Away from his family, to the "friends" that were bound to help take him down.

He would break away, make a clean start.. only to be drawn right back to the Hell.

This past year, he seemed to be getting it all together again. Got a regular job, bought a van, was fighting to stay clean and seemed to be winning. But he couldnt stay away from the love of a toxic girlfriend.. even though she kept dragging him back down. She was so hurtful. She knew just how to turn the blade and cut him to the quick...

Last night he couldn't go on hurting for another moment. And in keeping with his quiet ways he sat alone in his van with the exhaust piped into the inside and silently went to sleep for the last time.

With no loud cry for help, no pleas to be saved, he ended a life of suffering, of feeling he was alone in this world.

I love you Leonard... I hope you know those weren't only words when I said them. I wish I could have done something, said something, to make your world a better place so you wouldn't leave me here without you.

Leonard Joseph Winkler February 29, 1960 - December 4, 2007

Rest in peace my beloved brother

and then:

Welcome home!

The dark days the overcast skies the floods, winds and biting rain.

The air so thick as to be unbreathable, then as if in a blink of an eye.

The gates open the trumpets blare and the carnival is set to welcome you.

Faces of forgotten friends, relatives waiting with open arms Joy, peace and acceptance for the rest of eternity.

Here are your new clothes You look great in wings. Where have you been? We've missed you so much!