Such a simple word. Four little letters.

Used to describe.. strong like for a variety of things, and situations.

I realize just how much I love.. so many objects, so many people, so many actions.

Sometimes my heart seems so full I don't think it can hold more, than it does.

Yes, love is like shoe shopping. You just can't have enough, there is always room for more.

confessions of a fly

The strands thicken until the fly fears there is no way to escape... with one last strong flutter of its wings it breaks free from what started as such an inviting web.

Even as it starts to fly away, it circles back, drawn by the comfort that was found there.

In the distance, it sees new webs, new fields, new flowers and trees.

It is good to be a fly in this great big world.

Okay, confession time.

I am a democratic, independent, republican.. yes.. I actually vote for the person I think is best for the position, no matter his or her political tag.

I am disappointed when politics comes down to belittling people. Who of us is so perfect that we have a right to judge???? Whether as a joke or mean spirited.. it just doesn't feel right to me. I have made too many mistakes.. for which I am glad I didn't have to publically answer to.

My family is also not perfect.. thankfully I don't have to apologize each day for their actions either.

I believe in God. Yep, what a fraud I have been. I not only believe.. I pray every night. I pray for peace, miracles, comfort and forgiveness... yes, forgiveness for not speaking up. I pray that I am right and there is a heaven, filled with peace, pain free living, and angelic souls.

SL has been an enlightening experiment in my principles. I now know, no matter how nice the people are around me... if I am going against my basic beliefs... it doesn't work for me.

I apologize for not speaking up at the start. I never pretended to be anyone else... or maybe I did, in a silent way. I know I will feel better about me... now that I have stated these things out loud.

Life

Lost in the world
not knowing where
I fit in
Lost in myself
wondering why
I am here
Feeling needed
but unnecessary
loved
but alone
happy
yet sad
smiling
sighing
laughing
crying
life goes on
so will I

Remembering, never forgetting

I am having a hard time the past few days... I don't know why.. but I can't seem to get my brother out of my head, so I went searching through my old blog pages from a previous site and decided to post the following blog(s) here.. maybe it will help.. maybe I just need to be able to see signs of him here... written December 5, 2007.. but still feels like yesterday.

My heart is torn apart right now and I have no place to turn to, so I find myself here.

I just received a phone call that my brother Leonard committed suicide last night.

He fought so many demons over the last 47 years.. and last night the last one won.

He never really got over being rejected as a child, but he put on the bravest front of all of us.

When our mom came back to get us when he was 14 .. he was the only one of us that was strong enough to see that she wasnt going to be there for us even then, and chose to go back into foster homes again.

We all had to grow up so fast, but because he was so much bigger than most boys his age, he had to grow up even faster, so much was expected of him.

He was quiet, gentle, and very solitary. But behind his tough exterior you could see a broken boy, a broken man.

When he finally got married and had his daughter I thought his world had turned around and he would finally enjoy everything that the world and family had to offer....

Then one day, heroin walked into his life... and led him back into the streets. Away from his family, to the "friends" that were bound to help take him down.

He would break away, make a clean start.. only to be drawn right back to the Hell.

This past year, he seemed to be getting it all together again. Got a regular job, bought a van, was fighting to stay clean and seemed to be winning. But he couldnt stay away from the love of a toxic girlfriend.. even though she kept dragging him back down. She was so hurtful. She knew just how to turn the blade and cut him to the quick...

Last night he couldn't go on hurting for another moment. And in keeping with his quiet ways he sat alone in his van with the exhaust piped into the inside and silently went to sleep for the last time.

With no loud cry for help, no pleas to be saved, he ended a life of suffering, of feeling he was alone in this world.

I love you Leonard... I hope you know those weren't only words when I said them. I wish I could have done something, said something, to make your world a better place so you wouldn't leave me here without you.

Leonard Joseph Winkler February 29, 1960 - December 4, 2007

Rest in peace my beloved brother

and then:

Welcome home!

The dark days the overcast skies the floods, winds and biting rain.

The air so thick as to be unbreathable, then as if in a blink of an eye.

The gates open the trumpets blare and the carnival is set to welcome you.

Faces of forgotten friends, relatives waiting with open arms Joy, peace and acceptance for the rest of eternity.

Here are your new clothes You look great in wings. Where have you been? We've missed you so much!

All play and no work....

Breath in... breath out.... relax and let your body feel free to float... you are light as a feather.... you have no cares in the world....

Oh good grief who am I kidding?? lol

Do you ever just feel the need to say NO! I don't want to be an adult today. I don't want to do what I know I am supposed to do. I don't care how many people are relying on me to be there, to do my share (and their's), I don't care.. I don't care.. I don't care...

That is me today. I woke up this morning with an attitude of... me.. me... me.. and I am going to listen to myself for a change.

I may have to start playing the lottery. Work seems so much like.. work. Tomorow I will join the adult crowd again but for today.. I must play.

Flying through life

Funny how, after a short while in sl, I find myself echoing rl and falling into a set routine. It is the opposite of what I wanted when I arrived. After realizing how much fun sl could be, I decided I would have fun... break out of the box, do things I couldn't or wouldn't do in rl...

At first everything was new... but as I got to know people, especially linked to Cafe Wellstone, I found myself drawn into a weekly routine. A fun one, with great people... but.. as a single avatar in a couples kind of crowd... it can sometimes get a little lonely too.

So I have been branching out, exploring, meeting new people, trying new things. I hope my absences don't push me farther and farther to the outside of the group. And in my heart I hope I am missed a little. :)

I worry that I will spread myself too thin. I did that all the way through school... joined every group, hung with every crowd.. and found myself a part of all, friends to all.. but not best friends with anyone.

Maybe that is the way I am destined to live this life.... I don't know.

Ahhhh, a .. day off?

I'm trying to remember when a day off went from.. well, a day off, to just a day without pay.

I suppose it was the moment Amy was born. Sometimes being an adult sure carries more responsibilities then it did when I viewed it as a child. I remember thinking "When I grow up I will never have to do this again!" haha.. good thing I didn't know the real outcome or I might not have been so motivated to get to this point.

I also know that since SL I have had to make goals for myself or nothing gets done around my house. How could I have become hooked so quickly to my little SL world?

Oh , that's right.. I have an addicitve personality.. geez.

So goals... I have to make them now.. "Before you can log on to SL you have to clean the kitchen" or whatever the worst disaster of the day is..

Here I am on Sunday. My only real day off from work all week, and so far I have already cleaned the bathroom, the kitchen, cleaned the litter box, wrapped a fathers day gift, helped Amy with breakfast, her hair and getting dressed, mowed the front lawn and taken a shower... whew... (and all before 9:30am)

almost done.... well, as soon as I run to the store, take Amy by her dad's house to drop off a gift and a hug, and help her with a bath...

Then time for SL.. I need some fun!

kicking back

What an amazing amount of changes my life has gone through (that being my sl life) since I joined in August.

I've gone from bumping into the walls (okay still do that on occasion) to kicking back on my own island paradise. I intend to have a party soon when I can figure out how to fit into the hectic Wellstone schedule.

I have gone from floating on my own to falling in .. umm strong like... to back to floating on my own. Time travels so fast in SL. What feels like forever today, tomorrow is.. well, the past.

No matter what road I choose though... it is .. all fun. Can't wait to start my next new adventure.

So for now.. Let's dance!

No news is not always good news

News... I've always dreaded watching it. All the bad news, all the fluff filler stories over and over.

The other day I was talking to a friend who said she was going to give up watching the news. I can sure understand the concept.. but not watching the news could have cost me my life (and Amy's).

In 1980, I was living in Washington state. Amy had just turned 2. The guy I was dating at the time decided we should take a road trip across the state to visit some friends of his in eastern washington. We spent Friday night there then Saturday headed back for the western side of the state.

It was a beautiful day in May.. the perfect time to be in Washington. As we made our way back we decided to take a little detour and drive to Mt. St. Helen's .. my gosh it was standing up there in the sky so regally just calling to us!

As we got closer to the campground areas we noticed a lot of other people had the same idea we did.. the place was packed! We drove through a couple places that were way too full and finally found a place that we thought.. heck let's just pull over here and sleep and we will drive the rest of the way back tomorrow after we get a chance to play around a little near the recreation area.

I started to get a sleeping area set up for Amy and grabbed a bottle and some formula.. then noticed.. Darn it! that was the last bottle. So, totally bummed we realized we couldn't stay... started the car and headed the rest of the way back to my house.

We got in pretty late, fell asleep and the next day awoke... to a pitch black day. I had never seen anything like it. I stepped out my front door and the whole world was dark like the middle of the night but grey. Not just the sky.. the trees, the ground, the air.. you could not breath without breathing in ... grey! What the heck??? I rechecked the clock and we had actually slept in until like noon.. and yet it was dark.

So I turned on the radio and that is when I heard that Mt. St Helen's had erupted. I guess it had been spitting plumes of smoke and puffs of lava for a while, actually weeks , months... it was just a matter of time.. but since it had taken so long, most people thought it wouldn't happen or at least that it wouldn't happen that soon. (I would have known this had I ever watched the news.)

Where we had been parked.. was devastated.. The whole area for 236 square miles.. was destroyed. Most of the people there.. did get away.. some did not. Would we have... I don't know.
I know where I was living was at the lower end of the river run off area.. and it was horrible, and yet we were hundreds of miles away. I had to tape all the windows and door edges of the house.. because the ash was so fine that it infiltrated everywhere and with Amy's weak lungs she was in extreme danger. We had to wear face masks to leave the house.

I lasted about 1 week living like that.. then I talked my boyfriend into loading all of mine and Amy's stuff (luckily we didn't have much) and driving us to California to move to the high desert where my mom was living at the time. It was horrible trying to drive out of town.. the car started choking up.. we ended up at the auto parts store.. we had a totally ash clogged air filter.. we ended up having to replace it again as we got out of Washington.

I have tried to watch at least the local news since then. I realized it wasn't safe to live in a bubble and that some news is actually good to know.

Mt. St. Helen's erupted Sunday morning somewhere near 8am May 18, 1980.

I am so proud!

What an amazing evening I just had. So much fun.

I have talked a bit about my daughter. She goes to a day program for handicapped adults. The main focus of her group is drama and music. They put on some excellent performances mostly for the local retirement homes... but tonight they did their second big, big performance at a local theater that packs in big name performers.

It was... an outstanding show... and I wanted to share the (okay badly done lol) video I shot with my little camera.

Ladies and gentlemen.. my daughter Amy: