If you could do anything else...

If you could be or do something different than what you are now... Had life handed you a different course... what do you think you would have liked it to be??

This may sound a little odd, but I LOVE tug boats. Not just the cute little one that was in the fairy tales.. although that may be where my love of tug boats came from... but the thought of being in charge of this little boat that has so much power and pull, that without it the big freighters would never be able to make it in and out of the harbors....

Maybe that's part of it too.. the feeling of being so indispensible... of being needed... Well geez.. now all these freudien thoughts are trying to take away the enjoyment of my fantasy... lol nahhh ! I can go down to the harbor and just stare at these sometimes very ugly old tug boats.. and it's like they just call to me.

Of course it would be the Lil Deesue.. and I would fix it up with curtains and comfortable pilot seats... Probably in pinks, so everyone knew it was a girls tug... and I'd always wear pink and white outfits. It would be so cute... but with a kick ass engine in it so that it could pull anything, and if I entered it into a tug boat race, it would blow the other guy's doors off!

Oh my gosh, that would be so great!! Captain Deesue of the Lil Deesue tug lines at your service! Our motto.. "We don't just think we can.. we know we can!!"

How about you?? Got an off the wall wish that hasn't been fulfilled because life took you a different direction?

If the jeans fit.....

I rarely remember my dreams. I sometimes will remember little flashes of one but as soon as I try to tell someone about it, the details just fly out of my brain.

I am guessing this has, partly, to do with the fact that I always have very innocent non-sensical (sp?) dreams. When I say they involve bunnies and skipping in the park I really am not exaggerating... since I gave up watching horror films and got past my childhood "stuff" I have been the queen of non important unassuming dreams.

Last night I dreamt that Russell Simmons (the hip hop record guy, who also has a few lines of clothing) tried all night to help me find the perfect pair of jeans. I was there with one of the ladies that was on "The Next Top Model" and a room full of other girls. He was personally doing all the measurements for each girl, handing them a pair of jeans and sure enough.. each one walked out looking fantastic.. they were perfect!

But for some reason he kept measuring my waist size as 60" and handing me these really baggy, crotch to the knees type, and the pants only hanging to just past my knees. I kept trying to tell him they were way too big and definitely not my style.. that I really wanted a pair that went all the way to my shoes... but he swore "just for me" he would have them altered to fit perfect and that once I saw them done I would love them.

The strange thing is I had to get up twice last night to go to the bathroom (I really need to cut down on the liquids before bed..lol) but when I got back into bed and fell back to sleep... there was Russell Simmons handing me those jeans again..lol.. and every time I tried them on again, no matter how many adjustments were made, they still didn't fit...

I was pretty frustrated by this morning that I still didn't know which pair of jeans were the perfect ones for me. I sure know which ones to avoid though! lol

Hehe.. aren't you all glad I shared that dream with you? Now do you see why it is probably better that I forget the details of most of them? lol

We're here to stay...

You passed us in the store day

We saw you look then glance away

We tried to smile to let you know

we didn't mind we know we're slow

We've learn to walk with heads held high

as people crowd us and loudly sigh

She may be limping but we don't care

and if you'd ask we'd gladly share

The miracles that we face gaily

witnessing the joy that she has daily

You see we never thought she'd walk

the doctors said she'd never talk

We will not leave

We're here to stay

your attitude is wasted on us today.

These words have been written in my mind time and time again over the years I finally decided to put them on paper the other night.

For my daughter Amy. She is my light, my life, my joy, my angel without her my life would not be complete and I would not be the person I am today.

(photo taken about 2 years ago now.. back when I had real short hair)

Another day in paradise.. yep that sums it up..

What a day.. headed into work today to shoot my order for tomorrow, then raced for home with all good intentions of cleaning house.. but... what is this through my windshield?? Sunshine! Ahhhhh.. my world is normal again..



So instead of cleaning I found myself outside and as I sat in my chair staring ahead. listening to the birds... enjoying the splash from my calla lily fountain.... I thought of some of you... cold ... lost in winter... So for a moment... come vacation at my home.

(yep, the top pic is my magnet collection which is outside in my screen room)




relax in a lounge chair... oh and through those swinging doors?? an outdoor shower! and if you have never showered outdoors with the sun beaming down .. omg you don't know what you are missing!



we can barbecue... burgers, hotdogs, chicken and ribs.. yummmyyyy!




then out we go under the mango tree... if its in May... mmmm fresh mango's... but anytime is a good time to play in the backyard.



Oh yeah.... welcome to my little piece of paradise... glad you could visit.. hope you come again..

Who is in charge here?

When I was a child I used to love to lay out on the front lawn and just watch the non-stop activity. Not traffic, not the neighbors, but nature.

I remember one day watching a spider spin a web for hours.. I have always been fascinated by spider webs and their intricacies.. but to actual get to witness this one spider put down its anchor lines... climbing to the top and swinging down right to the area he needed the next line to go to.. time after time after time. Then all the time spent building the lines in between going round and round, so amazing. After that I would always think of that spider, when I accidently walk through a web. Made me feel guilty knowing some spider would have to spend hours rebuilding, because of one uncaring giant.

I also loved to stare for hours at a colony of ants moving from one hill to another. Or seeing a group of them working together to move a big stick along.. or one big dead cricket. Once in a while just to mess with them I would pour a little liquid right in the area they were going, or place a stick in the way just to see them work out how to go around the hazard.

As I caused these deesue made disasters it made me wonder, as I layed there staring at the sky, watching the clouds go by.. if someone else was out there staring down at me watching me stare at the ants or watching the spider.. was that why that sudden little rain storm just "popped up" out of nowhere? Or when I was riding my bike and that medium sized rock was right in my way and I went sprawling onto the gravel... was that some big deesue up there.. manipulating my world for their own amusement?? Was I just a little ant in someone elses world??

When you were a kid.. did you ever think of things like this?

There is no place like....

SL! I swear, without a doubt, I am one of the luckiest people in the world... yes on the whole planet.

How I could have been so lucky to have accidently joined in with the best group of people from the very start... it just.. well, I have no words for how much you all have changed my life.

(okay to a non-SL person, I am sure that sounds ultimately geekified!) but it is so true and I soon learned we are so much more than just avatars in sim settings.

The birthday party thrown in my honor last night, will be etched in my mind all year.

I am kicking myself, over and over, that I was so overwhelmed with all of the attention and emotion that I forgot to click and get a picture. The decorations were amazing, the cake was the cutest of all I have seen thus far! and I received gift after gift all night long.

And now I can officially take that off of my "I have never done this". Yes, it took 50 years and a very special group of friends to finally get my own, very first birthday party. I know that may sound odd to those with normal childhoods and lives.. but yes.. it was my first.

I spent it in tears. You all mean so much to me, and you truly have changed my world in so many ways. Okay, flashback.. I am a sappy lady.. now I am crying again.

A woman's place is in the home!

I challenge you first to think back to the 50's. Back when mom was home night and day, cooking, cleaning, ironing a nice crease in dad's shirt's and making sure each brown bag lunch had the proper balance of nutrition plus that one little sweet treat that you knew was her special recipe (and highly trade worthy).

Children were well behaved, well dressed, knew they were loved and treasured and marriages lasted forever. Everyone knew their place, everyone knew their jobs. Dad's were the bread winners, the disciplinarians and they handled all major decisions. Things were so perfect then!

Then women demanded the right to be part of the work force, started leaving their kids with strangers, started elbowing men out of their rightful positions as the decision makers, the leaders.. even as far up as the government.

Now, 50 years later our world is in an uproar. There is rampant violence, our children are out of control, we have more wars than we have ever had, and it all stems from the emotional impact women have infiltrated into every part of our society.

Our government has the lowest approval rating in history.. can we blame our (just ex'd) president? No way! It is only because he was forced to let women like Condoleesa Rice (backed by a hormone packed bunch of women supporters) make political decisions.

Our justice system is falling apart.. why? Women on the bench as Supreme Court Justices! Our state governments are also falling apart with the emotionalism of the over abundance of female congressional and district chair holders. It is just a matter of time before they vote to change our flag to pink, oystershell and aqua!

Go home ladies, put on your aprons, start that bread to rising and take care of your man... then our world can go back to being the great place it used to be!

okay, okay I am soooo joking! lol (I actually wrote this about a year ago for a writing challenge issued on yahoo.. to write a convincing argument on something you feel the opposite about. I ran across it this morning and it cracked me up so thought I would share it)

Hmmm.. what would YOU have picked to write about?

Happy Birthday!

Fifty

I don't know what I expected I would feel like, look like today. But whatever it was.. I don't.

How can I possibly be 50? I can so clearly remember 15, 20, 30, 40..

Why do I still see that young me in the mirror? Will I always see her? Will I ever see what others see?

Do I want to see that me? Maybe not.

Have I accomplished all I thought I would? No. But I also have not let myself down ..

Without trying to sound egotistical... I am so proud of where I am, what I am, who I am, where I am headed.

Thank you to everyone that has befriended me along the way. I hope I can be, for all of you, what you have been for me.

I can't begin to imagine what the future holds, but I look forward to it!

(Dancing, even by myself, a wonderful way to start a new decade of life.)

Who turned off the heat???

Good grief I am ready to pack up and move to Florida .. it is freezing here!

Yikes! I live in Florida!

What the heck is going on???

It was in the low 30's this morning... so cold I had to wear a turtleneck.. good thing I saved a few from my many years of cold living in Washington state. What a shame that we got rid of all of our coats! Tonight is going to drop even colder..

How am I supposed to get a tan out in the backyard tomorrow?? Oh this is so unfair!

All my poor houseplants live outside in the Florida room... where can I get some plant blankies???

Mother Nature.. what have we done to tick you off? Are you feeling the affects of the economy too? Can't afford to tilt the sun in our direction right now????

It's here! It's here!

omg.. I am so excited for today...

for our future...

I am just red, white and blue from head to toe..

(you will have to trust me on this) lol

let the fun, the future... begin!

Can we really tell?

I have been watching people a lot lately. There are a lot of good people in this world. Although, I do live in the land of vacations and snowbird retirees.. there still seems to be different categories.

There are those who have decided that life does NOT have to be lived in fast motion. That have decided NOT to let each and every action and reaction get to them. That have decided to see the world and their little areas of it with an open mind and heart.

Does this mean they never have a bad day? Never get frustrated, depressed, shocked at what they see being done around them? Absolutely not! But they have made a conscious choice to try to enjoy the days given them.

Then there are the folks that no matter how much is given to them, no matter how fast, how inexpensive, how kind.. they will never truly feel they have gotten what they feel they so justly deserve.

But...

I have also seen something that can make a difference .. sometimes.

Expectations.

I have dealt with so many customers that I thought were darn nice.. maybe a little slower to smile.. but left my department with a courteous thank you and a see ya next time. (Okay some a bit of a quizzical expression and a hmmmm lol) but..

then have another employee come up and say.. "How did you make it through that with them? They are always so rude! I have actually left my area just so I didn't have to deal with them anymore."

So is it that the customer was REALLY always so rude? Or was it that they expected them to be, so they instantly treated them in a demeanor that encouraged exactly what they expected? .. (and got)

I hope as we all go through life and into 2009, that we can try to stop putting people into set categories. If you catch yourself looking at someone saying.. "Look at that expression! What's their problem?" or "Geez how could they walk out of their house dressed like that?"

Try to remember.. someone else could be thinking the same of you on certain days too. And ya know how nice you really are.

Boo Hoo!!!

Child molesters

This is kind of a heavy subject, but I get so angry every time I read in the paper that the only defense a child molester can come up with is "Boo hoo I was molested as a child!" So I....

What? ... Got angry? No...

Hated all controlling people that reminded me of my molester?? No...

Fought back, spoke up and helped others to not end up in the same circumstance that led to my molestation??? No...

Nope, they choose to go out and torture others, to ruin others lives like their's were....

It makes absolutely NO sense to me. If you were supposedly so damaged over it... it should not lead you to perform that act, or worse, on others.

I know the argument about control issues and I know the one about only doing what seems normal due to how you were raised. It's crap.. C..R..A..P...!!

I think a normal reaction is to be afraid. Afraid to be alone in a room with someone, afraid to trust someone, afraid of any person that looks slightly like that person, afraid to let go of those you are in a position to protect, even afraid to deal with your anger at what was done to you.

Or angry, thats a normal reaction! Angry that your childhood innocence was taken away. Angry that those in charge weren't able to notice or to be able to protect you. Angry that you feel like no one else will understand so you just have to hold it all inside...

And sad, because you didn't deserve it. Sad because you just wanted to be loved and were taken advantage of. Sad because... because you have the right to be.

A real and loving person takes these emotions, fear, anger, sadness and keeps them close to their heart, in the forefront of that great big file cabinet we call a brain... and spends the rest of their life making sure that, if there is any question of it happening around them.... should they see anything suspect... should they ever have doubts about the actions of someone around them, around their friends, their kids, their neighbors.... that they act quickly and without questioning to report, to protect, to stand guard over.. to do whatever necessary to keep it from happening to another innocent one in the world.

To those who choose to molest.. I have zero sympathy and think you should be locked away for life on some desert island surrounded by others just as your self. Then you can all sit around the campfire at night and tell boo hoo stories to someone else who cares.

Wednesdays thoughts

I love my job...

I hate my job...

Let it rain!!

Ahhhhh.. days off. Such a needed recharge day. With the job I have, there seems to never be the possibility of having two days off in a row.

I really miss having two days off in a row. So much easier to get things done and recover from the week's work.

But with four deliveries a week and four days before that to order those four deliveries... it is an eight day week smashed into seven days, condensed into 40 hours.

The good news is that I am going into my 50's in better physical shape than I was in my 40's .. or 30's. Suhweet!

I have thought about wearing a pedometer to log the miles I walk in each work day, maybe it is better not to know some things.. hmmmm and lifting boxes and crates of milk and eggs all day long, deep knee bends to stock the lower shelves, stretching to reach the back of the upper shelves (I SWEAR my arms have grown longer since I started this job because I couldn't reach them when I first started and I KNOW I am still only 5'5" tall)...

Who the heck needs a gym membership? Just go to work in a grocery store.

But I ran off target there (if I truly had a direction I was headed) okay.. truth be told.. I never know what I am going to type until my fingers start moving.

But I do know... after only having to work 90 minutes this morning to place tomorrow's delivery...

I cleaned the house, swept the floors, cleaned out the drain in my daughters bathtub (yuck) washed the sheets on both of our beds and ... then took a two hour nap....

Ahhhhhh days off.. a much needed recharge. Now it's time to head to SL to play.

Oh wait... rumor has it it may rain this afternoon... (my well water is horrible and has to be treated with salt so I can't use it for anything but showering) and my baby bird needs a much needed bath.... oh well, I shall play until it rains!

Yes, that is baby bird in the pic above. We love to fly down the road! (Of course by fly I mean ahem,, drive the speed limit) Honest officer.. I was looking at my speedometer when I went past you.. your radar gun must be wayyyy off!

On the Outside

On the outside .. looking in.

I feel this describes most of my life. Sadly, it seems to carry over to SL.

I have met some really great people.... but I feel like such an observer.

Just not feeling like I fit in.

So I find myself dancing alone more and more....

Never... Ever

Since I am almost 50 years old ... I thought I would list 50 things I still have never done.... how many of these have you never??

Who is as lacking as I am????

I have never:

01. pole danced
02. gotten a traffic ticket
03. eaten lamb
04. gotten a tattoo
05. had to wear a cast
06. changed the oil in a car
07. had a pedicure
08. been to Hawaii
09. been to a New Year's party
10. changed a tire
11. ridden a donkey
12. gone scuba diving
13. parallel parked a car
14. been ice skating (does Sl count?)
15. had a housewarming party
16. eaten black eyed peas
17. gone water or snow skiing
18. been on a snowmobile
19. removed hair by using wax
20. been on a trampoline
21. been to a hockey game
22. had a massage
23. gone on a cruise
24. had a passport
25. been driving during a car accident
26. played football
27. called a foreign country
28. had the mumps
29. belly danced
30. eaten sushi
31. had the chicken pox
32. learned a foreign language
33. used call holding/waiting on my cell phone
34. had a glamour shots photo done
35. seen the Chippendale dancers or any other strip dancers
36. been a brides maid
37. owned a raincoat
38. crimped my hair
39. cleaned the gutters on a house
40. been chosen for jury duty
41. ridden on a parade float
42. shot a rifle or hand gun
43. been to an opera
44. had a martini
45. eaten a crumpet
46. line danced
47. sang karaoke
48. done a jello shot
49. gone to a costume party
50. played tennis

Geez, some of these are so do-able.. why are they still on my never list??

So, I am curious... You don't have to tell me which ones... just tell me, in the comments section, how many of these nevers are nevers for you too.

The Ride of My Life....

I listed "carnival worker" in my list of jobs and Tammy wanted to know a bit more about it.. hmmm

I think, for the most part, I have led a semi boring life, laced with weeks and months of fun and excitement. It's those times, that I have to look back on that remind me... gosh, if Amy hadn't come along when she did... (well.. maybe I should just leave that as an open sentence.. lol)

When I was 18, I was living in a nice little duplex apartment, had a job at the local supermarket (which I hated because the owner literally chased me from aisle to aisle.. dang old married pervert) I had a nice boyfriend and thought things were going really well. Then Gary the nice boyfriend did the unthinkable... he started talking marriage and settling down. Now, you have to take in to consideration that this was in 1977.. settling down was so... throw back, so .. your parents.. heck we were already living together, why ruin a good thing with some crazy ceremony and committment papers?!

So I did what I was most famous for doing.. I started to pull away. Started spending more time with my girlfriends. One weekend the local county fair was going on. You know the type... FHA kids showing their farm animals in one area, grandmas getting prizes for their quilts and secret recipe apple pies in another area and the draw for the teenagers, the carnival midway on the far end.

Judy and I made big plans to have the time of our life. We rode every ride (most free of charge!) and ended up meeting a couple of the carnival ride workers. It was the last night the fair was in town.. so they guaranteed us a huge party once the fireworks show had ended, while all the rides were being dismantled and everything was being loaded in to the semi's to move onto the next town.

I found myself buddied up with "Blondie" the guy who ran the ferris wheel while my girlfriend paired up with "Tiny" the tilt-a-whirl operator. Dang these guys could party! The whole carnie crew were party animals... it was an 18 year old "Boy, could I turn into an alcoholic real easy"s dream come true!

Then Blondie came up with this brilliant plan, talked to the owner of the Amusement Rides and the next thing I know, I was guaranteed a job in the ticket booth with a salary of $125.00 a week and all the "walks" I could keep. Poor Judy only landed a job working the dime toss game... but when the fair left town early that morning... I was sitting in the semi pulling the ferris wheel...

Hmmmmm.. Gary who? Geez.. I was rotten back then! I did call from the next town and told him where I was.. and told him I wouldn't be back. I sent one of my friends to get my stuff from the duplex and put it in a storage unit for my return someday. (I will have to tell you another story about how I lost my best friend Suzy because of this storage unit another time)

The next 4 weeks until the carnival closed down for end of season is a non-stop blur of fair working, ride constructing, and deconstructing, traveling, walking the midway, learning all the games and non-stop parties all night every night. (although I gave up the heavy drinking after the first 2 weeks) How I didn't die of alcohol poison in that short time I will never know. Between what we drank straight out of the bottle and all the extras like the watermelons filled with fifths of vodka that marinated half the day.... ewww I shudder to even think about it now.

I made a fortune in a couple towns on those "walks" I was offered. For those unaware of this term... when someone comes to the ticket booth and orders say an $8.00 book of tickets and hands you a twenty... then gets distracted by all the kids pulling them in 6 different directions, they are known quite often to "walk" away and forget to get their change. I always knew who did and if they returned I gave them their change.. but it was rare they would return... most days I made more than my weekly salary in walks..

I made some terrific friends among those carnies. Most towns people hated us all, but some truer people I have never found.. granted most of us were running from something.. whether it was family, relationships, the law, or just themselves... we all had ghosts..

My girlfriend Judy only lasted for a couple weeks and then she headed back home, but I traveled with the carnival until they hit the winter storage area. (By then Blondie was also known as Lenny) .. one week after we left the carnival and drove off he would be called my husband and three months after that he would be known as that jerk I was stupid enough to marry... lol

Would I have been better off staying home and marrying Gary?? Nahhh look at all the fun and memories I would have missed!

Ok... I can't be the only one to do something crazy like this am I??

Paying Jobs I have held

I saw a few of you had done a tagged blog of paying jobs you have had so far.

Hmmm.. can I remember them all?

Scorekeeper for Professional Bowling Association playoff games held in Boise ID (so fun)

babysitter (not a good one... lock up your booze! Hide your baby food desserts lol)

Apartment assistant manager and then manager

McDonalds .. never did any job great there lol

stock clerk for Wigwam department store

Ticket booth worker for traveling carnival (Slept under the ferris wheel most nights)

cashier at Liberty Market (ran from lecherous store owner most days)

Maid for Motel 6 (people left a LOT of drugs behind!)

waitress at Copper Kettle, The Pit (it was), and The Steak Out

Maid at the Mapes Hotel in Reno, NV

manager at The Pizza Chalet

Store Clerk at a Liquor Store

Co-owner of The Clean Up Crew (new construction detailing)

Receptionist and sales person for restaurant equipment sales company

Receptionist, owner and wearer of all hats for a restaurant equipment repair company (12 years)

cashier, stock clerk, frozen food dept associate, and now dairy/frozen food manager for Winn-Dixie Marketplace

and to think.. somewhere along the way, I managed to be unemployed for about 15 years in between all of that while I raised Amy... played nurse, physical therapist, home taught for 2-1/2 years and raised most of the neighbors kids lol

I kind of hope the list doesn't get much longer... did I mention I have received TWO invitations to join AARP this week??? Who put out the word that I am getting old????? lol