The holidays suck.
I thought I wasn't going to be alone this year.
Trapped in all this Christmas cheer.
I keep trying to participate, to enjoy.
I hate you for doing this to me.
For leaving me alone.
I hate that I hate you.
I wish you had never come into my life
then I wouldn't have been reminded
of what I'm missing.
I've asked for forgiveness ..
for hating you.
Each day I hate you again.
And each day my heart aches,
not for losing you,
but for being alone.
It's hard to be alone in a crowd
especially at the holidays.
I wish you loneliness,
deep empty sadness,
because that is what you gave me for Christmas.

Age

How is it that I let this thought get away from me?

Thankfully I am surrounded by the smartest people on the planet.

Hello, life.. I'm back.

Solitude

 

 

He walked the streets .. tired. He was not unhappy, but those who saw him could see how hard life had been on him. The lines on his face, his worn crippled hands, his tattered clothes, the slow pace of age worn legs.

Each day he waited in line at the shelter, knowing there would be a free hot meal waiting on the other side of the walls. The people there only asked that he sat in a church pew and listened to their words for a bit, then he could quickly eat the meal handed him.

The directors were kind. Most nights a cot was offered to him and he knew he could stay in the safety of the shelter, but each night he quietly shook his head and headed out the back door and down the alley.

His eyes darting back and forth to make sure he wasnt followed as he ducked low and crawled beneath the old bridge deep inside the forgotten garden of the once popular but now neglected cemetary.

Lifting the flap of the large refrigerator box that was now his home, he settled into the worn blankets. His body rocking back and forth to chase off the cold of the night.

It wasn't long before his eyes closed and he drifted off to sleep. Dreaming most nights of the friends and family he had left behind. Flashes of sad eyes, beckoning fingers, calls for him to come home.

Each morning he would awake, shake off those feelings and sit and listen to the birds, calling to one another, relaying messages. He would stay most of the day in or near his home. Being one with the solitude.

He knew most didnt understand his choice to live this way, he couldnt explain it even if he tried, which he never did, but for the first time in all of his living years the voices were quiet and he was finally at peace.

These were the times he smiled. When no one was around to see.

Have you seen.. whats her name?

I may not be around much for a bit. A few days.. I dont know. It just seems so much as happened lately and to be honest I'm confused about.. everything. I don't know what I feel about anything anymore. At this point it is all too much to take in, so I am choosing the only thing I know to do and that is to back away and hide for a while.

I have let Second Life .. be my life for some time now. It was a safe path away from real life that has not always been good to me. So I made my fantasy world where all things can be good and happy and perfect. But now I see that Second Life is the same.

I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to hurt.. anyone, including myself. And maybe in living in this pretend world I have done just that. I stopped living at all in the real world.

So, I'm going to stop and try to reconnect at least in small ways, to this real life I have... had... wished I had.

Maybe if I put even a small amount of time into it I can find whatever it is.. I'm missing. because I have lost a spark, a flame, a fire that you need in this life to want to get up every morning.

If nothing else, at least I will have known I tried.

Not saying I may not log on. Just know I may not be.. as available as I have been. All of the things happening lately have just made me really stop and wonder what I am doing.. in so many areas of my life. So I need to take a closer look, through only my own eyes.

Lies

My whole life is lies.

I am not a whole person. I am bits and pieces glued together with lousy glue. A little bit of heat, a little bit of cold, a little bit of anything and the pieces come apart again.

I keep trying to patch me together, but with anything broken, each time I'm repaired I become more and more fragile.

I'm sorry I let people down again. Lying, pretending to have answers for their problems when I have struggled all these years to find my own.

I wish I could be what I have pretended to be. I'm sorry I lied about what I am. I am not strong, I am not wise, I am not a success.. in any way.

Out of the darkness comes..

Sometimes the emotions of the world around me, can consume me. Eat at my soul until I can't see anything but the black. I feel completely, I feel deep. A part of me wishes I didn't, that I could pretend things are okay, turn a blind eye, shrug my shoulders and walk on. But it seems God made me to be a well.. A deep place for all my things to come hide, to reside until they feel safe to venture out on their own.

I think I'm pretty good at putting on a happy face. I'm really not sad all the time. Well, maybe I am but it is deep inside. The surface is happy and maybe we aren't supposed to find the inner core so often.. just maybe that is why it is hidden so far down.

I do know that the sadness I carry, makes me appreciate the happiness I can also feel. No, I'm not going to break out in a verse of "This little light of mine...." well darn it .. I guess I did but I didn't mean to.. laughs.. but it's true...

The brightest stars in the world aren't on a stage.. they are those of us that have been trapped in the dark. Sometimes over and over again, to occasionally break through as a symbol of hope, a sign of joy, a map for those still lost and trying to find their way.

Please don't make me ride this ride

I walk to the ride, knowing I don't want to be there, forced to get on. I put on a smile and pretend to be excited. My friends and family all believe me. I make all the right motions, say all the right words.. after pretending for so long, I know what they want to hear to not have any doubts. I've done it for so long that even I believe me sometimes.

For moments I convince myself I really do want to be on this ride. My heart starts to get excited. I catch myself smiling.. I grip the safety bar for added assurance and for minutes at a time.. I am so happy.

The climb to the top is exhilarating. I never want it to end.. I am so happy.. no don't! don't reach the top.. let's stay right here I want to scream. Then we are at the top and I know what is next.. the descent,, the long, long fall.. that quickly takes away all my joy, all my faith, my strength, my confidence.

Please dear God in heaven. just leave me down here. stop this ride now.. don't make me climb back up.. I cant take it anymore. Not another climb! Please not another climb.. but the ride continues.. breaking me down farther and farther as it goes along. I try to hide my face. Only letting others see me as I climb.. if only I could stop reaching the top. If only..

Recurring Dreams

I stand in the middle of a huge arena. A skating rink maybe.. all I know is it round, with highly polished floors, slippery. I have a ball.. like a bowling ball but with no holes.

No one is there to tell me the rules but somehow I know I need to get this ball to the side.
The floor is flat, it looks so easy. I roll the ball as hard as I can but no matter what.. before it can reach the edge.. it rolls back to me. Over and over I try.

Sometimes it gets so close I start to celebrate, then there that damn ball is right by my feet again. Sometimes even though I push it hard it only rolls a few feet then comes rushing back to me. Over and over all night.. I wake up frustrated..

I dream this dream over and over for most of the years of my childhood. Every  once in a while it sneaks into my adulthood.. exactly the same.. and never any success.

What does it mean and why can I never get completely rid of it.. sighs. I'm so glad, for the most part I forget what I've dreamt as soon as I wake up.

I want to

Tears well
in my eyes
My heart
aches
for trust
taken
I can't
evolve.
Arms open
to me
I can't
enjoy
I want to.
Fear rules
my life
I can't
forgive
I need to.
See me
broken
I can't
forget
I don't
know why.

The touch

You...
trust me to not let you down
love me no matter what
believe me in all things
light up my world.

Without you..
my world has no meaning
I would not be who I am
I would not exist

With...
one smile in your sleep
one touch of your hand

It begins with a single step

I have never had a problem with failing at things. There are a lot of things I am flat out NOT good at, and I'm okay with that. Most times. Sure I would like to be as skilled as others around me, but if the world didn't have spectators.. who would the talented people perform for?? Ah yes, life makes a place for each of us.

Throughout this journey of living, I have found a way to be happy with what has been handed me.. no matter how meager it has been at times.

It is so darned easy to see the things around me that can be adjusted, tweaked, shined, lifted up, coddled, and sometimes replaced to make things better.

Trying to find the key to my own inner peace has been the biggest challenge lately. Somewhere along the line I stopped looking from within and made the mistake of thinking others would hold that key.

No doubt in my mind we need others to help us along the way, but only we can answer those voices from within. Only we can feed our souls. Only we can make the changes we need to get ourselves pointed back in the right direction.

Some of the sounds within me are muffled right now, and maybe that's a good thing. New journeys come from reinvention. I've always loved to move.. physically and spiritually.. a time to start fresh and clean.

I wonder what lies ahead? I'm ready to find out.

1 + 2 = Lucky Me

I'm a train wreck at times.. no doubt about it.

All my life I've been alone to fend for myself..

Until now.

See those two crazy ladies I got my arms around up there??

Keiki and Angi.. the two best things to ever happen to me...

How they see past my faults, I havent a clue, but they do.

These two never let me go, no matter how bad I get

and somehow they see in me something I don't.

Hope some day I can be what they see.. until then..

Angi and Keiki.. I love ya ladies.. we are a hell of a threesome.

(was gonna title this "the best threesome ever" but didnt want the hits that title would bring lol)

You're not enough

look at them,
how they succeed
why cant you
be like them
go back in your shell
like a turtle

the world isn't
a good place
for the likes of you
you're not enough
they all know
you should too

Sometimes the best reaction is none

 

Here I am back at this site again. Why?

Easy. you don't talk back. I can say what I want without someone responding. Without seeing a sad face, a disappointed look, a smile when I don't want to see one. The safety of non-reaction.

Yes, that is why I blog.

It has been almost 5 years now since my daughter lost her sight. My life changed then. It has never been the same. I have never been the same. It was more than just her losing her sight (which was astronomical) .. it was the days that I lost faith, lost hope.. that, somehow, no matter what we went through it would all be okay.

Did our life go on? Do we live an okay life? Do we love each other with all our hearts? Yes.

Can I ever look at a problem now and see anything but the worst outcome? No.. and it has changed me.

I wish I had someone to turn to.. to just .. be there.. but I cant, because I cant be real with anyone ever again. I need the safety of non-reaction.

Re-reads what she wrote.. posts and returns the smile to her face, walking back into the world to be what everyone expects her to be.. *whispers* I will see you again soon. there is so much I need to be able to say.