I walk to the ride, knowing I don't want to be there, forced to get on. I put on a smile and pretend to be excited. My friends and family all believe me. I make all the right motions, say all the right words.. after pretending for so long, I know what they want to hear to not have any doubts. I've done it for so long that even I believe me sometimes.
For moments I convince myself I really do want to be on this ride. My heart starts to get excited. I catch myself smiling.. I grip the safety bar for added assurance and for minutes at a time.. I am so happy.
The climb to the top is exhilarating. I never want it to end.. I am so happy.. no don't! don't reach the top.. let's stay right here I want to scream. Then we are at the top and I know what is next.. the descent,, the long, long fall.. that quickly takes away all my joy, all my faith, my strength, my confidence.
Please dear God in heaven. just leave me down here. stop this ride now.. don't make me climb back up.. I cant take it anymore. Not another climb! Please not another climb.. but the ride continues.. breaking me down farther and farther as it goes along. I try to hide my face. Only letting others see me as I climb.. if only I could stop reaching the top. If only..