Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Sometimes the best reaction is none

Here I am back at this site again. Why?

Easy. you don't talk back. I can say what I want without someone responding. Without seeing a sad face, a disappointed look, a smile when I don't want to see one. The safety of non-reaction.

Yes, that is why I blog.

It has been almost 5 years now since my daughter lost her sight. My life changed then. It has never been the same. I have never been the same. It was more than just her losing her sight (which was astronomical) .. it was the days that I lost faith, lost hope.. that, somehow, no matter what we went through it would all be okay.

Did our life go on? Do we live an okay life? Do we love each other with all our hearts? Yes.

Can I ever look at a problem now and see anything but the worst outcome? No.. and it has changed me.

I wish I had someone to turn to.. to just .. be there.. but I cant, because I cant be real with anyone ever again. I need the safety of non-reaction.

Re-reads what she wrote.. posts and returns the smile to her face, walking back into the world to be what everyone expects her to be.. *whispers* I will see you again soon. there is so much I need to be able to say.


Angi said...

I can't pretend I even understand what you have been through. I can tell you that I've been so blessed to have you in my life. To see what a good parent is.

I always think about when we were talking about your beautiful daughter, and you said you could never put her in a home, and talked about how it would kill you just to see her wearing the same hair style everyday. I know you had a bunch of reasons, but that detail just struck me as just how much you love your daughter. How much you think of the little things. Something so small, but just as important as anything else. I love that about you. You see the small things, maybe something someone wouldn't see or notice.

I look at you because I think you are such an amazing woman. You are inspirational. I watch what an amazing parent you are, and I strive to be the same.

deesue said...

dang it angi.. you're gonna make me cry with comments like that