Have you seen.. whats her name?

I may not be around much for a bit. A few days.. I dont know. It just seems so much as happened lately and to be honest I'm confused about.. everything. I don't know what I feel about anything anymore. At this point it is all too much to take in, so I am choosing the only thing I know to do and that is to back away and hide for a while.

I have let Second Life .. be my life for some time now. It was a safe path away from real life that has not always been good to me. So I made my fantasy world where all things can be good and happy and perfect. But now I see that Second Life is the same.

I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to hurt.. anyone, including myself. And maybe in living in this pretend world I have done just that. I stopped living at all in the real world.

So, I'm going to stop and try to reconnect at least in small ways, to this real life I have... had... wished I had.

Maybe if I put even a small amount of time into it I can find whatever it is.. I'm missing. because I have lost a spark, a flame, a fire that you need in this life to want to get up every morning.

If nothing else, at least I will have known I tried.

Not saying I may not log on. Just know I may not be.. as available as I have been. All of the things happening lately have just made me really stop and wonder what I am doing.. in so many areas of my life. So I need to take a closer look, through only my own eyes.

Lies

My whole life is lies.

I am not a whole person. I am bits and pieces glued together with lousy glue. A little bit of heat, a little bit of cold, a little bit of anything and the pieces come apart again.

I keep trying to patch me together, but with anything broken, each time I'm repaired I become more and more fragile.

I'm sorry I let people down again. Lying, pretending to have answers for their problems when I have struggled all these years to find my own.

I wish I could be what I have pretended to be. I'm sorry I lied about what I am. I am not strong, I am not wise, I am not a success.. in any way.

Out of the darkness comes..

Sometimes the emotions of the world around me, can consume me. Eat at my soul until I can't see anything but the black. I feel completely, I feel deep. A part of me wishes I didn't, that I could pretend things are okay, turn a blind eye, shrug my shoulders and walk on. But it seems God made me to be a well.. A deep place for all my things to come hide, to reside until they feel safe to venture out on their own.

I think I'm pretty good at putting on a happy face. I'm really not sad all the time. Well, maybe I am but it is deep inside. The surface is happy and maybe we aren't supposed to find the inner core so often.. just maybe that is why it is hidden so far down.

I do know that the sadness I carry, makes me appreciate the happiness I can also feel. No, I'm not going to break out in a verse of "This little light of mine...." well darn it .. I guess I did but I didn't mean to.. laughs.. but it's true...

The brightest stars in the world aren't on a stage.. they are those of us that have been trapped in the dark. Sometimes over and over again, to occasionally break through as a symbol of hope, a sign of joy, a map for those still lost and trying to find their way.

Please don't make me ride this ride

I walk to the ride, knowing I don't want to be there, forced to get on. I put on a smile and pretend to be excited. My friends and family all believe me. I make all the right motions, say all the right words.. after pretending for so long, I know what they want to hear to not have any doubts. I've done it for so long that even I believe me sometimes.

For moments I convince myself I really do want to be on this ride. My heart starts to get excited. I catch myself smiling.. I grip the safety bar for added assurance and for minutes at a time.. I am so happy.

The climb to the top is exhilarating. I never want it to end.. I am so happy.. no don't! don't reach the top.. let's stay right here I want to scream. Then we are at the top and I know what is next.. the descent,, the long, long fall.. that quickly takes away all my joy, all my faith, my strength, my confidence.

Please dear God in heaven. just leave me down here. stop this ride now.. don't make me climb back up.. I cant take it anymore. Not another climb! Please not another climb.. but the ride continues.. breaking me down farther and farther as it goes along. I try to hide my face. Only letting others see me as I climb.. if only I could stop reaching the top. If only..