Thank you Life

Do you ever stop to wonder..

why does one person live while another person dies?

There doesn't seem to be a logic to it... but ..

there is a pattern .. a rhyme to this universe, an ebb, a flow..

which makes me think in the bigger scheme

there IS a reason to it all.

The age old question unanswered..

Why am I here? What is my purpose?

I don't think anything in this life happens accidently

I am here for some reason..

You are here for some reason..

and it seems to be okay, maybe even pre-destined

that we don't know why.

I do know that I am thankful

to be a chosen one to participate

in this crazy game called life.

My solitary life

I'm keeping you at arms length

it's where you have to be

I can no longer make excuses

for just being me.

I've tried to keep "me" secret
I've tried to say the truth
neither works to save a heart
abandoned in its youth.

It will not ever matter
how perfect you may be
the problem lies with
the person that is me.

I can't continue hurting
the people who reach out
there is no way to fix me
on that I have no doubt.

So please except my smile
or handshake that I give
it's all I have to offer
it's how I have to live.

I'm really not unhappy
I'm really not so sad
I'm just alone as always
it's really not so bad.

God made me strong
right from the start
then I built the walls
that protect my heart.

Why??

How can you expect me to keep positive when all you throw me is frayed ropes with no chance of lasting??

What have I done to cause this??

Why??

I have tried all my life ..

Why do you continue to test me??

Why??

I don't deserve this! Amy doesn't deserve this!

Why??

I don't understand why you keeping raising my hopes.. then just let me fall.

Why??

I am enough

There is only one

who shouldn't let you down,

it is yourself.

You owe you

not anyone else.

I know that now

and will not rely on others

for what I have inside to give.

They all disappear

I sit in the quiet
only the sound of the ceiling fan
the breeze feels nice
it's too hot to sleep
and yet I know I should be.

I made the mistake
of looking at my sisters facebook page.
I know better.

A reminder of a life
so different from the one I live.
And so separate from mine.
.
I remember for a short time thinking
I had met my best friend
linked by blood.

How quickly things change.
How fast people appear and disappear
from our lives, from my life.

Sigh.. I have to get up in five hours.
Please let her not be in my dreams.
Family .. it means nothing but sadness.
Closes off my world again.

I Believe

Trust

Faith

Hope

Love

Honor

Truth

Joy

I believe in you

She entered my life with laughter
I recognized the ploy
of being entertaining
to cover the hurt.

In her I see so much of me.
Childhood trauma
a life of insecurity
that damn scars only you see
screaming I'm not worthy
when the world sees how truly amazing you are.

So many years later
we are still one
we are still the same
All the ribbons, kudos and degrees
can't erase the past can they?

If I could give you one thing my friend
it would be that you see you
as you see me.
We are the awesome..
we just have to believe.

I love you Angi
(You are the little sis my mom should have had)

The reflection

She sat in a chair
with a smile on her face.
The thought crossed her mind
to wonder why.

But she pushed it aside
and just enjoyed the moment
for what it was.

Sometimes in life
it's best not to look for details
sometimes it's just enough
to know it's there.

Whether it lasts
or is just a fleeting glimpse
of something unseen for so long.

She knew it felt good
and that was all that mattered.
She sipped from her cup
and enjoyed being herself.

Sighs.. I was challenged to write something happy here.. and I have searched for two days to find that happy center that I have to draw from to put pen to paper.

I know, in my lifetime of 55 years, there have been happy moments. 

I can't find a single one that isn't surrounded with a sad or a hurt.

It is as if I am not meant to retain those happy times.

They are like fleeting thoughts of.. "Oh there is one.. uh no. hmm"

With each happy moment came a price, an after effect, a crushing fall.

I do not look at my life as sad, or unsuccessful, but there is a reason I have not been able to sit and write my life story. I only have one view point. It is a book I would not want to read. A story that isn't meant to be told. A life better taken in small doses.

So I must admit my failure to meet this challenge. For now.

Broken

I called out
you didn't hear
the pain hidden
by a smile

I cant tell
the fear I hide
even I don't know
where it is

I need help
push it away
scream in silence
hope you know

the broken doll
left all alone
calls for you
no words heard

It's not JUST a name

Niggers! Kikes! Wops!

Yeah there was a time these names were all part of the regular language.. a punch line in a joke.. even if it bothered you.. You kept your mouth closed and pretended to go along so you wouldn't look "uncool"

Then one day people found their voice and said HEY! Knock it off!! .. and now to use these is totally unacceptable..

But.. did we learn anything?

How many of you have used the term "short bus" "window-licker" "retard" "special" lately.. and got a big laugh from the crowd??

I can answer that.. a lot of you. And I know you aren't mean people.. it's just the new cool slam.. the easy target for a punch line, because let's face it, they aren't standing there to defend themselves to speak up and say HEY!

Please think twice before you do it again.. it hurts. It hurts some of us real bad. There has to be a better way to be funny then to slam those that can't always speak up for themselves.. isn't there???

Sorry but I just couldn't hold it in any longer.