Sunday, December 28, 2008

It is so hard being a parent sometimes

Sometimes I wonder how some make it through life so easily. Did they live a really hard life in another time and this time around got to take it easy? Or are some of us just meant to have to handle more....

My whole life has been an uphill battle with bouts of quicksand... just to test me, to make sure I can keep climbing... and I have always been able to.

When it is about me, there really isn't anything I can't handle. But when it is about my kiddo.. omg..

How much more can she be put through??? How much more will I have to learn to bare with her? What affects her affects me, so much worse than if it were happening to me. Being a mom, being a parent, can be such a trial.

It has been over six months now.. since.. well, since we started this latest .... test. In this six months we have learned to adapt, in some ways, and yet I still cry .. for what was lost.. for what will never be... for all the things we didn't get to do.... and I feel so selfish. She is the one that really has to deal with it all and she is doing it with a smile...

How, how did I get so lucky to get this angel? Is she part of my prize for living such a tough life?

When she started falling, hurting herself with every step in May... I would never have guessed just how much our lives would change. As her sight turned to grey... we held out so much hope for a miracle. We had the best hospital, the best eye surgeon, the highest confidence...

As we waited for surgery.. we did as we always do... we joked, we laughed, we comforted others that waited for their surgeries... confident in the miracle of technology. Amy thought I was crazy taking so many pictures, but I flashed pic after pic, as she changed into her little purple gown. "Let's get a picture of the two of us together" I said. She, being herself, said "don't take a picture of your fingers mom"... and sure enough.. we posed... I held the camera up .. hit the button and ... took a pic of my hand. darn camera was backward.... so the real picture was this one of us laughing at my photo talents... See those two ladies? Yes, that is us... as we are.. happy. We try to not let a day go by without laughter.

But, this next pic makes me cry everytime....

you see that is the last picture before she went into surgery. "Don't worry mom, it will all be alright" the last time she was ever able to see my face.... she never saw again.

All those things I put off.. thinking we had so many more years.. all the things we didn't do and see... please... don't put things off with those you love.. you just never know!

But she was right... it will be alright... I just wish I could stop crying over what was... I wish I was as tough as Amy is.

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