Life

Lost in the world
not knowing where
I fit in
Lost in myself
wondering why
I am here
Feeling needed
but unnecessary
loved
but alone
happy
yet sad
smiling
sighing
laughing
crying
life goes on
so will I

Remembering, never forgetting

I am having a hard time the past few days... I don't know why.. but I can't seem to get my brother out of my head, so I went searching through my old blog pages from a previous site and decided to post the following blog(s) here.. maybe it will help.. maybe I just need to be able to see signs of him here... written December 5, 2007.. but still feels like yesterday.

My heart is torn apart right now and I have no place to turn to, so I find myself here.

I just received a phone call that my brother Leonard committed suicide last night.

He fought so many demons over the last 47 years.. and last night the last one won.

He never really got over being rejected as a child, but he put on the bravest front of all of us.

When our mom came back to get us when he was 14 .. he was the only one of us that was strong enough to see that she wasnt going to be there for us even then, and chose to go back into foster homes again.

We all had to grow up so fast, but because he was so much bigger than most boys his age, he had to grow up even faster, so much was expected of him.

He was quiet, gentle, and very solitary. But behind his tough exterior you could see a broken boy, a broken man.

When he finally got married and had his daughter I thought his world had turned around and he would finally enjoy everything that the world and family had to offer....

Then one day, heroin walked into his life... and led him back into the streets. Away from his family, to the "friends" that were bound to help take him down.

He would break away, make a clean start.. only to be drawn right back to the Hell.

This past year, he seemed to be getting it all together again. Got a regular job, bought a van, was fighting to stay clean and seemed to be winning. But he couldnt stay away from the love of a toxic girlfriend.. even though she kept dragging him back down. She was so hurtful. She knew just how to turn the blade and cut him to the quick...

Last night he couldn't go on hurting for another moment. And in keeping with his quiet ways he sat alone in his van with the exhaust piped into the inside and silently went to sleep for the last time.

With no loud cry for help, no pleas to be saved, he ended a life of suffering, of feeling he was alone in this world.

I love you Leonard... I hope you know those weren't only words when I said them. I wish I could have done something, said something, to make your world a better place so you wouldn't leave me here without you.

Leonard Joseph Winkler February 29, 1960 - December 4, 2007

Rest in peace my beloved brother

and then:

Welcome home!

The dark days the overcast skies the floods, winds and biting rain.

The air so thick as to be unbreathable, then as if in a blink of an eye.

The gates open the trumpets blare and the carnival is set to welcome you.

Faces of forgotten friends, relatives waiting with open arms Joy, peace and acceptance for the rest of eternity.

Here are your new clothes You look great in wings. Where have you been? We've missed you so much!

All play and no work....

Breath in... breath out.... relax and let your body feel free to float... you are light as a feather.... you have no cares in the world....

Oh good grief who am I kidding?? lol

Do you ever just feel the need to say NO! I don't want to be an adult today. I don't want to do what I know I am supposed to do. I don't care how many people are relying on me to be there, to do my share (and their's), I don't care.. I don't care.. I don't care...

That is me today. I woke up this morning with an attitude of... me.. me... me.. and I am going to listen to myself for a change.

I may have to start playing the lottery. Work seems so much like.. work. Tomorow I will join the adult crowd again but for today.. I must play.

Flying through life

Funny how, after a short while in sl, I find myself echoing rl and falling into a set routine. It is the opposite of what I wanted when I arrived. After realizing how much fun sl could be, I decided I would have fun... break out of the box, do things I couldn't or wouldn't do in rl...

At first everything was new... but as I got to know people, especially linked to Cafe Wellstone, I found myself drawn into a weekly routine. A fun one, with great people... but.. as a single avatar in a couples kind of crowd... it can sometimes get a little lonely too.

So I have been branching out, exploring, meeting new people, trying new things. I hope my absences don't push me farther and farther to the outside of the group. And in my heart I hope I am missed a little. :)

I worry that I will spread myself too thin. I did that all the way through school... joined every group, hung with every crowd.. and found myself a part of all, friends to all.. but not best friends with anyone.

Maybe that is the way I am destined to live this life.... I don't know.