They all disappear

I sit in the quiet
only the sound of the ceiling fan
the breeze feels nice
it's too hot to sleep
and yet I know I should be.

I made the mistake
of looking at my sisters facebook page.
I know better.

A reminder of a life
so different from the one I live.
And so separate from mine.
.
I remember for a short time thinking
I had met my best friend
linked by blood.

How quickly things change.
How fast people appear and disappear
from our lives, from my life.

Sigh.. I have to get up in five hours.
Please let her not be in my dreams.
Family .. it means nothing but sadness.
Closes off my world again.

I Believe

Trust

Faith

Hope

Love

Honor

Truth

Joy

I believe in you

She entered my life with laughter
I recognized the ploy
of being entertaining
to cover the hurt.

In her I see so much of me.
Childhood trauma
a life of insecurity
that damn scars only you see
screaming I'm not worthy
when the world sees how truly amazing you are.

So many years later
we are still one
we are still the same
All the ribbons, kudos and degrees
can't erase the past can they?

If I could give you one thing my friend
it would be that you see you
as you see me.
We are the awesome..
we just have to believe.

I love you Angi
(You are the little sis my mom should have had)

The reflection

She sat in a chair
with a smile on her face.
The thought crossed her mind
to wonder why.

But she pushed it aside
and just enjoyed the moment
for what it was.

Sometimes in life
it's best not to look for details
sometimes it's just enough
to know it's there.

Whether it lasts
or is just a fleeting glimpse
of something unseen for so long.

She knew it felt good
and that was all that mattered.
She sipped from her cup
and enjoyed being herself.

Sighs.. I was challenged to write something happy here.. and I have searched for two days to find that happy center that I have to draw from to put pen to paper.

I know, in my lifetime of 55 years, there have been happy moments. 

I can't find a single one that isn't surrounded with a sad or a hurt.

It is as if I am not meant to retain those happy times.

They are like fleeting thoughts of.. "Oh there is one.. uh no. hmm"

With each happy moment came a price, an after effect, a crushing fall.

I do not look at my life as sad, or unsuccessful, but there is a reason I have not been able to sit and write my life story. I only have one view point. It is a book I would not want to read. A story that isn't meant to be told. A life better taken in small doses.

So I must admit my failure to meet this challenge. For now.

Broken

I called out
you didn't hear
the pain hidden
by a smile

I cant tell
the fear I hide
even I don't know
where it is

I need help
push it away
scream in silence
hope you know

the broken doll
left all alone
calls for you
no words heard

It's not JUST a name

Niggers! Kikes! Wops!

Yeah there was a time these names were all part of the regular language.. a punch line in a joke.. even if it bothered you.. You kept your mouth closed and pretended to go along so you wouldn't look "uncool"

Then one day people found their voice and said HEY! Knock it off!! .. and now to use these is totally unacceptable..

But.. did we learn anything?

How many of you have used the term "short bus" "window-licker" "retard" "special" lately.. and got a big laugh from the crowd??

I can answer that.. a lot of you. And I know you aren't mean people.. it's just the new cool slam.. the easy target for a punch line, because let's face it, they aren't standing there to defend themselves to speak up and say HEY!

Please think twice before you do it again.. it hurts. It hurts some of us real bad. There has to be a better way to be funny then to slam those that can't always speak up for themselves.. isn't there???

Sorry but I just couldn't hold it in any longer.

The holidays suck.
I thought I wasn't going to be alone this year.
Trapped in all this Christmas cheer.
I keep trying to participate, to enjoy.
I hate you for doing this to me.
For leaving me alone.
I hate that I hate you.
I wish you had never come into my life
then I wouldn't have been reminded
of what I'm missing.
I've asked for forgiveness ..
for hating you.
Each day I hate you again.
And each day my heart aches,
not for losing you,
but for being alone.
It's hard to be alone in a crowd
especially at the holidays.
I wish you loneliness,
deep empty sadness,
because that is what you gave me for Christmas.

Age

How is it that I let this thought get away from me?

Thankfully I am surrounded by the smartest people on the planet.

Hello, life.. I'm back.

Solitude

 

 

He walked the streets .. tired. He was not unhappy, but those who saw him could see how hard life had been on him. The lines on his face, his worn crippled hands, his tattered clothes, the slow pace of age worn legs.

Each day he waited in line at the shelter, knowing there would be a free hot meal waiting on the other side of the walls. The people there only asked that he sat in a church pew and listened to their words for a bit, then he could quickly eat the meal handed him.

The directors were kind. Most nights a cot was offered to him and he knew he could stay in the safety of the shelter, but each night he quietly shook his head and headed out the back door and down the alley.

His eyes darting back and forth to make sure he wasnt followed as he ducked low and crawled beneath the old bridge deep inside the forgotten garden of the once popular but now neglected cemetary.

Lifting the flap of the large refrigerator box that was now his home, he settled into the worn blankets. His body rocking back and forth to chase off the cold of the night.

It wasn't long before his eyes closed and he drifted off to sleep. Dreaming most nights of the friends and family he had left behind. Flashes of sad eyes, beckoning fingers, calls for him to come home.

Each morning he would awake, shake off those feelings and sit and listen to the birds, calling to one another, relaying messages. He would stay most of the day in or near his home. Being one with the solitude.

He knew most didnt understand his choice to live this way, he couldnt explain it even if he tried, which he never did, but for the first time in all of his living years the voices were quiet and he was finally at peace.

These were the times he smiled. When no one was around to see.