Alone

I am going to die.

I have said it out loud a few times but, even at that, I am not sure that my soul believes me. Even as I think of it and know I should be making plans for after I am gone, my brain says ice cream sure sounds good now doesn't it?

I didn't know until after the surgery that this fix was temporary. Maybe if I had I could have processed the thought more. Would I have believed it then? I'm really not sure.

I don't know exactly when. The first doctor that was honest with me said 1 - 3 years is the average. The research I have done online has shown me 5 -7 years, but I don't know if they had both surgeries as I have had. It changes the whole equation. I have never been one to shoot for average so I hope I will have 5 - 7.. even longer would be cool.

I have tried to talk to two people about this dying thing and both pretty much shut me down real quick with oh don't think of it that way.. I am not letting you go anywhere. Which is a nice thought but not real realistic. 

I really need to talk to someone who is facing this. I searched for help groups. I really am not seeing one that screams.. here.. come here. So, I plod on each day holding this in wishing, as I have my whole life, that I had that parent every person is supposed to be able to turn to. The one that lets you say it all, then just knows a way to make you feel better even if they can't fix anything, because they know you so well they just... know.

It is lonely to live your life alone. Surrounded by acquaintances. It is lonelier to die alone. 

I live each day with a smile on my face for Amy. She deserves more out of this life then I can give her. During this quarantine time alone with her, I have worked very hard to fill her head and heart with stuff.. memories, stories, giggles, imagination, dreams.. I know she doesn't retain most memories for very long but I hope these go to core memories and once I am gone they continue to pop up when she needs them.

I don't want her to forget me. I don't want to be forgotten. 

The holidays suck.
I thought I wasn't going to be alone this year.
Trapped in all this Christmas cheer.
I keep trying to participate, to enjoy.
I hate you for doing this to me.
For leaving me alone.
I hate that I hate you.
I wish you had never come into my life
then I wouldn't have been reminded
of what I'm missing.
I've asked for forgiveness ..
for hating you.
Each day I hate you again.
And each day my heart aches,
not for losing you,
but for being alone.
It's hard to be alone in a crowd
especially at the holidays.
I wish you loneliness,
deep empty sadness,
because that is what you gave me for Christmas.

All play and no work....

Breath in... breath out.... relax and let your body feel free to float... you are light as a feather.... you have no cares in the world....

Oh good grief who am I kidding?? lol

Do you ever just feel the need to say NO! I don't want to be an adult today. I don't want to do what I know I am supposed to do. I don't care how many people are relying on me to be there, to do my share (and their's), I don't care.. I don't care.. I don't care...

That is me today. I woke up this morning with an attitude of... me.. me... me.. and I am going to listen to myself for a change.

I may have to start playing the lottery. Work seems so much like.. work. Tomorow I will join the adult crowd again but for today.. I must play.

Boo Hoo!!!

Child molesters

This is kind of a heavy subject, but I get so angry every time I read in the paper that the only defense a child molester can come up with is "Boo hoo I was molested as a child!" So I....

What? ... Got angry? No...

Hated all controlling people that reminded me of my molester?? No...

Fought back, spoke up and helped others to not end up in the same circumstance that led to my molestation??? No...

Nope, they choose to go out and torture others, to ruin others lives like their's were....

It makes absolutely NO sense to me. If you were supposedly so damaged over it... it should not lead you to perform that act, or worse, on others.

I know the argument about control issues and I know the one about only doing what seems normal due to how you were raised. It's crap.. C..R..A..P...!!

I think a normal reaction is to be afraid. Afraid to be alone in a room with someone, afraid to trust someone, afraid of any person that looks slightly like that person, afraid to let go of those you are in a position to protect, even afraid to deal with your anger at what was done to you.

Or angry, thats a normal reaction! Angry that your childhood innocence was taken away. Angry that those in charge weren't able to notice or to be able to protect you. Angry that you feel like no one else will understand so you just have to hold it all inside...

And sad, because you didn't deserve it. Sad because you just wanted to be loved and were taken advantage of. Sad because... because you have the right to be.

A real and loving person takes these emotions, fear, anger, sadness and keeps them close to their heart, in the forefront of that great big file cabinet we call a brain... and spends the rest of their life making sure that, if there is any question of it happening around them.... should they see anything suspect... should they ever have doubts about the actions of someone around them, around their friends, their kids, their neighbors.... that they act quickly and without questioning to report, to protect, to stand guard over.. to do whatever necessary to keep it from happening to another innocent one in the world.

To those who choose to molest.. I have zero sympathy and think you should be locked away for life on some desert island surrounded by others just as your self. Then you can all sit around the campfire at night and tell boo hoo stories to someone else who cares.