deesue's place

2009-08-30T10:07:00.003-04:00

Such a simple word. Four little letters.

Used to describe.. strong like for a variety of things, and situations.

I realize just how much I love.. so many objects, so many people, so many actions.

Sometimes my heart seems so full I don't think it can hold more, than it does.

Yes, love is like shoe shopping. You just can't have enough, there is always room for more.

confessions of a fly

2009-08-16T08:41:00.009-04:00

The strands thicken until the fly fears there is no way to escape... with one last strong flutter of its wings it breaks free from what started as such an inviting web.

Even as it starts to fly away, it circles back, drawn by the comfort that was found there.

In the distance, it sees new webs, new fields, new flowers and trees.

It is good to be a fly in this great big world.

Okay, confession time.

I am a democratic, independent, republican.. yes.. I actually vote for the person I think is best for the position, no matter his or her political tag.

I am disappointed when politics comes down to belittling people. Who of us is so perfect that we have a right to judge???? Whether as a joke or mean spirited.. it just doesn't feel right to me. I have made too many mistakes.. for which I am glad I didn't have to publically answer to.

My family is also not perfect.. thankfully I don't have to apologize each day for their actions either.

I believe in God. Yep, what a fraud I have been. I not only believe.. I pray every night. I pray for peace, miracles, comfort and forgiveness... yes, forgiveness for not speaking up. I pray that I am right and there is a heaven, filled with peace, pain free living, and angelic souls.

SL has been an enlightening experiment in my principles. I now know, no matter how nice the people are around me... if I am going against my basic beliefs... it doesn't work for me.

I apologize for not speaking up at the start. I never pretended to be anyone else... or maybe I did, in a silent way. I know I will feel better about me... now that I have stated these things out loud.

Life

2009-07-26T10:17:00.001-04:00

Lost in the world
not knowing where
I fit in
Lost in myself
wondering why
I am here
Feeling needed
but unnecessary
loved
but alone
happy
yet sad
smiling
sighing
laughing
crying
life goes on
so will I

Remembering, never forgetting

2009-07-10T20:08:00.005-04:00

I am having a hard time the past few days... I don't know why.. but I can't seem to get my brother out of my head, so I went searching through my old blog pages from a previous site and decided to post the following blog(s) here.. maybe it will help.. maybe I just need to be able to see signs of him here... written December 5, 2007.. but still feels like yesterday.

My heart is torn apart right now and I have no place to turn to, so I find myself here.

I just received a phone call that my brother Leonard committed suicide last night.

He fought so many demons over the last 47 years.. and last night the last one won.

He never really got over being rejected as a child, but he put on the bravest front of all of us.

When our mom came back to get us when he was 14 .. he was the only one of us that was strong enough to see that she wasnt going to be there for us even then, and chose to go back into foster homes again.

We all had to grow up so fast, but because he was so much bigger than most boys his age, he had to grow up even faster, so much was expected of him.

He was quiet, gentle, and very solitary. But behind his tough exterior you could see a broken boy, a broken man.

When he finally got married and had his daughter I thought his world had turned around and he would finally enjoy everything that the world and family had to offer....

Then one day, heroin walked into his life... and led him back into the streets. Away from his family, to the "friends" that were bound to help take him down.

He would break away, make a clean start.. only to be drawn right back to the Hell.

This past year, he seemed to be getting it all together again. Got a regular job, bought a van, was fighting to stay clean and seemed to be winning. But he couldnt stay away from the love of a toxic girlfriend.. even though she kept dragging him back down. She was so hurtful. She knew just how to turn the blade and cut him to the quick...

Last night he couldn't go on hurting for another moment. And in keeping with his quiet ways he sat alone in his van with the exhaust piped into the inside and silently went to sleep for the last time.

With no loud cry for help, no pleas to be saved, he ended a life of suffering, of feeling he was alone in this world.

I love you Leonard... I hope you know those weren't only words when I said them. I wish I could have done something, said something, to make your world a better place so you wouldn't leave me here without you.

Leonard Joseph Winkler February 29, 1960 - December 4, 2007

Rest in peace my beloved brother

and then:

Welcome home!

The dark days the overcast skies the floods, winds and biting rain.

The air so thick as to be unbreathable, then as if in a blink of an eye.

The gates open the trumpets blare and the carnival is set to welcome you.

Faces of forgotten friends, relatives waiting with open arms Joy, peace and acceptance for the rest of eternity.

Here are your new clothes You look great in wings. Where have you been? We've missed you so much!

All play and no work....

2009-07-08T08:43:00.003-04:00

Breath in... breath out.... relax and let your body feel free to float... you are light as a feather.... you have no cares in the world....

Oh good grief who am I kidding?? lol

Do you ever just feel the need to say NO! I don't want to be an adult today. I don't want to do what I know I am supposed to do. I don't care how many people are relying on me to be there, to do my share (and their's), I don't care.. I don't care.. I don't care...

That is me today. I woke up this morning with an attitude of... me.. me... me.. and I am going to listen to myself for a change.

I may have to start playing the lottery. Work seems so much like.. work. Tomorow I will join the adult crowd again but for today.. I must play.

Flying through life

2009-07-05T02:03:00.004-04:00

Funny how, after a short while in sl, I find myself echoing rl and falling into a set routine. It is the opposite of what I wanted when I arrived. After realizing how much fun sl could be, I decided I would have fun... break out of the box, do things I couldn't or wouldn't do in rl...

At first everything was new... but as I got to know people, especially linked to Cafe Wellstone, I found myself drawn into a weekly routine. A fun one, with great people... but.. as a single avatar in a couples kind of crowd... it can sometimes get a little lonely too.

So I have been branching out, exploring, meeting new people, trying new things. I hope my absences don't push me farther and farther to the outside of the group. And in my heart I hope I am missed a little. :)

I worry that I will spread myself too thin. I did that all the way through school... joined every group, hung with every crowd.. and found myself a part of all, friends to all.. but not best friends with anyone.

Maybe that is the way I am destined to live this life.... I don't know.

Ahhhh, a .. day off?

2009-06-21T09:58:00.006-04:00

I'm trying to remember when a day off went from.. well, a day off, to just a day without pay.

I suppose it was the moment Amy was born. Sometimes being an adult sure carries more responsibilities then it did when I viewed it as a child. I remember thinking "When I grow up I will never have to do this again!" haha.. good thing I didn't know the real outcome or I might not have been so motivated to get to this point.

I also know that since SL I have had to make goals for myself or nothing gets done around my house. How could I have become hooked so quickly to my little SL world?

Oh , that's right.. I have an addicitve personality.. geez.

So goals... I have to make them now.. "Before you can log on to SL you have to clean the kitchen" or whatever the worst disaster of the day is..

Here I am on Sunday. My only real day off from work all week, and so far I have already cleaned the bathroom, the kitchen, cleaned the litter box, wrapped a fathers day gift, helped Amy with breakfast, her hair and getting dressed, mowed the front lawn and taken a shower... whew... (and all before 9:30am)

almost done.... well, as soon as I run to the store, take Amy by her dad's house to drop off a gift and a hug, and help her with a bath...

Then time for SL.. I need some fun!

kicking back

2009-06-19T07:34:00.003-04:00

What an amazing amount of changes my life has gone through (that being my sl life) since I joined in August.

I've gone from bumping into the walls (okay still do that on occasion) to kicking back on my own island paradise. I intend to have a party soon when I can figure out how to fit into the hectic Wellstone schedule.

I have gone from floating on my own to falling in .. umm strong like... to back to floating on my own. Time travels so fast in SL. What feels like forever today, tomorrow is.. well, the past.

No matter what road I choose though... it is .. all fun. Can't wait to start my next new adventure.

So for now.. Let's dance!

No news is not always good news

2009-05-18T22:31:00.002-04:00

News... I've always dreaded watching it. All the bad news, all the fluff filler stories over and over.

The other day I was talking to a friend who said she was going to give up watching the news. I can sure understand the concept.. but not watching the news could have cost me my life (and Amy's).

In 1980, I was living in Washington state. Amy had just turned 2. The guy I was dating at the time decided we should take a road trip across the state to visit some friends of his in eastern washington. We spent Friday night there then Saturday headed back for the western side of the state.

It was a beautiful day in May.. the perfect time to be in Washington. As we made our way back we decided to take a little detour and drive to Mt. St. Helen's .. my gosh it was standing up there in the sky so regally just calling to us!

As we got closer to the campground areas we noticed a lot of other people had the same idea we did.. the place was packed! We drove through a couple places that were way too full and finally found a place that we thought.. heck let's just pull over here and sleep and we will drive the rest of the way back tomorrow after we get a chance to play around a little near the recreation area.

I started to get a sleeping area set up for Amy and grabbed a bottle and some formula.. then noticed.. Darn it! that was the last bottle. So, totally bummed we realized we couldn't stay... started the car and headed the rest of the way back to my house.

We got in pretty late, fell asleep and the next day awoke... to a pitch black day. I had never seen anything like it. I stepped out my front door and the whole world was dark like the middle of the night but grey. Not just the sky.. the trees, the ground, the air.. you could not breath without breathing in ... grey! What the heck??? I rechecked the clock and we had actually slept in until like noon.. and yet it was dark.

So I turned on the radio and that is when I heard that Mt. St Helen's had erupted. I guess it had been spitting plumes of smoke and puffs of lava for a while, actually weeks , months... it was just a matter of time.. but since it had taken so long, most people thought it wouldn't happen or at least that it wouldn't happen that soon. (I would have known this had I ever watched the news.)

Where we had been parked.. was devastated.. The whole area for 236 square miles.. was destroyed. Most of the people there.. did get away.. some did not. Would we have... I don't know.
I know where I was living was at the lower end of the river run off area.. and it was horrible, and yet we were hundreds of miles away. I had to tape all the windows and door edges of the house.. because the ash was so fine that it infiltrated everywhere and with Amy's weak lungs she was in extreme danger. We had to wear face masks to leave the house.

I lasted about 1 week living like that.. then I talked my boyfriend into loading all of mine and Amy's stuff (luckily we didn't have much) and driving us to California to move to the high desert where my mom was living at the time. It was horrible trying to drive out of town.. the car started choking up.. we ended up at the auto parts store.. we had a totally ash clogged air filter.. we ended up having to replace it again as we got out of Washington.

I have tried to watch at least the local news since then. I realized it wasn't safe to live in a bubble and that some news is actually good to know.

Mt. St. Helen's erupted Sunday morning somewhere near 8am May 18, 1980.

I am so proud!

2009-04-25T22:49:00.004-04:00

What an amazing evening I just had. So much fun.

I have talked a bit about my daughter. She goes to a day program for handicapped adults. The main focus of her group is drama and music. They put on some excellent performances mostly for the local retirement homes... but tonight they did their second big, big performance at a local theater that packs in big name performers.

It was... an outstanding show... and I wanted to share the (okay badly done lol) video I shot with my little camera.

Ladies and gentlemen.. my daughter Amy:

Where is my line?

2009-04-19T10:56:00.004-04:00

Since I started this account under my SL name... I have decided to blur the lines between SL and RL.. which gets easier and easier to do as I spend more time in SL.

While some enter the SL world to be and do things they never could be.. I find that I fall more into the category of... deesue is so much like RL me. Likes to have fun, tease, flirt, shop, play, and loves to be with friends... she also needs her quiet, alone times... to just be... deesue.

I live in a house built by Shinigama Kayo. It is amazing. Big, beautiful and.. peaceful. When my music stream isn't playing .. you can hear water, chimes and birds. (The same is true in my RL home)

Deesue and I share a love for clothes and shoes. Although she wears a lot more stilleto's then I do lol. We both have wayyy more than the average person would seem necessary. Clothes... in RL or SL.. I love to be creative, am well known for changing my outfits to match the activity of the moment, and have to do mounds of laundry in RL because of that.

I am finding I am getting more adventurous in deesue's attire. I entered a bathing suit contest last night... I wear booty shorts that show half my booty lol, and in RL I would never go dancing in silks lol.. but a conversation I had last night with Jane2 got me to thinking... I really DO have a line I don't cross.. even in SL.

Whether RL or SL... I have certain parts of "me" that are saved for that .. special person that I may choose to .. ummm share a pose ball with lol

I wonder if that will change after I have been on SL for a longer time? In some ways I hope it doesn't. It hasn't changed for me in all these years in RL...

How about you? Is your avatar an extension of RL you?? Or just a cartoon figure with no conscience or consequences?

My Biological Mom .. the novel

2009-04-07T08:00:00.004-04:00

Recently, I was asked about my family, specifically my relationship with my mom, hmmm. I have been trying to figure out, for a few months, how to put into writing something about her. She is an important part of why I am, what I am, where I am, and who I am..

My mom is a very unique person. I love her very much for bringing me into the world. She had been raised by her grandparents who, when mom was only 14 gave her their blessing to marry my father who was 21 and in the Navy. (no she was not pregnant) It took her a while TO get pregnant.. but I was born 2 weeks before her 16th birthday. Then 13 months later she had my brother Leonard and not long after that my brother Tom.. who oops, has a different father .. she and dad divorced soon after.. and there she was, an 18 year old with 3 babies... a baby herself.. who hadn't had a childhood.. it is no wonder why she lost custody of us soon after the divorce.

I don't have a lot of early memories of her, but I have the image of her being a good mother.. I just think she was too young. We were reunited again when I was 15... 10 long years later.

When I hear of her life in those years. I am glad we were not with her. She gave birth to two more children (both of which she gave up custody of) she married I think 3 times in those years.. the marriage thing with my mom is a confusing subject.. It is hard to pinpoint exact numbers.. and then there is the issue of legal marriages and not actually legal marriages.. (like the minor detail of ..had you actually divorced the last one before the ceremony of the next one?) During that time she also did 17 months in a federal prison for check fraud, and the rest of the years she did.. pretty much .. anything it took to have money in her pocket and a roof over her head. It would not have been a good place for us 3 kids to be.

Life with mom as a teenager was fun! She was more like a friend then a mom, which to a 15 year old is great.. now that I am older I realize it wasn't in my best interest. I do give my mom credit for teaching me to be more confident in myself, she also taught me how to have fun. Unfortunately she also "let" me smoke, skip school, date, shoplifted in front of me, taught me the art of stocking up on groceries by writing bad checks on the way out of town, etc.

Living with her I witnessed so many different lifestyles from the poorest to some of the richest. While I only lived with her for about 2 years (off and on) before I moved out on my own.. we packed a lot of life into that time.

I did move back in with her a few times after that for a month or two here and there.. and then much later on ... she moved in with me for a while.

The biggest example my mom has been to me.. is what NOT to be or do. I don't say that to be cruel, I know that for the most part she has a good heart.. but she is the queen of bad choices... in her friends, in her lifestyle choices, in her life.

Anything that I have done wrong or bad in my life.. my mom has done worse. Sadly, it reflects in her later adult life. She is still a beautiful woman but you can see how living hard has affected every part of her. She is worn and tired. She has had strokes which could be from genetics or methamphetamines. Honesty is not one of her strong suits.

At age 52 she and her present husband (number 7? 8?) were a major part of a shoot out over a big drug buy gone bad and an 18 year old boy ended up dead. It was later proven that although my mom played Annie Oakley and shot every shot she could (along with her husband) the fatal shot ended up being from the gun of their friend... who is still in prison, and very rightly so. My mom and step father did about 5 years each for the parts they played. No offense, but it should have been more. It was their deal, their confrontation.

I ended up paying all of both of their restitution bills so they could leave southern California.. and because of their probations they were released to the custody of my area and in all technicality to me. I purchased them a 5th wheel trailer and they lived in my driveway for wayyyyy too long. I employed her husband at my business until I couldn't take it another day and I had to uh.. let him go. (oh the guilt!)

Part of the reason I am here in Florida, instead of Washington state.. is because the Bank of deesue could not afford to keep its doors open anymore. My clients only withdrew funds but never made payments in return. Since then, these clients have still attempted to use said closed accounts.. but when the banker is across the United States it is much easier to rubber stamp with "request denied"

I know this isn't what you may expect as a blog... but it really isn't a sad story... it's just "life with my mom". I have always been more her mom then the other way around... I find she holds some kind of spell over me... I can forgive her for most anything, I will always love her, and worry about her.. but this baby bird can no longer let the momma bird back in her nest. I finally had to let her go.

Wow, this ended up long.. sorry if you made it to the end.. chalk this one up to Facebook therapy... I needed to get this out. Now, to start coming up with normal blogs.. hmm what ARE normal blogs?

*Oh.. and for anyone that read back to older blogs.. another clue into "Two truths and a Lie" revealed.*

Solid Potato Salad

2009-04-04T17:52:00.001-04:00

This has got to be one of the most unusual music videos I have seen in a while! Keep watching past the first minute.... youch! Flexible!

How I spend my days

2009-03-31T09:37:00.006-04:00

It has been a while since I blogged. Not that I haven't had things to say, but work has been.. well WORK lately.. lol

When I took over dairy/frozen food I never dreamed how hard I would be working. Somehow I had a picture in my mind that I would stand, smile, and turn pictures on products so they faced forward and looked pretty. Hmmm, okay I guess I do that too.. but getting it ordered, on the shelf, looking pretty and than counting it all, documenting and justifying it to the corporate office makes it a whole bunch more than just what I was thinking.

Luckily I don't have to touch the four aisles of frozen food often.. but the dairy dept is my baby from end to end. All things touched and set by me.. So I thought I would share my little (not so little) part of the store.... yes this is where I spend my days.. Wish I was a better photographer. Thank goodness I rock as a dairy manager! lol

The main part of the dairy:

the cheese section:

the organic section:

the juice section:

Don't I have a pretty department???

And the space shuttle rockets red glare

2009-03-15T20:02:00.014-04:00

I come home from the best day at the ball game and then what?????

Step out my front door and watch the space shuttle lift off.. omg I love living where I am!!!

I only wish I had a camera that truly reflected what I see when the shuttles lift off.. it is... amazing.. each and every time!

Play Ball!

2009-03-15T18:34:00.009-04:00

We started out at 10am... arrived by 11... walked, souvenier shopped, and ate for two hours.. then ...

Play Ball!

omg we had such a great time watching the Florida Marlin's lose big time to the New York Mets today at Roger Dean Stadium.

The weather was A #1 perfect! Low 80's with a touch of clouds to take the bite out of the direct rays... Our seats were so perfectly behind home plate

that I could make the call of strike or ball before the umpire could... we were surrounded by pitching scouts with speed guns, who got such a kick at what a big fan my cheering kiddo is...

We went for the "must have" Dean Dog... which was HUGE! We bought new hats, Amy got a new shirt... and we drank enough to keep us from turning into pools of nothing in the heat...

The first four innings we thought we had a lock on a winning game! (When Amy's favorite player, #12 Cody Ross, hit a home run and we were leading 4 to 0.... )

then... the A team left the field and the rookies started playing... hmmmm or should I say attempting to play and not very well.

Then the game turned ... and by the end.. we lost 10 to 5.. eeks! Thank goodness it is only a practice game and doesn't count! (Something we always say when we lose a spring training game! lol)

We are lightly burnt and still grinning ear to ear.. what a great place to live... we are in baseball heaven.

Destination.. life

2009-03-03T07:56:00.004-05:00

Fiercely independent, slightly afraid, but excited of the life ahead... she walked away from the life she had known for way too many years.

With a last glance around, she left the keys on the counter and walked out the door.

The sun was shining a little brighter when she stepped out the door, her smile was even bigger, her heart beat loudly in anticipation.

The drive to her new home, her new life, was a short one. She had waited and planned so long, she didn't have to go far to begin anew.

While parking the car in the driveway, the tears began to flow. Free, she was finally free.

She entered a house full of boxes, but empty of furniture. It didn't matter. Soon it would be full of new and hand selected things, chosen just for her. Things of comfort, things of serenity, things of joy, of peace.

and here she is one year later... one very happy, peaceful year later. She is no longer afraid. She remembers how strong she has always been, how happy she can be no matter what life throws at her, how many things she can do.

She will never let her life turn into what it was in the past again.

Happy Anniversary rl deesue! Happy Anniversary house! Happy Anniversary life!

A real feel good day

2009-02-27T17:38:00.003-05:00

Ever have one of those moments that stays with you??

I had one today. Just have to share.

I was eating lunch today with a co-worker, when he all of a sudden turned purple.

It was obvious that part of the burger he had been eating got stuck in his throat.

Years ago I had taken a CPR certification class. So I got behind him and did the heimlich maneuver. Out came the burger. In came the fresh air again.

So many times lunch breaks happen all alone. Gosh, I am glad I had lunch at the same time he did today. So is he.

I feel really good. Like there was a real purpose to the day.

Stale cookies anyone?

2009-02-23T08:19:00.004-05:00

I seem to be in a reminiscing type mood today...

I wish I could say I have a big exciting life outside of this screen... but now that Amy is older.. nope.. no exciting life lol.

I remember when Amy was younger.. my home was a non-stop activity center for every child in the neighborhood. There were days that I would wake up early to the sound of a child or two or three playing on the swingset waiting for us to open the curtains so they could invite themselves to breakfast.

I never minded. Seemed the more kids there were, the busier they stayed and the easier it was on me. We never had any money back then, and I dont remember it often making a bit of difference.. except when trying to pay for all those popsicles, packets of kool-aid, sandwiches, and I couldn't buy enough bags of Mother's Cookies.

I swear my neighbors saved a fortune on daycare by pushing their kids out the door to "go play at Amy's house". Some would stay almost up to bedtime. And not a single parent ever offered me a penny. Oh well, Amy loved it.

One of their favorite things was a giant trunk full of clothes, shoes, hats, scarves and accessories that we collected from my closets and from the local thrift shop. I wish I had some of the group shots or pics of some of the plays they used to put on to entertain me, but with money as tight as it was, I didn't take too many pictures. The few that I did take.. most were handed to the kids to take home to their parents.

Here is one that I kept of Amy and her best friend Elizabeth. I had a lot of pics of them, as I ended up taking Elizabeth in for the summer so her mom could get herself together. Liz is a mom herself now, with two kids of her own.. Recently I sent a bunch of the photos to her. Her kids got a big kick out of seeing mom when she was young and being silly.

It's hard for me to think of Amy and Liz as adults. In my heart they will always be like the picture above.

So I guess what I am saying is, I hope, for those of you that have younger children (even grandchildren) that you all are spending time with them.. they grow so fast.. and one day you will buy a bag of Mother's cookies and they will go stale... then you will know the kids are grown.

Bubbles!

2009-02-20T19:28:00.001-05:00

Ahhhhhhh.. gosh, what a great way to erase a long day at work.

Now for some fun on SL!

Random facts, shhhh don't tell

2009-02-17T11:55:00.002-05:00

I saw talk of a 25 random things blog. I thought about trying to do that, but... well I don't seem to be very good at just following along. So I decided I would do a random things blog but with a twist.. which I would like to call:

Two Truths and A Lie

Yes below .. in each three, one is a fallacy. If I do it correctly (lol) you will know a bit more about me, but still be left wondering.. what you know.. for sure. Since I am writing as I think of them, I don't know how obvious some will be from conversations I have had...

1. I love chocolate (all kinds!)

2. I love peanut butter and pickle sandwiches

3. I love Manwich with pork and beans mixed in

1. I didn't learn to drive until I was 22

2. I have only had 1 speeding ticket

3. I give my car a birthday present every year

1. When I swim laps in a pool I have to swim clockwise or I get dizzy

2. I am a fanatical exercise person

3. I weighed 76 pounds at age 23

1. I have died three times in the last 50 years

2. I have saved a persons life

3. I performed CPR on a kitten

1. I was evicted once after only two days of residency

2. I lived under the stairs of my home towns public library

3. I lived in a tent one summer

1. I was arrested for stealing road signs

2. A person was murdered on my front door step

3. My mom and stepdad were convicted of murder

1. I love cats

2. I love dogs

3. I love birds

1. I lost my virginity two weeks before my 18th birthday

2. I have been married 3 times

3. I have had a lesbian relationship

1. I was a home coming queen

2. I was a cheerleader

3. I was a band geek

1. I was expelled from school 4 times in one year

2. I was a near straight A student

3. I was always the teachers pet

1. I am afraid of heights

2. I am afraid of spiders

3. I am afraid of snakes

1. I love to mow the lawn

2. I love to iron

3. I love to wash dishes

Okay.... there... now you all know me so much better! Hmmmm or do you?

They're here! They're here!!

2009-02-16T17:58:00.009-05:00

This is some pretty exciting time coming up in the deesue household. Our all time favorite month of the year is weeks away!

Sunday brought in the good news that the pitchers and catchers have returned for another season and baseball is just around the corner!!! A major, major deal for us!

I have yet to book our tickets, but we will spend at least 2 of my precious days off sitting in, what I hope to be blazing sun, getting burnt to a crisp.... while we eat hot dogs and drink giant ice cold lemonades, and cheer our lungs out for our Florida Marlins.

Normally we would be at the ballpark every Sunday and a few days during the week... but... that was before the Dodgers left.. it was so nice to have a ballpark just 15 minutes away from home. We have had some amazing years of memories there...

Amy's birthday is also in March. We have always been at a game. Most years we got lucky and the Marlins were playing the Dodgers on that day... (then Amy had to struggle to choose who to root for)

I hope the Marlins stadium is even half as fan friendly as Dodgertown was! They treated Amy like a special #1 fan. She has an amazing collection of autographed balls, broken bats, souvenier lunchboxes, seat cushions, posters, pins, hats and shirts...

Her favorite birthday will always be the day she met Tommy LaSorda... we saw him in his golf cart putting through to batting practice. He stopped and while Amy was telling him that it was her birthday, I was happily snapping pictures for the photo album. After we walked away I looked into the screen to review the pictures and realized my camera had messed up.. omg the pictures were so blurry they were unsee-able! I felt like the worst mom in the world.

So I said, "Let's just walk by his cart again and I will try to get some pics of him in the background behind you". As we walked up Tommy saw Amy and said "Hey birthday girl! Are you back again?" and... Amy ratted me out! and told him that I messed up the pictures. (darn kid!)

He was so sweet he cleared the crowd and said "Okay mom, let's get these pics right this time!"

and I did.. lol

Then we went and watched them get beat by the Marlins, hehe..

her favorite player is Cody Ross (who started out as a Dodger then became a Marlin)

Oh yeah,, I cant wait to add some more smiles to the baseball memory banks.

Is that mint I smell?

2009-02-12T18:34:00.004-05:00

I am a very, very healthy person. I can sometimes go years without anything major... a sniffle now and then, but since I quit smoking cigarettes the longest I usually carry a cold is 3 days.. (oh boy I hope I am not jinxing my health Karma right now)

But there are times when it completely takes over and runs full force... and I usually have a warning system... I start eating everything in sight. Which isn't quite as noticeable now that I have tried to form better eating habits.. but when I was younger and would go a day or two without a meal.. it was very obvious! It is like my bodies way of saying.. major crisis coming up.. fuel.. put in fuel!!!

I think I have only had the flu really, really, really bad twice. Once right after I met me now ex-husband.. (bragged about how healthy I always am and two days later I passed out while changing Amy's diaper.. oops) Thank goodness he was there at the time!

The other time was about 9 or so years ago now.... Man, what a fever! I was working fulltime at our restaurant appliance repair business, never got days off and here I was at home with this raging fever. So I tried to kick back in the recliner chair and take it easy... But I was sooo bored!

Then I started noticing all the nail and tack holes left in the walls from when I had taken down all the Christmas decorations. I still hadn't redecorated after taking all the stuff down. Gosh there were a lot of little holes... and all those white walls.. just staring at me.... begging me for repair....

So I headed out to the garage to see if we had any hole filler stuff and a hole filler stuff tool... (I know you are all impressed with my construction knowledge here aren't you?) lol

But I can't find any... dangit.. These holes are driving me nuts! I swear they are getting bigger (in my fevered state of being) .. Then I remembered hearing something about renters sometimes using white toothpaste to fill small holes so they could get their deposit back.

So I grabbed the Colgate toothpaste (with whitening power) what could be better? and I spent the whole afternoon filling in little holes.. Gosh I was so pleased with the results when I was done... then I proceeded to pass out on the couch and finally get that much needed rest.

When my ex got home from work... he said instantly he noticed our home smelled so "minty" fresh... lol! Then he noticed my repair. Now he was real nice about it...but later when I was back to my normal self again.. I couldn't help but notice that the walls looked really bad lol. And when the sun hit those walls you could see what looked like hundred's of shiny spots (must have been that whitening power..lol)

Note to future repair people... toothpaste may work for a very tiny spot but if you have over, say, 50 or so holes..... DON'T USE TOOTHPASTE! lol

Nice thing is it motivated my ex to actually repair them correctly and then repaint the whole room.. so it all worked out....

But it got me to wondering about two things... One: do others do weird things that seem totally normal when they are in the midst of a real high fever... and by others... I mean you.... and Two: do you have a clear sign - warning system telling you you are going to be getting sick???

Florida and the wildlife

2009-02-11T07:38:00.004-05:00

On my way home from work yesterday morning, as I drove by the little lake down the street, I saw a pretty good sized turtle climbing up the bank.

I wish I had had my camera with me.. because as soon as I stepped out of my car he started up this "posture" dance... I've always heard of turtles as being so slow.. but here he was scraping his back legs into the ground sending up this spray of dirt.. like he was peeling out at the track or something .. lol.

I'm thinking he must have thought my black firebird was like the biggest turtle he'd come across in some time.. (ok ever) but he wasn't backing down for a second. Darn I wish I had a picture of it... makes me smile everytime I picture it in my mind... lol.

The wildlife here is one of the many things I love about Florida.

On any given day I can sit out in the screen room and see cardinals, turtles, (the pic is of a turtle that lives in my back yard munching mango's all summer long) kingfishers, grackles, hummingbirds, mockingbirds, owls, even had a wild turkey that used to fly in (ok I didnt see him fly.. he just kept appearing and standing in the yard) although I haven't seen him since last... oh no.. since before Thanksgiving... oh dear..., there are long necked crane as big as ostriches that show up in herds in my front yard to feed, cow birds, and during the hurricanes we even had a parakeet walk up the driveway. I have a few bunny rabbits living in the landscaping, frogs and lizards all around the screened room and squirrels everywhere.

I haven't seen an armadillo yet in my yard, although I see them alongside of the road all the time... hmmm.. come to think of it.. that's the only time I've seen them... feet up... roadkill... same goes for the racoons... never in my yard.. just roadkill...

Down at one of the state buildings downtown they have a little creek... err canal... uhh waterway running through that is stocked with all kinds of different fish. Most look like they could be living in someone's aquarium and turtles laying out on the waters edge or posed on the rocks in the water tanning their little shells.. I can sit and stare at them for hours.. so relaxing.

Seeing how many of nature's creatures have made the choice to live here lets me know I'm not totally nuts in wanting to live here also.

What a wonderful world with friends

2009-02-08T11:11:00.001-05:00

Sometimes.. something comes along that just makes you smile. This did it for me this morning.

Can't seem to let go

2009-02-07T08:14:00.003-05:00

As I have mentioned a bit... my daughter is 30 now, and has multiple handicaps. For those who are not familiar with her.. she has cerebral palsy that effects mainly her left side, she is totally blind (as of 4 months ago) and she also is developmentally delayed in most areas.... In other words, I'm one of the lucky ones in that she can do quite a few things but needs some assistance in little ways in most every thing she does throughout the day.

I have made the choice to keep her at home and raise her instead of handing her off to some kind of group home that will shuffle her around until she is just one of the masses... but the older she gets, the more the "agencies and their representatives" are inferring that I am just an over-protective mother that needs to learn to let go. I have held strong to my beliefs that no one knows her the way I do, no one protects her the way I do (she is such an easy mark, so gullible and so emotionally innocent) and that the best place for her is with her loving mom. Am I wrong?

I was raised for a part of my childhood in foster care.. and while I loved one mom that I was lucky to get (thank you mom Yadon!) for the most part... my foster home experience was full of neglect, abuse (of all kinds) and extreme sadness. I equate disabled group homes with that experience because the few I have been in, I viewed "clients" sitting alone in chairs staring at nothing, laying in their beds in rooms with no company, or herded around in groups. I feel terrible that I am talking in such generalities.. but that is my experience.

Amy's days are full of love, and someone (okay me) who says.. "Does that shirt actually match those pants?" "Do you realize your shoes are on the wrong feet?" "Oh come on.. I know you can speak clearer than that" "Lets do something different with your hair this morning." Someone who reads articles out of the newspaper to her, points out if a show is on t.v. that she may not have noticed, offers to go swimming with her and double checks to make sure "everything" is covered properly before she walks out the door. We shop together, plan meals together, talk baseball together and take drives and laugh together when we get lost..

As I said earlier she needs little "helps" throughout her day... from assistance in dressing, fixing her hair and "personal" needs, to cutting her food into bite sized pieces, and helping her dial the phone, to holding her hand when she steps out of the house. She doesn't have mathematical abilities, and until she lost the last of her sight.. could only read simple words in a 2-3" size, and write a simple signature of Amy A. We have tried some of the assisted work programs, but the assistant always ended up doing all the work, so we gave up on that..

While there is a tiny part of me that would love to have an adult life without having to be "needed" all the time, to have alone time with other.. adults. I can't imagine the guilt of knowing that I had time and love... and that my daughter was living with some group home parent.. who most likely feels over-worked, under-paid and under-appreciated.

So am I over-protective? Probably but... I have a 30 year old daughter who is a non-smoking, non-drinking, non-cussing, virgin who has never suffered abuse. Would she be all those if she had been handed over to a group home for her care? If I were to let go of her... and any harm came to her... I just could never forgive myself.

What would you do in my place? Do you know anyone who is in a similar circumstance? What did they do? How did it work out?

Brrrrrr

2009-02-06T07:50:00.003-05:00

omg.. help me I am freezing this morning!

Someone send some warm air this way!!

I can't take it!

It is bad when I am only going to work because they turn the heat on in the store...

*note to self* get heater checked out before next winter....

Growing up.. SL style

2009-02-04T07:45:00.004-05:00

So one day... I was out for a walk... enjoying what Sl life has to offer.. but wishing for more.

It is hard to be a single avatar in an Sl world. Not that I want to be tied to some routine, but.. there is more to offer in this world than I am seeing, experiencing... and .. so ... little deesue, cute little barbie deesue.... decided to grow up a bit.

I will kind of miss her. She was easy to see past. Others would walk right by her and not even notice she was there.. which.. for the start of my SL life.. was a good thing. It gave me a chance to look around. See what others do. how they are, act, think, behave...

Then with a little help from my advisor... deesue went shopping.. oh boy did she go shopping! New skin, shape, lots of hair, clothes... even added the perfect ao....

and ta da..... the new deesue.. made her appearance.

I'm still me, always will be.... but now maybe someone will want to dance with me.... for another reason other than poor deesue has no one to dance with.

Different times

2009-02-03T01:48:00.003-05:00

I was watching some kids playing in their yard this weekend and I found myself feeling sad for them. Maybe they don't even realize what they are missing.. how different things were for their parents and grandparents... the freedom that days off.. that summer offered...

Here they are trapped in their yard with mom checking out the window every few minutes just to make sure no one is driving by preparing to grab them and cart them away...

I feel so lucky to have been raised back in the 70's and out in the country. Each day was an adventure, and there were days that we left in the morning and didn't return until the sun was going down. We hiked in the woods, we trekked along the back roads to the lake, we joined with countless others to earn a few bucks picking strawberries for the local growers.. and some days we spent just playing baseball in the field and sitting up in the apple, plum and cherry trees eating until we were sick.

Summers were great! I remember missing a lot of my friends from school, because back in those days we had a party line (a lot of people now don't even know what that is I bet.. lol) and you couldn't tie up the phone just talking to your friends because the lady down the street might need the phone .. or might just be listening.. lol.

The first days back in school were like reunions and everyone had their stories to tell about how they had spent their summer. At the time I was envious of those that went on fancy vacation trips.. although a few summers I did get to go away to camp and that gave me all kinds of stories to share!

Now as I think back.. I am so glad that we got to have the type summers we had, and that I got to have those carefree days before the world evolved into what it is today!

Poetry of Reflection

2009-02-02T07:32:00.004-05:00

I light a candle of hope... because nothing in this life is impossible....

The happy face the people see

the inside darkness that is me..

in my mind

The outer shell so very tough

the inside full of shaking stuff..

in my heart

A smile, a laugh, a joke

a sigh, a tear, a choke..

in my being

Try to see me as I truly am

under this external sham..

in my soul

What will be your reaction

if you find there's still attraction..

to my life

Will you stumble blindly on,

will you choose to still be gone..

from my life

If you could do anything else...

2009-01-31T21:32:00.002-05:00

If you could be or do something different than what you are now... Had life handed you a different course... what do you think you would have liked it to be??

This may sound a little odd, but I LOVE tug boats. Not just the cute little one that was in the fairy tales.. although that may be where my love of tug boats came from... but the thought of being in charge of this little boat that has so much power and pull, that without it the big freighters would never be able to make it in and out of the harbors....

Maybe that's part of it too.. the feeling of being so indispensible... of being needed... Well geez.. now all these freudien thoughts are trying to take away the enjoyment of my fantasy... lol nahhh ! I can go down to the harbor and just stare at these sometimes very ugly old tug boats.. and it's like they just call to me.

Of course it would be the Lil Deesue.. and I would fix it up with curtains and comfortable pilot seats... Probably in pinks, so everyone knew it was a girls tug... and I'd always wear pink and white outfits. It would be so cute... but with a kick ass engine in it so that it could pull anything, and if I entered it into a tug boat race, it would blow the other guy's doors off!

Oh my gosh, that would be so great!! Captain Deesue of the Lil Deesue tug lines at your service! Our motto.. "We don't just think we can.. we know we can!!"

How about you?? Got an off the wall wish that hasn't been fulfilled because life took you a different direction?

If the jeans fit.....

2009-01-29T23:55:00.002-05:00

I rarely remember my dreams. I sometimes will remember little flashes of one but as soon as I try to tell someone about it, the details just fly out of my brain.

I am guessing this has, partly, to do with the fact that I always have very innocent non-sensical (sp?) dreams. When I say they involve bunnies and skipping in the park I really am not exaggerating... since I gave up watching horror films and got past my childhood "stuff" I have been the queen of non important unassuming dreams.

Last night I dreamt that Russell Simmons (the hip hop record guy, who also has a few lines of clothing) tried all night to help me find the perfect pair of jeans. I was there with one of the ladies that was on "The Next Top Model" and a room full of other girls. He was personally doing all the measurements for each girl, handing them a pair of jeans and sure enough.. each one walked out looking fantastic.. they were perfect!

But for some reason he kept measuring my waist size as 60" and handing me these really baggy, crotch to the knees type, and the pants only hanging to just past my knees. I kept trying to tell him they were way too big and definitely not my style.. that I really wanted a pair that went all the way to my shoes... but he swore "just for me" he would have them altered to fit perfect and that once I saw them done I would love them.

The strange thing is I had to get up twice last night to go to the bathroom (I really need to cut down on the liquids before bed..lol) but when I got back into bed and fell back to sleep... there was Russell Simmons handing me those jeans again..lol.. and every time I tried them on again, no matter how many adjustments were made, they still didn't fit...

I was pretty frustrated by this morning that I still didn't know which pair of jeans were the perfect ones for me. I sure know which ones to avoid though! lol

Hehe.. aren't you all glad I shared that dream with you? Now do you see why it is probably better that I forget the details of most of them? lol

We're here to stay...

2009-01-29T07:59:00.006-05:00

You passed us in the store day

We saw you look then glance away

We tried to smile to let you know

we didn't mind we know we're slow

We've learn to walk with heads held high

as people crowd us and loudly sigh

She may be limping but we don't care

and if you'd ask we'd gladly share

The miracles that we face gaily

witnessing the joy that she has daily

You see we never thought she'd walk

the doctors said she'd never talk

We will not leave

We're here to stay

your attitude is wasted on us today.

These words have been written in my mind time and time again over the years I finally decided to put them on paper the other night.

For my daughter Amy. She is my light, my life, my joy, my angel without her my life would not be complete and I would not be the person I am today.

(photo taken about 2 years ago now.. back when I had real short hair)

Another day in paradise.. yep that sums it up..

2009-01-27T10:33:00.005-05:00

What a day.. headed into work today to shoot my order for tomorrow, then raced for home with all good intentions of cleaning house.. but... what is this through my windshield?? Sunshine! Ahhhhh.. my world is normal again..

So instead of cleaning I found myself outside and as I sat in my chair staring ahead. listening to the birds... enjoying the splash from my calla lily fountain.... I thought of some of you... cold ... lost in winter... So for a moment... come vacation at my home.

(yep, the top pic is my magnet collection which is outside in my screen room)

relax in a lounge chair... oh and through those swinging doors?? an outdoor shower! and if you have never showered outdoors with the sun beaming down .. omg you don't know what you are missing!

we can barbecue... burgers, hotdogs, chicken and ribs.. yummmyyyy!

then out we go under the mango tree... if its in May... mmmm fresh mango's... but anytime is a good time to play in the backyard.

Oh yeah.... welcome to my little piece of paradise... glad you could visit.. hope you come again..

Who is in charge here?

2009-01-24T18:42:00.002-05:00

When I was a child I used to love to lay out on the front lawn and just watch the non-stop activity. Not traffic, not the neighbors, but nature.

I remember one day watching a spider spin a web for hours.. I have always been fascinated by spider webs and their intricacies.. but to actual get to witness this one spider put down its anchor lines... climbing to the top and swinging down right to the area he needed the next line to go to.. time after time after time. Then all the time spent building the lines in between going round and round, so amazing. After that I would always think of that spider, when I accidently walk through a web. Made me feel guilty knowing some spider would have to spend hours rebuilding, because of one uncaring giant.

I also loved to stare for hours at a colony of ants moving from one hill to another. Or seeing a group of them working together to move a big stick along.. or one big dead cricket. Once in a while just to mess with them I would pour a little liquid right in the area they were going, or place a stick in the way just to see them work out how to go around the hazard.

As I caused these deesue made disasters it made me wonder, as I layed there staring at the sky, watching the clouds go by.. if someone else was out there staring down at me watching me stare at the ants or watching the spider.. was that why that sudden little rain storm just "popped up" out of nowhere? Or when I was riding my bike and that medium sized rock was right in my way and I went sprawling onto the gravel... was that some big deesue up there.. manipulating my world for their own amusement?? Was I just a little ant in someone elses world??

When you were a kid.. did you ever think of things like this?

There is no place like....

2009-01-23T07:43:00.002-05:00

SL! I swear, without a doubt, I am one of the luckiest people in the world... yes on the whole planet.

How I could have been so lucky to have accidently joined in with the best group of people from the very start... it just.. well, I have no words for how much you all have changed my life.

(okay to a non-SL person, I am sure that sounds ultimately geekified!) but it is so true and I soon learned we are so much more than just avatars in sim settings.

The birthday party thrown in my honor last night, will be etched in my mind all year.

I am kicking myself, over and over, that I was so overwhelmed with all of the attention and emotion that I forgot to click and get a picture. The decorations were amazing, the cake was the cutest of all I have seen thus far! and I received gift after gift all night long.

And now I can officially take that off of my "I have never done this". Yes, it took 50 years and a very special group of friends to finally get my own, very first birthday party. I know that may sound odd to those with normal childhoods and lives.. but yes.. it was my first.

I spent it in tears. You all mean so much to me, and you truly have changed my world in so many ways. Okay, flashback.. I am a sappy lady.. now I am crying again.

A woman's place is in the home!

2009-01-22T15:10:00.004-05:00

I challenge you first to think back to the 50's. Back when mom was home night and day, cooking, cleaning, ironing a nice crease in dad's shirt's and making sure each brown bag lunch had the proper balance of nutrition plus that one little sweet treat that you knew was her special recipe (and highly trade worthy).

Children were well behaved, well dressed, knew they were loved and treasured and marriages lasted forever. Everyone knew their place, everyone knew their jobs. Dad's were the bread winners, the disciplinarians and they handled all major decisions. Things were so perfect then!

Then women demanded the right to be part of the work force, started leaving their kids with strangers, started elbowing men out of their rightful positions as the decision makers, the leaders.. even as far up as the government.

Now, 50 years later our world is in an uproar. There is rampant violence, our children are out of control, we have more wars than we have ever had, and it all stems from the emotional impact women have infiltrated into every part of our society.

Our government has the lowest approval rating in history.. can we blame our (just ex'd) president? No way! It is only because he was forced to let women like Condoleesa Rice (backed by a hormone packed bunch of women supporters) make political decisions.

Our justice system is falling apart.. why? Women on the bench as Supreme Court Justices! Our state governments are also falling apart with the emotionalism of the over abundance of female congressional and district chair holders. It is just a matter of time before they vote to change our flag to pink, oystershell and aqua!

Go home ladies, put on your aprons, start that bread to rising and take care of your man... then our world can go back to being the great place it used to be!

okay, okay I am soooo joking! lol (I actually wrote this about a year ago for a writing challenge issued on yahoo.. to write a convincing argument on something you feel the opposite about. I ran across it this morning and it cracked me up so thought I would share it)

Hmmm.. what would YOU have picked to write about?

Happy Birthday!

2009-01-22T01:44:00.002-05:00

Fifty

I don't know what I expected I would feel like, look like today. But whatever it was.. I don't.

How can I possibly be 50? I can so clearly remember 15, 20, 30, 40..

Why do I still see that young me in the mirror? Will I always see her? Will I ever see what others see?

Do I want to see that me? Maybe not.

Have I accomplished all I thought I would? No. But I also have not let myself down ..

Without trying to sound egotistical... I am so proud of where I am, what I am, who I am, where I am headed.

Thank you to everyone that has befriended me along the way. I hope I can be, for all of you, what you have been for me.

I can't begin to imagine what the future holds, but I look forward to it!

(Dancing, even by myself, a wonderful way to start a new decade of life.)

Who turned off the heat???

2009-01-21T16:59:00.004-05:00

Good grief I am ready to pack up and move to Florida .. it is freezing here!

Yikes! I live in Florida!

What the heck is going on???

It was in the low 30's this morning... so cold I had to wear a turtleneck.. good thing I saved a few from my many years of cold living in Washington state. What a shame that we got rid of all of our coats! Tonight is going to drop even colder..

How am I supposed to get a tan out in the backyard tomorrow?? Oh this is so unfair!

All my poor houseplants live outside in the Florida room... where can I get some plant blankies???

Mother Nature.. what have we done to tick you off? Are you feeling the affects of the economy too? Can't afford to tilt the sun in our direction right now????

It's here! It's here!

2009-01-20T10:54:00.002-05:00

omg.. I am so excited for today...

for our future...

I am just red, white and blue from head to toe..

(you will have to trust me on this) lol

let the fun, the future... begin!

Can we really tell?

2009-01-19T18:08:00.002-05:00

I have been watching people a lot lately. There are a lot of good people in this world. Although, I do live in the land of vacations and snowbird retirees.. there still seems to be different categories.

There are those who have decided that life does NOT have to be lived in fast motion. That have decided NOT to let each and every action and reaction get to them. That have decided to see the world and their little areas of it with an open mind and heart.

Does this mean they never have a bad day? Never get frustrated, depressed, shocked at what they see being done around them? Absolutely not! But they have made a conscious choice to try to enjoy the days given them.

Then there are the folks that no matter how much is given to them, no matter how fast, how inexpensive, how kind.. they will never truly feel they have gotten what they feel they so justly deserve.

But...

I have also seen something that can make a difference .. sometimes.

Expectations.

I have dealt with so many customers that I thought were darn nice.. maybe a little slower to smile.. but left my department with a courteous thank you and a see ya next time. (Okay some a bit of a quizzical expression and a hmmmm lol) but..

then have another employee come up and say.. "How did you make it through that with them? They are always so rude! I have actually left my area just so I didn't have to deal with them anymore."

So is it that the customer was REALLY always so rude? Or was it that they expected them to be, so they instantly treated them in a demeanor that encouraged exactly what they expected? .. (and got)

I hope as we all go through life and into 2009, that we can try to stop putting people into set categories. If you catch yourself looking at someone saying.. "Look at that expression! What's their problem?" or "Geez how could they walk out of their house dressed like that?"

Try to remember.. someone else could be thinking the same of you on certain days too. And ya know how nice you really are.

Boo Hoo!!!

2009-01-18T10:17:00.003-05:00

Child molesters

This is kind of a heavy subject, but I get so angry every time I read in the paper that the only defense a child molester can come up with is "Boo hoo I was molested as a child!" So I....

What? ... Got angry? No...

Hated all controlling people that reminded me of my molester?? No...

Fought back, spoke up and helped others to not end up in the same circumstance that led to my molestation??? No...

Nope, they choose to go out and torture others, to ruin others lives like their's were....

It makes absolutely NO sense to me. If you were supposedly so damaged over it... it should not lead you to perform that act, or worse, on others.

I know the argument about control issues and I know the one about only doing what seems normal due to how you were raised. It's crap.. C..R..A..P...!!

I think a normal reaction is to be afraid. Afraid to be alone in a room with someone, afraid to trust someone, afraid of any person that looks slightly like that person, afraid to let go of those you are in a position to protect, even afraid to deal with your anger at what was done to you.

Or angry, thats a normal reaction! Angry that your childhood innocence was taken away. Angry that those in charge weren't able to notice or to be able to protect you. Angry that you feel like no one else will understand so you just have to hold it all inside...

And sad, because you didn't deserve it. Sad because you just wanted to be loved and were taken advantage of. Sad because... because you have the right to be.

A real and loving person takes these emotions, fear, anger, sadness and keeps them close to their heart, in the forefront of that great big file cabinet we call a brain... and spends the rest of their life making sure that, if there is any question of it happening around them.... should they see anything suspect... should they ever have doubts about the actions of someone around them, around their friends, their kids, their neighbors.... that they act quickly and without questioning to report, to protect, to stand guard over.. to do whatever necessary to keep it from happening to another innocent one in the world.

To those who choose to molest.. I have zero sympathy and think you should be locked away for life on some desert island surrounded by others just as your self. Then you can all sit around the campfire at night and tell boo hoo stories to someone else who cares.

Wednesdays thoughts

2009-01-14T14:00:00.001-05:00

I love my job...

I hate my job...

Let it rain!!

2009-01-13T13:35:00.002-05:00

Ahhhhh.. days off. Such a needed recharge day. With the job I have, there seems to never be the possibility of having two days off in a row.

I really miss having two days off in a row. So much easier to get things done and recover from the week's work.

But with four deliveries a week and four days before that to order those four deliveries... it is an eight day week smashed into seven days, condensed into 40 hours.

The good news is that I am going into my 50's in better physical shape than I was in my 40's .. or 30's. Suhweet!

I have thought about wearing a pedometer to log the miles I walk in each work day, maybe it is better not to know some things.. hmmmm and lifting boxes and crates of milk and eggs all day long, deep knee bends to stock the lower shelves, stretching to reach the back of the upper shelves (I SWEAR my arms have grown longer since I started this job because I couldn't reach them when I first started and I KNOW I am still only 5'5" tall)...

Who the heck needs a gym membership? Just go to work in a grocery store.

But I ran off target there (if I truly had a direction I was headed) okay.. truth be told.. I never know what I am going to type until my fingers start moving.

But I do know... after only having to work 90 minutes this morning to place tomorrow's delivery...

I cleaned the house, swept the floors, cleaned out the drain in my daughters bathtub (yuck) washed the sheets on both of our beds and ... then took a two hour nap....

Ahhhhhh days off.. a much needed recharge. Now it's time to head to SL to play.

Oh wait... rumor has it it may rain this afternoon... (my well water is horrible and has to be treated with salt so I can't use it for anything but showering) and my baby bird needs a much needed bath.... oh well, I shall play until it rains!

Yes, that is baby bird in the pic above. We love to fly down the road! (Of course by fly I mean ahem,, drive the speed limit) Honest officer.. I was looking at my speedometer when I went past you.. your radar gun must be wayyyy off!

On the Outside

2009-01-09T23:25:00.003-05:00

On the outside .. looking in.

I feel this describes most of my life. Sadly, it seems to carry over to SL.

I have met some really great people.... but I feel like such an observer.

Just not feeling like I fit in.

So I find myself dancing alone more and more....

Never... Ever

2009-01-08T22:04:00.005-05:00

Since I am almost 50 years old ... I thought I would list 50 things I still have never done.... how many of these have you never??

Who is as lacking as I am????

I have never:

01. pole danced
02. gotten a traffic ticket
03. eaten lamb
04. gotten a tattoo
05. had to wear a cast
06. changed the oil in a car
07. had a pedicure
08. been to Hawaii
09. been to a New Year's party
10. changed a tire
11. ridden a donkey
12. gone scuba diving
13. parallel parked a car
14. been ice skating (does Sl count?)
15. had a housewarming party
16. eaten black eyed peas
17. gone water or snow skiing
18. been on a snowmobile
19. removed hair by using wax
20. been on a trampoline
21. been to a hockey game
22. had a massage
23. gone on a cruise
24. had a passport
25. been driving during a car accident
26. played football
27. called a foreign country
28. had the mumps
29. belly danced
30. eaten sushi
31. had the chicken pox
32. learned a foreign language
33. used call holding/waiting on my cell phone
34. had a glamour shots photo done
35. seen the Chippendale dancers or any other strip dancers
36. been a brides maid
37. owned a raincoat
38. crimped my hair
39. cleaned the gutters on a house
40. been chosen for jury duty
41. ridden on a parade float
42. shot a rifle or hand gun
43. been to an opera
44. had a martini
45. eaten a crumpet
46. line danced
47. sang karaoke
48. done a jello shot
49. gone to a costume party
50. played tennis

Geez, some of these are so do-able.. why are they still on my never list??

So, I am curious... You don't have to tell me which ones... just tell me, in the comments section, how many of these nevers are nevers for you too.

The Ride of My Life....

2009-01-03T18:50:00.003-05:00

I listed "carnival worker" in my list of jobs and Tammy wanted to know a bit more about it.. hmmm

I think, for the most part, I have led a semi boring life, laced with weeks and months of fun and excitement. It's those times, that I have to look back on that remind me... gosh, if Amy hadn't come along when she did... (well.. maybe I should just leave that as an open sentence.. lol)

When I was 18, I was living in a nice little duplex apartment, had a job at the local supermarket (which I hated because the owner literally chased me from aisle to aisle.. dang old married pervert) I had a nice boyfriend and thought things were going really well. Then Gary the nice boyfriend did the unthinkable... he started talking marriage and settling down. Now, you have to take in to consideration that this was in 1977.. settling down was so... throw back, so .. your parents.. heck we were already living together, why ruin a good thing with some crazy ceremony and committment papers?!

So I did what I was most famous for doing.. I started to pull away. Started spending more time with my girlfriends. One weekend the local county fair was going on. You know the type... FHA kids showing their farm animals in one area, grandmas getting prizes for their quilts and secret recipe apple pies in another area and the draw for the teenagers, the carnival midway on the far end.

Judy and I made big plans to have the time of our life. We rode every ride (most free of charge!) and ended up meeting a couple of the carnival ride workers. It was the last night the fair was in town.. so they guaranteed us a huge party once the fireworks show had ended, while all the rides were being dismantled and everything was being loaded in to the semi's to move onto the next town.

I found myself buddied up with "Blondie" the guy who ran the ferris wheel while my girlfriend paired up with "Tiny" the tilt-a-whirl operator. Dang these guys could party! The whole carnie crew were party animals... it was an 18 year old "Boy, could I turn into an alcoholic real easy"s dream come true!

Then Blondie came up with this brilliant plan, talked to the owner of the Amusement Rides and the next thing I know, I was guaranteed a job in the ticket booth with a salary of $125.00 a week and all the "walks" I could keep. Poor Judy only landed a job working the dime toss game... but when the fair left town early that morning... I was sitting in the semi pulling the ferris wheel...

Hmmmmm.. Gary who? Geez.. I was rotten back then! I did call from the next town and told him where I was.. and told him I wouldn't be back. I sent one of my friends to get my stuff from the duplex and put it in a storage unit for my return someday. (I will have to tell you another story about how I lost my best friend Suzy because of this storage unit another time)

The next 4 weeks until the carnival closed down for end of season is a non-stop blur of fair working, ride constructing, and deconstructing, traveling, walking the midway, learning all the games and non-stop parties all night every night. (although I gave up the heavy drinking after the first 2 weeks) How I didn't die of alcohol poison in that short time I will never know. Between what we drank straight out of the bottle and all the extras like the watermelons filled with fifths of vodka that marinated half the day.... ewww I shudder to even think about it now.

I made a fortune in a couple towns on those "walks" I was offered. For those unaware of this term... when someone comes to the ticket booth and orders say an $8.00 book of tickets and hands you a twenty... then gets distracted by all the kids pulling them in 6 different directions, they are known quite often to "walk" away and forget to get their change. I always knew who did and if they returned I gave them their change.. but it was rare they would return... most days I made more than my weekly salary in walks..

I made some terrific friends among those carnies. Most towns people hated us all, but some truer people I have never found.. granted most of us were running from something.. whether it was family, relationships, the law, or just themselves... we all had ghosts..

My girlfriend Judy only lasted for a couple weeks and then she headed back home, but I traveled with the carnival until they hit the winter storage area. (By then Blondie was also known as Lenny) .. one week after we left the carnival and drove off he would be called my husband and three months after that he would be known as that jerk I was stupid enough to marry... lol

Would I have been better off staying home and marrying Gary?? Nahhh look at all the fun and memories I would have missed!

Ok... I can't be the only one to do something crazy like this am I??

Paying Jobs I have held

2009-01-01T22:06:00.004-05:00

I saw a few of you had done a tagged blog of paying jobs you have had so far.

Hmmm.. can I remember them all?

Scorekeeper for Professional Bowling Association playoff games held in Boise ID (so fun)

babysitter (not a good one... lock up your booze! Hide your baby food desserts lol)

Apartment assistant manager and then manager

McDonalds .. never did any job great there lol

stock clerk for Wigwam department store

Ticket booth worker for traveling carnival (Slept under the ferris wheel most nights)

cashier at Liberty Market (ran from lecherous store owner most days)

Maid for Motel 6 (people left a LOT of drugs behind!)

waitress at Copper Kettle, The Pit (it was), and The Steak Out

Maid at the Mapes Hotel in Reno, NV

manager at The Pizza Chalet

Store Clerk at a Liquor Store

Co-owner of The Clean Up Crew (new construction detailing)

Receptionist and sales person for restaurant equipment sales company

Receptionist, owner and wearer of all hats for a restaurant equipment repair company (12 years)

cashier, stock clerk, frozen food dept associate, and now dairy/frozen food manager for Winn-Dixie Marketplace

and to think.. somewhere along the way, I managed to be unemployed for about 15 years in between all of that while I raised Amy... played nurse, physical therapist, home taught for 2-1/2 years and raised most of the neighbors kids lol

I kind of hope the list doesn't get much longer... did I mention I have received TWO invitations to join AARP this week??? Who put out the word that I am getting old????? lol

Bye Bye 2008

2008-12-31T16:43:00.006-05:00

The last day of 2008... I have no doubts I am getting old....er as this year just flew by even faster than the last year did... dang it! That must mean I am on the downhill slope of this ride through life. Hmmmm wonder if there is a certain age in the creaky years where things sloooooooow wayyyyyy down again? I hope so because right now it is hard to find enough time each day to really appreciate the world around me.

2008... what a year. Such a year for changes.. most good... and even the bad were handleable (is that a word?)

Let's see.... got promoted from cashier to frozen food manager (than found out it wasn't really a manager but just an associate job with lots of responsibility)

Finally put it all together financially and was able to buy my own home. After living "separate in the same house" for over a year... omg .. uncomfortable way to live.

Fixed up our doll house for Amy and I.. bought new furniture, and for the first time in 24 years (23 married) was finally able to relax and enjoy being at home. Never again will I let someone make my life miserable each and every day. Never again will I let someone take over Amy and my happiness.

Spent the month of March at as many Dodger Spring Training games as we could get to, since it was their last year here in Florida. Gosh we are going to miss them! What a great group of players and what a fun ballpark.

Got to meet and visit with friends I met on-line while blogging on Yahoo360 and Multiply from Ohio, Georgia, and a couple all the way from England. Finally.. I get to have company! This is truly the life I have always wanted to be able to have.

May brought the bad news of Amy's sight disappearing. We spent June, July and August going back and forth to Miami.. three surgeries and lots of recovery. Sure wish it had restored her sight, but at least she is still alive and healthy. Never have a seen a person handle being totally blind better than my Amy.

Shockingly.... we survived three unpaid months of leave of absence, and upon my return I got promoted to dairy/frozen manager (a real manager job even!) with a bit of a raise. Sweet.

Then I discovered SL. YaY! Something to do other than just watch tv every night after work. How I ended up getting lucky enough to fall in with the folks I did is just amazing and has been real enjoyable. And deesue getting to shop everyday has kept me out of the rl stores.. thank goodness!

November 18th brought the final dissolution to a 23 year marriage that, in reality should have been dissolved after about the 3rd year. Sigh, finally .. freedom. I feel like I have lost such a weight.. off of my shoulders and my heart.

So bye bye 2008... thank you for this new life! Thank you for allowing me to survive through the pitfalls and come out smiling on this.. the last day of the year.

2009.... I can't wait to see what this new year holds!

It is so hard being a parent sometimes

2008-12-28T22:59:00.007-05:00

Sometimes I wonder how some make it through life so easily. Did they live a really hard life in another time and this time around got to take it easy? Or are some of us just meant to have to handle more....

My whole life has been an uphill battle with bouts of quicksand... just to test me, to make sure I can keep climbing... and I have always been able to.

When it is about me, there really isn't anything I can't handle. But when it is about my kiddo.. omg..

How much more can she be put through??? How much more will I have to learn to bare with her? What affects her affects me, so much worse than if it were happening to me. Being a mom, being a parent, can be such a trial.

It has been over six months now.. since.. well, since we started this latest .... test. In this six months we have learned to adapt, in some ways, and yet I still cry .. for what was lost.. for what will never be... for all the things we didn't get to do.... and I feel so selfish. She is the one that really has to deal with it all and she is doing it with a smile...

How, how did I get so lucky to get this angel? Is she part of my prize for living such a tough life?

When she started falling, hurting herself with every step in May... I would never have guessed just how much our lives would change. As her sight turned to grey... we held out so much hope for a miracle. We had the best hospital, the best eye surgeon, the highest confidence...

As we waited for surgery.. we did as we always do... we joked, we laughed, we comforted others that waited for their surgeries... confident in the miracle of technology. Amy thought I was crazy taking so many pictures, but I flashed pic after pic, as she changed into her little purple gown. "Let's get a picture of the two of us together" I said. She, being herself, said "don't take a picture of your fingers mom"... and sure enough.. we posed... I held the camera up .. hit the button and ... took a pic of my hand. darn camera was backward.... so the real picture was this one of us laughing at my photo talents... See those two ladies? Yes, that is us... as we are.. happy. We try to not let a day go by without laughter.

But, this next pic makes me cry everytime....

you see that is the last picture before she went into surgery. "Don't worry mom, it will all be alright" the last time she was ever able to see my face.... she never saw again.

All those things I put off.. thinking we had so many more years.. all the things we didn't do and see... please... don't put things off with those you love.. you just never know!

But she was right... it will be alright... I just wish I could stop crying over what was... I wish I was as tough as Amy is.

Twas the night before Christmas..

2008-12-24T15:22:00.006-05:00

and deesue is exhausted! lol

Okay, I have to admit.. as the month has worn on I have started to enjoy the holiday season a bit. We sure have seen some crazy costumes on SL! lol and it has been fun.

In RL... working in a grocery store during the holidays is... stressful! By the time I get home I just want to fall asleep, but there is still supper, and a bath, and sl time... I didn't end up getting hardly any cards signed and mailed. Guess I will be sitting on the phone quite a bit in the next few days. *sigh* I really hate talking on the phone.

I did finally get a little shopping done for Amy and got everything wrapped last night after skating at Zath and Hyp's for a while.. how fun! (the skating, not so much the wrapping) .. but at least tomorrow morning will be fun for a bit before I have to work.

Yep, our store is open from 7am to 3pm... and in order for my workers to get the day off... I volunteered myself for 11 to 3... oh well I can use the time and a half (plus I get paid a full regular 8 hour day on top of that.. sweet!)

So after 3... I will pick Amy up from her dad's and we will have our Christmas supper.

Hope you all have a wonderful, family filled Christmas day.... and I send you warm wishes to help against that cold weather you all are having. We are predicted to be having an 82f day... ahh yes... Christmas in Florida... nothing like it anywhere else!

Mark this day on the calendar.. lol

2008-12-21T14:11:00.003-05:00

I did the most unusual thing last night. Well, maybe not to another person...but living the life I have lived for the past 25 to 31 years.....

it was most unusual for me.

I went to a Christmas party. With real adults... I was one of the few single people there but I had so much fun. We ate, drank, laughed, exchanged gifts, played a game and listened to music.

It has been so long since I have gone out, even longer since I have gone out and had fun. I really need to make a concentrated effort to developing a life outside of my four walls.

I sure wish in RL I had the wardrobe I have in SL though... my gosh I wish I could afford to go shopping for some new clothes. Thank goodness deesue gets to buy whatever she wants. Spoiled, spoiled girl! lol

My Most Memorable Christmas

2008-12-17T19:03:00.003-05:00

Since I have been having such a hard time with this years holiday celebrations... I thought it may be a time to turn the clock back and remind myself of the good that this season brings out in people.

As far as childhood memories, I don't seem to have any. (a whole 'nother story for other times) But I will never forget my Christmas in 1978.

This was the year that my daughter Amy was born. She was accidently born in Phoenix Arizona. (okay 'nother story 'nother time lol) When she was 6-1/2 months old they finally approved of her transfer to Children's Hospital in Seattle Washington. She flew by jet with a private ICU nurse and her biological father and I drove to meet up with her.

We had no money.. in fact, had it not been for traveler's aid centers along the way and a few blood centers that paid for donating, we never would have made it. When we arrived, we lived in our car for the first month.

Amy was already over 7 months old and had never been able to leave the hospital, as they kept saying she needed to be 5 pounds and she just seemed to be stuck on the 4 pound mark. They finally said they would break the rules and let us bring her home late October/early November, but only if we had a real home to bring her to.

We found a place to live, which was a rental apartment in one of those big old houses. It was a huge room with a front room type area and its own private kitchen. We couldn't afford the deposit, but after hearing our story of trying to get Amy home from the hospital, the landlord felt sorry for us.

We finally got to bring her home! Although, she was very sickly and I spent almost as much time sleeping at the local hospital as I did sleeping in the apartment with her. Her dad just couldn't (or wouldn't) hold a job and one night flipped out in a drunken rage and long story short, I had to call the police and have him arrested. It would be the last time we saw him for over 5 years.

So here I was with a 4 pound sickly but beautiful little angel.. and nothing else. No money, no thoughts for what our future would now hold.

Welfare helped me out and I was able to keep a roof over our heads, but I didn't have enough for food (thankfully Amy was on hospital supplied special formula) or the major expense of putting oil in the furnace, but I kept her snuggled warm in her bassinet under a mound of blankets and I had a warm coat.

As we got closer to Christmas, I was a little sad that I could see everyone else celebrating and getting prepared, but I was so happy to have Amy home that I wasn't thinking past that.

About a week before Christmas someone knocked at my door and when I opened it there stood the receptionist from Amy's doctor's office and behind her a huge group of people, who she introduced as members of her church.

In they walked, carrying a Christmas tree, boxes full of decorations, clothing, blankets, toys, food that lasted me for months and a check for $200.00! I got to have heat for Christmas!

(Yes, that is the tree above.. and bushy haired me holding Amy.) I don't look very happy but I really was.

In that moment.. I learned what the spirit of Christmas is all about. I will never forget that day and those wonderful angels.

To blog or not to blog....

2008-12-15T23:24:00.005-05:00

I find myself struggling to blog again. Why? Am I out of words? omg no!

I am, fighting with this new life I am in now, especially at the holidays. For those that don't know me in RL... I am always upbeat. With nicnames like smiley and giggles... it takes a lot to erase those two things. The reality is without those two things.. I don't feel like me.

This holiday season is a true test though. The first Christmas with a sightless daughter. Normally my house would resemble santa's village at this point... but ... how do you enjoy decorations when the second person in your home can't? I can't put up a tree because she is just learning her way "by feel" around our home.. a tree would be disastrous.. as would garland and extra nicnacs.

So I decorate my SL home... to fill a need. On-line I can change my furniture around, I can have nicnacs, trees, plants.. all the things I have had to erase for the "now" here in RL.

I know this won't be a forever thing. The sightless thing forever yes... but the adjustments will eventually happen and we will start to lead a closer to normal style life again..

but for now... thank goodness for SL ... wish I could share it with Amy. She would love to see all the things I see and do .. *sigh*

deesue introduces herself

2008-12-09T10:47:00.009-05:00

I haven't been using this website for blogging. After being with yahoo360 for a few years and watching their sad demise.... then moving to Multiply and doing that for a while... I just kind of burnt out.

Hmmm, burned out? Or had so many life changes in one year that I needed to walk away from the written form for a bit....

A few months back I discovered SecondLife. It has given me a new focus, a new playground, that fits into the life that I have at the present time.

So in keeping with the changes.. I decided to update this page and add a pic or two for those that know me from SL.

Yes I am a real person, with a real life. A nice middle aged lady with an adult daughter that has cerebral palsy, developmental delays and just recently (one of this years MAJOR changes) lost her eye sight completely. It is part of the reason I love SL. I can play and interact with people while being home each evening after work to be with her. (This next picture was taken the day before Amy's first of three eye surgeries in May 2008 that erased her sight completely.)

I manage a Dairy and a Frozen Food department for a local grocery store... and when I am not sleeping I am playing on-line... SL and Pogo.com get most of my time.

My daughter (Amy) and I spend the month of March going to as many spring training baseball games as we can, since we have quite a few teams that train in the area... and the rest of the time is spent enjoying our tropical paradise here in southern florida.

and in the winter she is a Florida Gator fan... oh who am I kidding... a gator fan is a gator fan year around!

Well, there you have it... me, us...

welcome.

My prayer

2008-06-13T00:10:00.005-04:00

This has been one of the hardest week's of my life. To have to watch my daughter struggle through each day with no vision. To not know if she will ever see even the smallest of shadows. To try to be positive and supportive as she cries. Have I done enough? Have I done the eye drops correctly? The times that I have let her lift her head because I can imagine the pain she is in, having to have her head down day and night... was it wrong? Please God don't make my weakness be the one thing that keeps her from being able to regain some vision somewhere in her future.

All the years wasted.. just staying home. Not seeing, doing, taking every opportunity to experience all that life has to offer... please give me another chance, many chances to show her more of the world.

Thank you for the miracle of medical technology... for giving us even this smallest of windows of hope... please let her see again.

The Girl Who Changed My Life

2008-06-03T22:07:00.002-04:00

Have you ever had someone enter your life in a quiet way and one day you realize, that without intending to they totally changed your life, your outlook, your inner being?

My unknowing savior came into my life when I was in 6th grade. Or at least that was the year I took serious notice of her. I think I had seen her before that year once in a while trying to rush for the bus, but in the 6th grade her joy, her smile, her love of life caught my eye and I found myself in awe.

She didn't even have classes at our school, she was also a few grades behind me, but she was there at the end of most days to catch the bus and ride home with her brothers.

In 6th grade I started to become aware of those around me. Stopped dwelling on my own existence, started noticing that others had it so much worse than I did. Or that had it so much better than I did.. this is the category I put Allison in.

I don't ever think I saw her not smiling. As she made it along the sidewalks through the crowds, it didn't matter how careless others were, getting in her way, stopping her progress, she would always seemingly make room for them, and without any words spoken would always yield that right of way, like she was never rushed. Always enjoying the moment for what it was.

To this day I am not sure what her disability was. But she was sick a lot. She always had to walk with crutches and she had braces on both legs. I am trying to remember the details, I think she actually had wooden legs at a certain point, as her condition worsened. I know she must have been in horrible pain some days, but you would never know it. She loved life! Every moment!

The next year I moved on to middle school then high school and I never saw Allison again. But that one year changed me, changed my life forever.

When I gave birth to my daughter.. and was faced with all the bad news... All the doomsday predictions... All I could see in my mind was Allison. I knew at that moment that that was why Allison was placed in my path and in my heart and I never once doubted that Amy was going to be just fine, no matter what life threw at her, at us. Thanks to Allison I knew that it wasn't being a perfect person that made you have a happy life. Having a happy life was what helps you to be a perfect person!

When Amy and I moved back to Washington state I had the horrible circumstance to open the newspaper and see Allison's name in the obituaries. She lived until age 21. I had never met her parents, but had gone to school with her brothers so I sat and penned a letter to them. To express my sadness, but mostly to thank them for being the kind of parents they were. That didn't hide Allison away. That obviously had loved her so much that she could face every day so full of joy and love. I talked of her impression made on me. I told them about my Amy and that I didn't think that I would have had the courage to face what I was going to have to face over the years to come.. if it hadn't been for their example. After I mailed the letter I wondered if it was the right thing to do.

I got the most beautiful letter in return. Thanking me for my story of how Allison had made a difference. They said she had conquered most of her disabilities, was even working in a sheltered workshop and was so excited to have her own job and her own money. But a simple cosmetic improvement caused an infection that quickly took her life following the surgery. To think she was trying to fix .. what to me had been such a beautiful smile.... it just breaks my heart.

It is part of the reason each time a doctor mentions anything "cosmetic" with Amy I refuse to even consider it. I wondered sometimes, if there was another boy or girl, that went to school with Amy that may have had their life changed.. because Amy has that same smile, that same inner joy.

Here's to you my special angel Allison!

And here's to you all my new friends! May we all have the joy of making a mark in each other's worlds!

The Silence is Deafening

2008-06-03T22:03:00.001-04:00

Silence is golden. A nice saying. Good when relating to a hectic day. Good when your kids are pushing you over the edge. But when is silence toxic? Can there be too much silence? Aren't there times when you need feedback even if it isn't words you want to hear? Can a relationship end because of too much silence?

Did you see me last night
Did you hear me voice
Did you try to console me
Did you give me a choice
..to feel

Do words from my mouth
reach to your ears
Do you think about us
Does it cause you fears
...it does me

Are we living the life
you thought it could be
Are we moving the direction
you want us to be
...not me

When we sit in a room
and no words are spoken
Do you feel discontent
Do you feel slightly broken
...like me

Have we come to a point
where there is no return
Have we reached a space
where there no more to learn
...I grieve

How long can the silence
between us remain
before one of us goes
completely insane
...and leave

And when this happens
will you be caught unaware
crying how could you leave me
dont you know that I care
...I asked

Author anonymous, unheard

A Special Visit With Santa Part 2

2008-06-03T21:55:00.002-04:00

The little girl went home with a full and happy heart. This would be the year, she just knew it! Even though this had been her wish year after year... She had so much faith in Santa.. he would find her mom, he would lead her to her doorstep... and then they would smile and laugh and be happy again just like she remembered they once were.

As the days led up to Christmas Eve, she thought she saw signs that her mom was trying to contact them.. the phone would ring, but no one would tell her who was on the other end, a card would show up in the mailbox from an address she didn't recognize. "That must be the one from my mom! They are just keeping it a surprise for me until I wake up and see her Christmas morning."

She spent tons of time packing and repacking her small suitcase. She wouldn't need much. When her mom came back she would buy her all the things that she really wanted, so she just put in a few changes of clothes and her favorite doll. She hid it under her bed so the housemother wouldn't see it and feel bad that she was so excited to be going away with her mom.

Then Christmas Eve finally came. They ate dinner and Mr. Don talked about not expecting much from Santa under the tree because there just wasn't any extra money for "silly little things that would just get broken in a day or two" but she wasn't hurt by this.. because she knew she was getting the best present of all.

That night, she chose her prettiest flannel nightgown. She wanted to look her best when she came down the stairs and saw mommy sitting by the tree! Then she said her prayers, said a special thank you to Santa, hugged herself goodnight and fell asleep.

She woke up extra early Christmas morning and tried to stay in bed because she didn't want to get in trouble "for waking the whole house up"... but knowing that her mom was going to be downstairs... Oh! She just couldn't stand it anymore!

Finally she heard stirring in the kitchen down below, then voices. Was one of those her mom? It had been so long since she had heard her voice, she had forgotten what she sounded like.

She brushed her hair one last time, smoothed the wrinkles out of her nightgown and slowly crept down the stairs. She could see the glow of the Christmas tree lights as she reached the bottom and she saw the small gifts under the tree, but her eyes skipped right over them, searching the room, looking for that smiling face, she remembered from the pictures she looked at every day.

She quickly scanned the room and found it empty. The kitchen! That's where she must be! So off she skipped, and as she rounded the corner she heard the housemother say, "Well I hope she won't be too disappointed, that child is always expecting way too much. If I heard her say one more time Santa know what I wants, I swear Don I was ready to swat her. She has been flittering around this house for days."

The little girl came to a stop. That didn't make it sound like her mom was in the kitchen. But she knew that if she believed hard enough Santa would make her wish come true, so she decided to go back upstairs to get dressed so she would be ready to leave when her mom arrived.

When she came back down Mr. Don handed her a gift to open. It was a coloring book and some crayons. She gave him a big hug then whispered "I will miss you most" then went to say thank you to the housemother.

All day long she sat in the living room watching out the front window, waiting for her mom to come up the walkway. She colored some beautiful pictures for her in her new book. She only left the living room when the housemother made her have some breakfast, then lunch, then supper... but right after she would run back into the living room waiting, watching... saying over and over in her head "I do believe, I do believe."

Then it was bedtime and Mr. Don made her leave the window seat and put on her nightgown and go to bed. Another Christmas Day had come to an end.

She tried squeezing her eyelids together very tight, so she wouldn't cry, but the tears streamed past and down her cheeks. She said her prayers and said a special thank you to Santa for trying his best. "I still believe in you Santa and I know that you will bring my mommy back to me one day... I just know you will."

Then, just as little girls are able to do, she fell asleep and dreamed of the life she would have when her mom came back and they were able to live happily ever after.

For without hope, faith, dreams, and visions of a better life ahead, the little girl could not exist.

A Special Visit With Santa - Part 1

2008-06-03T21:51:00.003-04:00

She stood in line, with hundreds of other children. It seemed the line would never move forward.

As she looked around she saw mom's tugging at the clothes of the children at their feet. "Stand still, you are messing up your hair." she heard from one mom. "Why can't you be quiet for just a few minutes" said another mom to an energetic little boy. But even as she saw the mom's nagging and correcting their children the little girl smiled.

A child just a few people in front of her turned and stared back. The little girl looked down, afraid to keep eye contact. "Mommy, why is she dressed like that? Why isn't she in a Christmas outfit like us?" she heard him ask. The mom quickly shooshed him and pulled him closer in front of her in line.

She looked down at her clothes. She had dressed in her best and she was sure they had been clean enough when she put them on. A part of her wished she had a nice dress, but she had picked her best multi colored shirt and she had the hair ribbon that Mrs. Jilly had made for her just before she went away to live in "the home".

She blinked back the tears that always seemed to be right at the edges of her eyes whenever she thought of Mrs. Jilly. How she used to light up whenever she entered the room, and always took the time to ask about her day and show her the new things she was knitting and sewing.

She shook her head to clear her thoughts. This was not the day for tears. It took weeks of begging to get Mr. Don to bring her with him when he came to do his part-time job at the mall. Today was her special day to meet Santa Claus. She just knew if he knew what she really wanted for Christmas that he would make sure this year was different.

The line started inching forward. She was finally near enough to see Santa sitting on his red throne. He smiled as each child sat on his lap and listened as they rattled off the list of toys that they wanted to find under the tree.

Oh he looked so jolly! Her eyes danced with excitement and she jumped from one foot to the other in eager anticipation, then it was her turn. A lady in a snowy white costume held her hand and walked her up the candy cane lane, and then she was standing right in front of Santa Claus!

"Well, come up here little one. Wouldn't you like to sit on Santa's lap and tell me what you want for Christmas?" She tried to speak but couldn't find any words in her head, so she nodded yes.

As Santa helped lift her onto his lap she noticed how soft his coat was. And how white and soft his beard was. She longed to touch it.. and tentatively reached out. She expected to have him pull away but he leaned in and whispered "Go ahead tug on it, it's real."

Oh, She couldn't do that! But she did brush the sides of his whiskers with the palm of her hand. Santa smelled like peppermint. She snuggled closer into his arm and tried not to notice all of the impatient looks from those waiting in line. This was her time!

"What would you like for Christmas little lass? What can Santa bring to put a smile on your face?" Santa asked as he drew her even closer, as if sensing that she needed the extra touch.
"I want you to bring my mommy back to get me. She went away for just a little while, but it has been so very long now. I like the people at the home I was taken to, but Santa... can you please tell my mommy I am ready for her to come back?" With that she withdrew a piece of paper with a hand drawn map and a sketch of a face. She handed this to Santa. "Here is a picture I drew of my mommy and here is how to get to the home."

She started to hop down from his lap, but turned around and gave him one last hug and whispered "I know you can find my mommy, I believe in you."

The lady in the snowy white outfit gave her a candy cane and the little girl walked away to find Mr. Don to tell him she would soon be going home.

Welcome

2008-05-31T22:46:00.004-04:00

A saw the sunrise today
beautiful beams of yellow
flooding over the horizon
of dark blues and grey
changing to oranges and reds
staining the sky with hues
setting up the day.
Then the blue skies appeared
with small white clouds
welcoming the birds to start
their song.
And I knew that life
was good
happiness was there
all along
just waiting for my arrival
with open arms.